While I couldn't find my actual meltdown, I found one of my Misc threads... It is painful to read. Seems like most people were trying to be helpful, but didn't know what to make of what I was saying. Which, yeah. At the time, I had a lot of trouble separating persistent shit-talk into what I should take into consideration and what I should dismiss, and the way I dealt with it was to lean into it and try to provoke people into being stupid and angry enough that I could shove them into the "dismiss" pile, or wear them out enough that they'd calm down and we could have an actual discussion. It usually didn't work very well. Anyway, if my shitty coping mechanisms have ever affected anyone here negatively, you have my sincerest apologies. Hasn't it always been that way? Mine must have gotten reset during one of the board upgrades or something. Sorry, shit like that just bothers me. Also I was trying to distract from any impending Israel/Palestine arguments.
I have opted back into TNZ, and pulled up my posting history. Oh @God Almighty that was a mistake. My meltdown makes FFs meltdowns downright boring. https://www.trekbbs.com/search/7803784/?c[users]=Kommander&o=date That was shortly after I turned 30. 25-30 was a bad time for me. I was starting to realize how abusive my family was than that I probably wasn't the biggest piece of shit on the planet like they made me out to be, and I leaned a little too very extremely hard into "I'm actually the best person ever and anyone who says otherwise is a threat!" That's why that meltdown hit me so hard. People were giving me shit at TrekBBS like never before, and the harder I tried to convince them to stop I just made it worse. Luckily, it prompted me to sit and have a good think, and I stopped being a raging narcissist by the time I turned 32, and I've been a regular, run-of-the-mill narcissist ever since.
For me it was more the "came over to WF to keep pushing the issue" aspect of it because I was no longer at TBBS. It pissed off several mods from TBBS, one whom resigned because of it, and because Bonz was just being an insufferable TERF in the process. The very thing that would get her banned at TrekBBS she was doing here because she knew she could. Yeah, I absolutely 100% offended her directly. That, @Rincewiend, was a bridge she burned herself and gleefully so.
After reviewing the evidence, I remembered this wrong. My last "dating is frustrating" thread was seven months before my meltdown. My meltdown happened because a bunch of people would flip the fuck out any time I posted in a thread about non-monogamy, dating, relationships, or sexuality, over a period of months. How dare I post in threads on topics that interest me? I was figuring out things I had struggled with, and was really feeling confident for the first time in my life, and it seemed like it was doing nothing but pissing people off. Seems like a perfectly good reason to have a meltdown. Anyway, fuck TrekBBS. I hate how my memory functions sometimes. Barely think about the incident for over a decade, then I go back and read the posts, and then I remember everything I was thinking and feeling at the time as vividly as if it happened yesterday, and now I'm angry. Not, like, a lot, but it's there. Yep, fuck TrekBBS.
I feel like it's a form of rejection, and rejection is painful. As a particularly sensitive individual I understand what you're saying completely. Fuck the Internet in general. It would be great if other people weren't on it...except for hot sluts in my area who want to talk now, obviously.
As far as annoying shit my brain does, my memory being extremely robust yet very selective is pretty low on the list. As for my meltdown, it didn't only feel like rejection; it felt like betrayal. Several people there encouraged my posting style over several years, and then suddenly everyone found it annoying. I think the same thing happened to lots of people over the years. @ShamelessMcBundy was a good example. After he came out as gay and became an aggressive flirt who hit on literally everyone who was even remotely male, people encouraged the hell out of it. Then one day, everyone was suddenly "you took it to far and we're no longer into it." I'd be surprised if he didn't feel betrayed. It seemed like @Squiggy disappeared several times when people suddenly weren't into what he was doing, although he always came back eventually. What bothered me the most was the people telling me I needed to pick a lane. As near as I can tell, my ability to go into one thread and be funny and then go into another and be thoughtful and insightful was what people there liked most about me, then it seemed like everyone suddenly had a problem with it. Although, looking at the posts now, it wasn't that people suddenly had a problem with me rapidly switching lanes. The problem was I was trying to enter some kind of quantum state where I occupied all lanes equally at all times, and it was confusing and a bit much. Rapidly switching lanes is fine as long as I use my turn signal.
TNZ has always been fickle like that. People would love it when you post and then suddenly the political and social wind would shift and what you were doing was annoying and inappropriate, even if the same people were enjoying it the week before. That can be confusing and frustrating. For what it's worth, I've always loved your posts. You're my favorite kind of sweet, goofy, and chaotic, but even if you weren't, that doesn't invalidate who you are and how you should always be you. I remember when I came out as transgender and several people had the immediate reaction of "no you aren't."
Some people probably thought it was a case of bandwagon jumping, because you where one of a string of people coming out as trans... On you r other point; FlyingLemons (remember him?) returned about 6 months ago... People always liked and respected him, but now he is in Israel parroting the "Jews where prosecuted" card whenever some-one is critical of the IDF or the government.. So he lost a lot of that respect...
Quite a few of us came out around that time, it's true. I think in my case I felt safe enough to come out, having had thoughts about it for quite some time.
I was banned a long time ago and no reason ever offered to me. I've checked the place a couple of times since and never felt the need to go back. I like the more uncensored discussion here. Also having had T'Bonz visit us, fuck her and the horse she rode in on.
Probably Locutus. That dude was exhibit A of why so many people stopped posting there. Guy would harass people he didn't like then pull his mod powers when people fought back. He gave me a warning for clapping back at a leftwing looney pal of his. I messaged him back that if he is going to allow his minions to be nasty, don't get upset when someone gets nasty back. Just because your a mod doesn't mean you can pick fights freely with no response back. If you want your forum to be you and your friends little safe space, just say so.
I check back in from time to time. Its not too bad. You have a few posters who still try and turn every movie or TV topic into a political discussion, but at least the gestapo is no longer running rough shod over the place.
I go in once in a while and respond to posts that interests me. I guess if I ever try to log in and can't I'll know that I went too far and got banned or the board folded while I wasn't looking.
I'm considering it. I wouldn't name it Starscape again, but I kind of just want a Star Trek message board of my own, and if I can't have a discussion on the biggest Star Trek board on the internet any more, I'll just make my own and post about Star Trek, or Resident Alien, or fun stuff like that any time I want and without anyone telling me I can't post it. Also, you can keep those pants off.
