In Which Faceman Discusses Beauty and the Beast…in Three Parts

Discussion in 'The Red Room' started by The Original Faceman, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Disney is soon to release a live action version of Beauty and the Beast, the horrible 1991 animated "classic" that just demands to be turned into a live action crapfestical. But a careful analysis of the 1991 film, based on several repeat viewings thanks in no small part to a three year old girl who now refers to herself as "Queen Belle," leads me to believe that this classic isn't so classic as you all may remember. All you have to do a apply a bit of critical analysis (you know, the part of the PRAXIS test that Dayton failed spectacularly - though I'm sure he can recite the basic plot to Beauty and the Beast given enough crayons…) and the movie falls apart at the seams.

    Part I - The Movie You Watch isn't the Movie You're Promised

    The movie's prologue sets up a movie that the viewer never gets to see. The prologue sets up a bloody revenge tale against an evil witch who has done unconscionable things to a minor, chiefly, and to countless household staff who, as discussed in Part II, infra, seem to care little about it. It has all the parts of a classic movie - overcoming adversity, finding your true self, burning or drowning a witch depending on local custom.

    Instead, the movie that follows the prologue makes no sense at all (again see Parts II and III infra).

    Let's recap the prologue. An old hag goes to a castle in the middle of the night, during a storm. A prince answers the door and is asked by the old hag if she can spend the night in his house. He says no. So far, perfectly reasonable behavior on his parts. So, because she is snubbed, she turns the prince into a ghastly beast and provides him with a rose that will wilt on his 21st birthday. If he doesn't find true love by then, he will stay a beast forever.

    That's fucked up.

    It's especially more fucked up when you consider that the prince was ten years old. That's right, a ten year old boy wouldn't let a stranger into his house in the middle of the night. Isn't that what parents teach their children? Wouldn't the parents of the kids in 1991 who saw this film have turned to their child and said, "See, that's exactly what you're supposed to do. Never talk to strangers and never let them in the house."

    "But mommy, I don't want the stranger to turn me into a beast!"

    Deal with that parents! That's inescapable child logic reinforced by this Disney fiasco.

    (Also, where are the ten year old prince's parents? It's a Disney movie so odds are they were both killed off years earlier, but still. And how did the locals forget there was a castle with French royalty living nearby?)

    But how do we know he's ten years old? The main movie takes place in the days or weeks leading up to his 21st birthday - so he's 20 . In the popular song Be Our Guest (perfected by the Simpsons song "See My Vest" in the episode "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds," season 6 episode 20), the singing utensils reveal that they have been transformed into common household objects for ten years:

    Ah, those good old days when we were useful
    Suddenly those good old days are gone
    Ten years we've been rusting
    Needing so much more than dusting

    In the prologue, the witch does a horrible unthinkable thing to Disney's target demographic. In response, the audience is subjected to a sappy love tale involving an American accented French girl who reads too many books and who ultimately falls for the wrong guy (see Part III, infra). The prologue sets up a movie in which the Beast hunts down the witch, kills her, and also breaks the curse before the ticking time bomb of the enchanted rose runs out.

    Part II - A Disproportional Response and an Apathetic Response

    To exemplify how evil the witch was, and to further justify the Beast hunting her down and killing her, in the movie we never get to see, look no further than the castle staff - the same castle staff that reveal that they've been cups, cupboards, clocks, and other shit, for the last ten years. (Quick question, what happened to the actual household objects? Did the castle just find room for more cups, forks, wardrobes, and clocks? Did the witch unjustly dispossess the Prince of actual owned items? That bitch.)

    However, the oddest thing about this transformation is the absolute apathy it's met with by the same household staff. The prince refused entry to the evil queen, rightly so, but the household staff likely had nothing to do with that. Yet they too suffer. They are all transformed into living chattel who make the castle not only haunted looking, but fucking creepy. A clock? A candle? A feather duster? That could be one weird threesome.

    And then there's Mrs. Potts (voiced by Angela Lansbury in what sounds like her mid to late 90s). She's portrayed as an old woman servant (and in the end, appears as an old woman once the curse is lifted). Yet she has wee little boy cup child. That's right. She procreated and popped out a cup. And that's all perfectly normal.

    Keep in mind that these household chattel…I mean servants…will also remain permanently transformed if the prince does not have some poor sap fall in love with him by his 21st birthday. Yet their collective motivation to a) break the curse and b) kill the fucking witch, are nowhere to be seen in this movie. Instead they seem mostly concerned with their lack of opportunities to be servants over the past ten years. No guests to wait upon and they feel worthless. What an uplifting message to send to the lower classes. They seem completely unconcerned about their pending eternity as 18th century antiquities. I mean, what do you think will happen to all that crap once they invent electricity? A clock? A candle? A feather duster? Useless.

