Warriors! Every Gang From “The Warriors” Ranked by Our Conservative Uncle’s Fear of the City Our Uncle Hewlit was never the brightest bulb in the box. He’s the sort of guy who is highly susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon, thinks Barack Obama is a Satanist, and believes New York City, a place he has never been to and will proudly never go to, is the most dangerous place on Earth. Every Thanksgiving he was honestly surprised to see us alive and constantly asked when we planned on moving back home. Over-sensationalizing the violence in major cities is nothing out of the ordinary for conservatives of a certain age and disposition, and for a long time we ignored his remarks, but after a while, we started to notice certain things that made us curious. Between the trademark thinly veiled racist tirades of the average Trump-voting boomer, there were complaints of dangerous mimes in top hats, rollerskate punks, and baseball furies. He was saying “Can you dig it?” a lot. We sat down with him face to face, asked a few questions, and sure enough, this mother fucker thinks the 1979 film “The Warriors” was a documentary of events that actually happen every day in New York. We don’t know if this is early onset dementia, rampant alcoholism, or just stupidity—it’s hard to tell with uncles. Nevertheless, here’s every street gang from “The Warriors” ranked by how dangerous our uncle thinks they make NYC. We tried making small talk by asking Uncle Hewlit about his boat. His reply: “When you’re out there in that hell hole and you run afoul of those Tremont Orphans, just make yourself big and scare ’em off. They’re hungry, but those motherfuckers are green.” So, not only was his nonsequitur response advice on how to handle a fictitious ’70s street gang, but he also seems to have confused them with bears? This man is not well. An old man complaining about city punks is nothing out of the ordinary. Still, we asked a few follow-up questions, and sure enough, Uncle Hewlit was referring to The Punks street gang from the film “The Warriors” specifically. They do control The Bowery, but the similarities sort of end there. According to him, this nefarious gang’s only weakness is the fact that they wear impractical roller skates all the time and can easily be pushed over, but that’s a pretty big weakness in a street situation so his fear of them is minimal. Cool logo and jackets notwithstanding, Uncle Hewlit isn’t shook by The Moonrunners. According to him, they aren’t even the most dangerous group to watch out for in the Pelham trainyard area. He went on to describe a nameless, far better-organized group of international thieves known for hijacking trains. We suspected he was confusing reality with the movie “The Taking of Pelham123” So we showed him a picture of Robert Shaw and sure enough, he said, “That’s the guy!” Uncle Hewlit has more respect and admiration than fear for The Hurricanes of Spanish Harlem on the grounds that “At least they’re family,” and they rock some “sharp” fedoras, a look he’s tried to pull off countless times to no success.
What did I miss? I’ve been seeing a lot of references to The Warriors lately. Same with a bear. I feel like I missed something important.
honestly, I'm not that sure myself about all the recent love for The Warriors either. but while I'm at it...
I was thinking the other day that The Warriors would make for a pretty good video game, and then this article goes and tells me there’s already been one
