wife is leaving me.....need "across the board" advice

not a joke or a link to a joke here folks Okay one joke - I need "across the border advice" too. So why green room with such a "hot button" subject? Because maybe I'm in shock, but still need to focus on the non-emotional tangible questions. The legal and logistical issues are complicated because she's running off to Canada! So thank goodness I have Canadians who can answer my Canada-focused questions. So here are my concerns (some general, some specific to Canada)

1) she has a passport application. In a few weeks it will be processed and she can get into Canada, but does marrying a Canadian citizen ensure she won't get deported?

2) health care is free (she has many medications) but wouldn't she have to be there a while for free health care to kick in? Once our divorce is final, TRICARE is shut off for her because she won't be my military dependent anymore.

3) how does she get all her stuff to Canada? Can you take a U-HAUL truck to Canada? Of course her new guy can come down here and take her shit back there and pay for all that - I'm sure not!

4) she's leaving me (I'm not booting her out) so I won't pay alimony, but she will get 1/2 of my military pension but does she get 1/2 of my disability pay too? I don't want to end up with a huge bill in a few years for not paying what I legally must pay.

anyway I'm sure I will have more questions once my mental fog from lack of sleep lifts & the sudden shock of this whole thing wears off. I'm off to the gym to hopefully clear my head and relax/energize my brain.

Gosh, oldfella, please accept my very sincere sympathy. Life can be really shitty, can't it?

I'm a "lapsed" Canadian sort of. So I might not be completely up to speed, but here's what I know.

This doesn't sound quite right. If you're accepted for immigration into Canada, you get "landed immigrant" status. Which means you can find a job and whatnot. But you can still be deported if convicted of a major criminal act.

Once you've been a landed immigrant for a certain time, then you can apply for Canadian citizenship. I'm sure you can't apply from outside if you have no very close family connection.

It's probably the case that if you marry a Canadian, you automatically get landed-immigrant status. But they certainly don't just hand you a Canadian passport.

If she's a landed immigrant, I'm sure she'll have no problem. Of course, she'll have to clear customs with all her stuff.

Seems to me that all this is a question of American law, not Canadian. She's marrying somebody else? Then it's hard to imagine her being entitled to support payments from you. But perhaps someone with a knowledge of US divorce law could give a better answer.

As for your military pension, are you sure she's entitled to half if she is no longer a dependent? That seems unfair if she has married somebody else and there are no offspring to support.

If she's a legal resident of Canada, she's entitled to the same health care as everybody else. (She also has to pay income tax ....)

Right. Don't take any important decisions while in the grip of emotion. Always count to a million first.

Anyway, bon courage, as the French say. These things are sent to try us and all that.

Sorry to hear this.

Since she's the one who's doing the leaving, I'd let her figure all that stuff out on her own

She's slightly learning-disabled especially in certain areas. By gosh you might be right NoNo - I think she only gets 1/2 my pension unless she remarries. Maybe they will live together, in which case she would be there illegally once her passport expires. Well anyway my "competition" mailed her a passport application form. That is weird, I guess it might be a Canadian passport form. She can get a US form right down the street at the post office.You know it does make sense for this guy to do all the "leg work". He wants her, he assumes all risks and responsibilities. Or my wife can do the "leg work". I will research only how legally I am affected - I have a free lawyer and the legal office is literally a 30 second walk from where I work.

So yeah these things happen and I'm not going to be a dick about it (part of my philosophy is not being a dick) but I'm not going to be a chump either. And NOTHING will affect my optimism or stress me out because EVERYTHING happens for a reason and if you let things play out as they need to play out we see the "upside" to 99 percent of everything.

Yeah this all just hit me suddenly since our marriage was really going well (or so I thought!) Hey, her loss I guess - time will tell.

Sorry to hear that! But why do you worry about those things? Throw out her stuff and let them figure out what to do. You don't have any obligation to support her leaving you!

Which, btw, is not a dick move.

I'm not going to put her mental or physical health in danger - that would be a dick move in my book. Also she would be a burden on the rest of the family - double dick move just to prove a point. I'll take the "high road" so I'm not made out to be the villain in the long run.

Not getting it. Sorry but she was clever enough to find a guy and further the relationshit to the point of marriage without you noticing. I mean, she's obviously an adult and can take care of stuff. I say let her

How can she be a burden when she's going away? She's gone. No more obligations. No reason for you to support her in hurting you.

Really sorry to hear about this. I'm glad you have free legal advice available. I think it's admirable to take the high road...too many splits bring out the worst in both parties. Just remember that even if you and her are both reasonable folks who aren't out to hurt each other, you have no idea what her new man's intentions are. There is definitely a way to protect yourself without being an asshole. Talk to your lawyer asap.