    Part III - The Vilification of Gaston

    The movie's putative villain is Gaston, the hottest and strongest man in town, lusted over by all that young hot French pussy. He loves only Belle, the alleged "beauty" in this disaster of a movie. The movie attempts to cast Gaston in the role of the villain simply because he loves Belle too much. Yes he's a bit overconfident. Yes he's rejected much better looking and sluttier girls, bringing his judgment into much deserved question. But come on. His actions throughout the film are otherwise completely justified.

    His proposal to marriage is met with Belle dumping him in a lake. But does he give up? No. He doesn't know the meaning of the word. Instead, he behaves gallantly when he offers to spring Belle's crazy father (and he really is fucking crazy - just look at his "inventions." What the literal fuck is that?) from the insane asylum. (My thoughts on Belle's father could make a solid part four but for brevity's sake any reasonable person would commit a lunatic "inventor" who claims he was held captive by a beast.)

    Then, in the denouement of the film, Gaston, incensed that a beast had actually imprison Belle, the love of his life, and her father, rallies an army and goes to take that motherfucker down. Again, this situation was completely avoidable had Disney just made the right movie - where the beast sets off a quest of revenge against the witch who transformed him while also seeking to lift the curse. Instead, Gaston is shoehorned into the role of the villain and the beast is somehow supposed to be a protagonist while acting like a total asshole.

    As Gaston appropriately goes to avenge Belle's imprisonment and rid this poor provincial town of a monster, he is killed, and the audience is led to believe this was the right outcome for poor Gaston. And they are also led to believe that the Beast was right to kill him because, as we soon find out, Belle is in love with him. That's perfectly reasonable justification for murder. Just ask any criminal defense attorney.

    Gaston is not the villain of the movie. The beast is. Gaston is the fall guy for Disney's inability to write a compelling film. And let's be frank here. Belle could have behaved a bit more maturely. Instead she falls for the bigger asshole. The asshole who killed Gaston.
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  2. steve2^4

    steve2^4 Aged Meat

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    So, um, what's happening with Carson Tower? Can you work him in here? I can see some sort of interdimensional rift where he shows up on the ballroom floor as a talking hobby-horse.
  3. Lt. Mewa

    Lt. Mewa Rockefeller Center

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    Were you ragging on the movie while watching with the kid?? :jayzus:

    If you were watching this with your own child, you would not have penned this. BTW, don't watch Alladin...you'll end up writing another diatribe. :garamet:
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  4. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Who's child do you think I watched this with over and over? The one I keep in my trunk? You think I let trunk child watch TV?

    Jeez...
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  5. Lt. Mewa

    Lt. Mewa Rockefeller Center

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    Beauty and The Beast was written in 1740. Many such stories were written in the 17th, 18th and 19th century that were turned into friendlier stories in the 20th century. Most people are aware that the originals were much more harsh.(ie: Grimm Fairy Tales). Most just gloss over the so-called murders. Nobody dug in and tore apart the stories because someone was mean or stupid. They have done what they could to keep these stories going.
  6. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Oh the story is old! Well we'll give it a pass. No one ever engages in critical analysis of prose written in the 18th century.
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  7. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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  8. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne Gay™ Formerly Important

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    I never got into Aladdin, for some reason, myself :shrug: Not even the Genie saves that one for me.

    Face is right about how fucked up it is that the witch not only punishes a ten year old for having common sense but the whole rest of the castle because of the misfortune of working for the guy.

    The line in that song could've been changed to five years or even 12 months so that the Prince's assholishness that he's being punished for will make sense. Or even showing what a jerk he was to people before he became a beast.
  9. Lt. Mewa

    Lt. Mewa Rockefeller Center

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    From you: "....thanks in no small part to a three year old girl who now refers to herself as "Queen Belle,"

    So it could be any kid. A niece, a friends kid, cousin....so chill, homes.

    You should have just watched and enjoyed it with her instead of this in depth analysis that most are aware of and just shuck it off cuz its a kids thing. I've seen them all too....hundreds of times. I've thought some of those same thoughts. Even denied access to a few. I hated Jumanji for a minute cuz I hated the fact that the guy was trapped in that world for 20 yrs. Oh the horror!! Kids don't even think about that. Too deep.
  10. Ten Lubak

    Ten Lubak Salty Dog

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    Spoiler alert, fuck!
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  11. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne Gay™ Formerly Important

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    I'd say the success of the Pixar model of storytelling suggests that kids aren't completely stupid and realize when they're being talked down to.

