I don't get it

Discussion in 'The Green Room' started by Tererun, Jun 28, 2020.

  1. Tererun

    Tererun Troll princess and Magical Girl

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    I have one grandmother left. She has lost her husband of a lifetime. So she is always going to be suffering through that. She is in good health and can walk without a shuffle. She is a little forgetful, but it is not full blown dementia. I also think part of the problem is her lifestyle that I am about to complain about. In her lifetime her and her husband made great investments in the NY real estate area and in stocks and development bonds. My grandfather worked for the electric company and she was a teacher all her life in a good school district. So she has retirement money you would not believe. She only got 300 dollars in stimulus because of her income.

    I do not understand how to help her be happy. I get that I cannot fix the giant hole of her husband dying. Is that so tragic that you simply cannot do anything anymore? I don't know. I could take her anywhere she wants to go. No, that is not something she wants to do. She is in the middle of a very active and engaging older community with tons of different people around. She hates all of them. Covid shut down the one thing she did which was penny slots at the arcades. even that was boring her.

    I hjave told her I would go along with her on a trip and be there to talk to and do things. She could hire a nurse if she does not want me. I think the inactivity is causing her mental trouble because there is no difference in the days. She is not interested in the great grandkids.

    Everything is there and she is still depressed and unwilling to do anything. Should I just watch her slowly and painfully succumb to the end of life? I get life is p[ainful when you cannot have something you really need. I am transgendered after all and that is the way it always is watching other people have what you need, but you cannot touch it. But that is not the end of happiness and life appreciation. She has the means to do anything, and maybe I can help her find a path, but it seems like such a lost cause because she won't come out.

    It is someone in my sphere of influence, so I have an ability to do something. I also have time because nothing happens until after covid is suppressed.
  2. oldfella1962

    oldfella1962 high speed, low drag

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    great you are concerned and are trying to help her, but there's only so much you can do without an actual defined problem to fix. Even your grandmother might not be able to put her finger on (or articulate to you) exactly what would help her. Maybe she is just mentally weary and burned out on living itself. To keep this in perspective we as a society are in uncharted waters - people live much. much longer these days compared to even a few decades ago. And sadly those last years of a long, long life are probably no picnic for the vast majority of people. I would say use the COVID restrictions time to try to come up with as many ideas to help her as you can.
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  3. Shirogayne

    Shirogayne 1/06 Was An Inside Job Formerly Important

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    If she's a woman of a certain age (ie pre-boomer), it's likely she never considered a life outside of being connected to her husband :( plus, I think once you get to a certain age and everyone in your generation is dying, you probably don't wanna get up after a while.
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  4. Tererun

    Tererun Troll princess and Magical Girl

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    That is where the problem arises. Maybe this is why I am so frustrated. I would normally confront a person in this sort of situation with an exploration of death. It is a little manipulative, but by accepting the direction you lead a person into what do you want to do before you die. You lead them into the idea that they can say fuck it. This normally leads them into finding something to do. This is very general, and I have brought a few people around with it. It becomes a little more complicated. However, part of the whole thing becomes a serious preparation for self termination.

    I do not consider it manipulative because I believe a person can reach a point where they make the choice to self terminate. However, in reality this has often lead to a different mindset in people who are not suffering from a painful future, but rather a lack of excitement over life. Without getting into all the weird shit about how you can turn this sort of thing around, there is a major problem in my situation doing this.

    She is my grandmother, and she is loaded. It is one thing to deal with a person you are not related to and will not get a gain from aside from sharing life. I guess due to ethics, morals, or fear/love my mind does not go down the same semi-dangerous road I would with others. With anyone else I would have already dragged them down a path towards this. I know what to do, and I know how to do it. I even want to do it because I have seen genuine happiness come from finding something new, and I do not think she is incapable. It is not like her mind is going to that extent.

    I guess that is my main difficulty. I am forced to sit and watch. I want to see her happy. I would do it for anyone else. Family is different because they don't chose to be with you, but they share an intimate bond with you.

    I am just bitching because I cannot even touch it from a legal standpoint. Any encouragement towards something that might be risky or leading towards death would be considered murderous even if In was only trying to help her come to terms and enjoy what times she has left. I am the only person she talks to in any sort of deep way. She does not have or want friends. I can get that to some extent because of what @Shirogayne said here. That is certainly a thing with all the older people I talk to, and even at my age I am losing people around me in much larger numbers. I imagine that does not get better. Her son, my father, doesn't talk about these things with her. My mother is not going to be confided in. My sister has her own issues with her.

