Show Us Your Worst Puns

Discussion in 'The Red Room' started by K., Mar 3, 2016.

  1. K.

    K. Sober

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    Why don't cheap supermarkets sell singing dogs?

    Because the cashier can't get the Bark Ode to work.

    Your turn.
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  2. Liet

    Liet Dr. of Horribleness, Ph.D.

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    Courtesy of Isaac Asimov:

    It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on Earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (with a name which was pronounced -- as nearly as Earthly throats could make the sounds -- Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.

    Every Foy, of course, came to voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must indulge in a year-long mental contact. Apparently, he himself had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart -- or hearts, for he had five.

    All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal.

    Maude Briscoe, Earth's most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. "It can't be just their number and size, Dwayne," she said to her chief assistant. "It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must have them."

    "I don't know if we can manage that," said Dwayne Johnson. "I've been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I've had to play on the feeling of tragedy any Foy would have over death away from home. And I've had to lie to him, Maude."

    "Lie?"

    "I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that by Earthly belief this would mean that his astral essence would be instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what's its name -- provided he would sign a release allowing you, Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation."

    "Don't tell me he believed that horse excrement!" said Maude.

    "Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn't have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for terrestrial science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion, and I hope he decides soon, because he can't live more than another day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be fresh and -- Ah, his signal."

    Dwayne Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed.

    "Yes?" he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device, in case the Foy wished to grant permission.

    The Foy's large, gnarled, rather tree-like body lay motionless on the bed. The bulging eyes palpitated (all five of them) as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Dwayne. The Foy's voice had a strange tone and the lipless edges of his open, round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gesture of assent as he said:

    "Give my big hearts to Maude, Dwayne. Dismember me for Harold's choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there --"
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  3. Lanzman

    Lanzman Vast, Cool and Unsympathetic Formerly Important

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    Did you hear about the guy who robbed the butcher shop? He stepped on a scale and got a weigh.
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  4. The Esquire of Gothos

    The Esquire of Gothos The Squire of Gotham

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    [​IMG]
    "As the tree said to the lumberjack ... I'm STUMPED!"
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  5. ed629

    ed629 Morally Inept Banned

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    [​IMG]
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  6. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    (This one is actually true.)

    I was with some friends the other night, and the classic monster film "The Mummy" was on television.

    I was feeling a bit tired so I excused myself, saying I wasn't going to hang around to see how it gets wrapped up.
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  7. mburtonk

    mburtonk mburtonkulous

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  8. Dinner

    Dinner 2012 & 2014 Master Prognosticator

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    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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  9. ed629

    ed629 Morally Inept Banned

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    [​IMG]
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