    :shrug:
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  12. Lt. Mewa

    Lt. Mewa Rockefeller Center

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    I guess we need to dump all those old stories cuz the parents don't approve. Modern kids need modern stories, But the biggest reason these stories will continue is because nobody has to pay any rights to use them. Most are public domain.
  13. Lt. Mewa

    Lt. Mewa Rockefeller Center

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    And in the future after those stories become the classics...a relative a Faceman will tear it apart. :shrug:
  14. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne Gay™ Formerly Important

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    Whaddyagunnado?

    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Hey, it's a RR thread that's not about Dayton or Trump, so I'm happy. :diacanu:
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  15. Jenee

    Jenee Driver 8

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    The actual story goes into more detail about the beast's assholishness, not just to the witch, but to the people of the town (I don't think he was a child though, think he was in his early 20s and had to find love prior to his 30 birthday - which is much more in line with history and when most men of that class were married) and his ensuing rehabilitation.

    But, even in this cartoon, Gaston is a HUGE asshole and I'd have done far worse than dunking him in water.
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  16. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Gaston comes off strong. But he loves her. Loves her. And for his he deserves death? Because he does the right thing and hunts a beast down? No.
  17. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne Gay™ Formerly Important

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    Honestly, as a kid I thought of him as being more in love with himself than Belle or any of the girls throwing themselves at him.

    Belle appeals to him only because she's the only girl that doesn't give him the time of day.
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  18. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    No. She's mine. I would never watch extended family.

    Gosh I wish @El Chup was still around right now.
  19. Stallion

    Stallion Team Euro!

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    My little girl hasn't got to Beauty and the Beast yet. In the last couple of months i have become a bit of an expert on the good dinosaur and now Zootropolis!

    Even as an animated animal character, Shakira is still...... :yeehaw:
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  20. Order2Chaos

    Order2Chaos Ultimate... Immortal Administrator

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    Minor nitpick: the prince is not 10 years old. The prince is 20 and his aging is slowed down by the spell (which also explains Mrs. Potts and Chip (although even still, he's more likely a grandson than son)). This is evident both in the stained glass prologue and in the portrait he slashes at the beginning of the film. That's not a portrait of a 10 year old.
  21. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    My kids won't watch good dinosaur much. Zootopia and frozen they will.
  22. Stallion

    Stallion Team Euro!

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    Zootropolis is the current favourite, or the Rabbit and the fox as she calls it.

    The little eyes lit up in both joy and amazement when i boomed Shakiras 'try everything' zootropolis song through the sonos.
  23. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Wait what?! That's absurd. He's been like that for ten years and you're telling me he just hasn't officially turned 21 and has been 20 the whole time?

    Assuming that he isn't aging normally for a decade his birthday doesn't change. He's still turn 21 based on the calendar. I mean what's the point? Turn him into a beast and say he's got ten years to get his shit together. Why slow down his aging?

    What do you think we're discussing here? Some hokey fantasy movie? No. This is Disney.
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  24. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    Yeah they love it when I play the shitty music in the car. Apple Music has all the soundtracks. It's horrible. I got the little one saying "fwozen on" over and over and the older one says "daddy, baby says he would like to listen to frozen." Thanks. Now she's his translator.
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  25. Lanzman

    Lanzman Vast, Cool and Unsympathetic Formerly Important

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    :ramen:

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  26. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne Gay™ Formerly Important

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    You're both right. There's that scene where Belle snoops in his room and there's the portrait pic the Beast had ripped showing a dude who was grown up.

    Goddamn, Wordforge truly has fallen if we're debating on fucking Disney films. Our departed dead are rolling in their graves. :jayzus:
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  27. The Original Faceman

    The Original Faceman Lasagna Artist

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    I don't know who that dude was. Probably his dad who got turned into a toilet or 18th century equivalent.
  28. steve2^4

    steve2^4 Aged Meat

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    Talking chamber pot? That's a scene I'd like to see.
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  29. Bickendan

    Bickendan Custom Title Administrator Faceless Mook Writer

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    I love Disney's take on the actual fairy tale, but damn if your analysis isn't spot on, @Faceman :techman:
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  30. matthunter

    matthunter Ice Bear

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    This was much better when Cracked did it. :bailey:
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