The guy lives in Canada. It's not like he can just swing by in a U-Haul and wisk her away to another city an hour down the road. And until we are officially divorced she is indeed my responsibility - that's how the law works here in Georgia & especially federal law (who pay my wages pretty much). Messing up my security clearance from any type of charges filed (made up or real) and I am in a world of hurt. The law has to take the wife's side of the story until I can prove otherwise - I work with a guy who is still making lawyer payments (and had to eat a month of vacation in jail) from a false accusation.

I'm really concerned for my wife more than anything. This guy is pretty much a stranger she's never met in person! She did something similar (but on a much smaller scale) many years ago - I thought those days were long, long past. Maybe it's a "mid life/menopause" thing, I don't know. Things are tense and unpleasant in my house obviously. She made the mistake of telling her mother about this..... who will certainly do a "Donald Trump" and get on social media and the news will spread like wildfire and I'l have to tel everyone to shut the fuck up.

no, she hasn't been sending him money. But indeed tomorrow I am opening a new bank account under my name only and then transferring my direct deposits (work and government) into the new account.

Very sorry you have to go through this.

Not being a dick: kudos.

But she's never met the guy? I don't know how great her mental deficiencies are, but that doesn't sound right.

Is she actually legally entitled to any of your assets if she's been basically cheating on you the whole time, @oldfella1962 ? That's sounds weird to me.

My job is in pension administration. Government pensions don't always follow the same rules as private pensions, but this is how it would work out under a private pension plan. If you are legally married, your default pension benefit will be a 50% spousal survivor benefit. To choose anything else(like a single life annuity), your spouse would have to sign off on that. This means that you'd get your full benefit reduced by a factor for having a survivor benefit, then after you die, she'd get 50% of whatever you were collecting for the rest of her life.

In order for her to collect while you're alive, you'd have to get a Qualified Domestic Relations Order(QDRO) as part of your divorce that divides up your pension. Without a QDRO the pension administrator wouldn't pay an ex spouse.

no she hasn't been cheating on me - she's just "in love" with one of her pen pals and maybe they communicate on-line and also on the phone. Basically she's "bored" after many years of being married to me. . I tried reasoning with her, talking sense to her, etc. but that's not helping at all. Quite a crazy turn of events I must say, totally out of the blue, right before both of our birthdays too. Even if this does fall through for her, she brought it on her herself. I forgave her similar (though less crazy) behavior many years ago because he had young kids. The kids are grown now - she leaves she's on her own because she had her chance once and if she doesn't want to change her ways, tough shit, it's over for us.

I'll be fine, she might be fucked like chuck stuck in another country with no money and no support in either country. I think she's flipped out, but she says she can't help herself for feeling this way.

Damn dude. Sorry to hear that. Bitches be crazy sometimes.

Thats why I have no interest in ever getting married. I can't handle all that drama.

Single life is awesome, especially if you have lots of money. Enjoy it!

I'm not talking about survivor's pensions. I get a military retirement pay every month - I think if we get divorced she gets 1/2 of that monthly amount until she gets remarried. But I'll call tomorrow and find out all the legal things.

weird that there are 3 of us on a board this small who work in pension administration.

Does your wife work?

no she does not. And being learning disabled she could never compete with younger, smarter, faster people. Not a big deal since I make enough money. This other guy? Who knows. Hey I'm just playing it by ear at this point - I'm done trying to figure her out. Whatever happens I'll make the best of it.

Funny around new years I was saying how 2016 was the best year for me in a long, long time. Wow, fate didn't wait too long to throw that right back in my face!

This is America. Divorce is very dangerous for men since courts are so quick to back the woman in most scenarios.

Oldfella pisses her off and next thing you know she's making all sorts of wild claims that fucks him up for the rest of his life.

Oldfella go find a competent lawyer and stop talking to us about it until it's all over.

Do a Tony Soprano, go see the best divorce lawyers in your area for a consultation. They can't take her on if wants a lawyer. Conflict of interest.

I can't afford the best lawyers - still the free military ones are pretty good with routine non-criminal stuff. I'm talking to WF because I figured some of you may have been through similar things. But yeah, no drinking beer (not even a drop) because if she makes any false claims and the cops show up, that is an "alcohol related incident" if there is any amount in my blood.

She's leaving you and without identifiable cause on your part?

Talk to a lawyer. You shouldn't be paying anything.

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/georgia/ga_property#

oh she won't get anything - we have no savings, the house is in my name, the almost paid-for car is in my name too. But my federal retirement pension is not a state thing - so she gets 1/2 my military retirement amount (if that's the rule). I'll check it out tomorrow during the business week. It's going to be a very interesting time ahead for me!