    I am stuck, and I cannot do what I would normally do. Somehow I get nthe feeling there is this vengeful spirit pissed at me who is laughing at my frustration. I almost know it is there mocking me for a situation it set up.
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  5. NAHTMMM

    NAHTMMM Conversant in dark parables

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    Don't take it personally, it isn't aimed at you. Keep doing what you can, but understand that there may be nothing you can do to completely turn her around, as others have said.

    Edit: I agree the inactivity is itself a problem. Can you get her to a doctor for depression meds?
  6. Tererun

    Tererun Troll princess and Magical Girl

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    It seems I was really thinking too much into it. Don't yell at me, I took her to Golden Coral. She does not want to be near people so we eat as far away as possible anyway.

    So while we are there we see the waitress we know. This is why I love the black women from the Islands. They know old white people and how to kiss their ass just right, and they can even say it right to their face and the white old people don't get it. We go in, and the woman remembers our drink orders even though we have not been there in a couple of weeks. We were regulars, and waitresses do that. So my grandmother is so amazed and thinks she is so special. So while my grandmother is so happy and amazed the waitress says that it really is nothing but it makes all the old people feel special and they tip more because she knows what drinks they order. I am thinking that is saying you are really not special because she does it for everyone, but my grandmother eats it up. This is the same woman who thinks the local ford dealership sends her birthday and holiday letters because they are really thinking about her birthday. It is not that they used to buy a car every year because they had to spend some of their income or get taxed on it.

    The best thing is that I get half done with my drink and my grandmother goes all over the place looking for the waitress to refill it. I told her repeatedly not to do that because she would come around again. She is running off without a mask and I can't grab her like she is a child. I am sitting there wondering if what I am doing counts as murder, but I am really only enabling.

    It makes her happy and she doesn't really go around other people because she doesn't like other people. She cheered up and she felt special. It was just about doing the same thing she always does because I think she has OCD and loves her routine which is all been messed up.

    Oh, and now she has to change her bank. She says she wasn't getting statements. It could be true because they might have said something about paperless online stuff and she just yessed them to death. So she was calling up and supposedly talked to the president of bank of america. I am sure he took her call, but I am not going to ruin her trumpian lie. So it turns out she finally got them to send her something but it only went back a month. I am listening to that and I am thinking that is what she was looking for was her monthly statement. So I ask her if the monthly statement was what she wanted because seemed like the problem was solved, and then she gets angry because it was the statement for the past month. I am thinking that is how statements work because they cannot tell you what you will spend in the future.

    This is when the thought of shut the fuck up hits me. Just nod and smile and tell her she did great. Realize this is why old people are fucked up.
  7. Tererun

    Tererun Troll princess and Magical Girl

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    She is on paxil as far as I know. She is already there. The doctor already knows to keep the purpose of the paxil sort of vague, but important because she was prone to stop taking them. It does help because we could really tell when she was off of the meds.

    The more I hear from my parents the more I realize as a couple that set of grandparents shut themselves off from all of the rest of their family and never really socialized unless it was forced upon them. I have a feeling that was why my father was an only child. He was forcing them to deal with too many people with his schooling. They dropped out of church because they could not stand the way people wanted to come talk to them.

    If she wasn't so anti-social I would make an effort to move in with her to take care of her, but I would be in the way. Then she would want to control me, and beyond that there is the occasional confusion she has that I am my grandfather. It is not sexual, it is more in how she tries to lead me around like she did with him, and seems to forget we are not out on "dates" at times. Everyone in my family sees it on occasion and has to snap at her about it. That is all backed with anger over the way she has treated them so they are not going to cut her any slack. She is my grandmother. I am transgendered and she did not disown me and run away screaming like most people her age would have done. I can cut her some slack just for that because I have seen how things could have been.
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  8. matthunter

    matthunter Ice Bear

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    I think as you get older any change in routine becomes an anxiety source. Little things like a waitress knowing your drink order or the comfort of being able to enjoy a meal you know is gonna be just as good as the last time you ordered it help a lot.

    I actually just decided that this is why old folk like spirits, or sherry or port - they are much more consistent over time than wine or beer, because they can smooth out a bad year's grapes or hops. I won't spend huge amounts on wine as you can get an inconsistent result, but I know if I buy a bottle of port it'll always taste pretty much the same.

    As for her husband dying - the "dying of a broken heart" thing is real, though rarer these days. I've got several family members we don't think would survive long if their spouse went. We were surprised at my uncle, but he bounced back (though did finally slip away last week a coupla years after she died).
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