The Clone Wars

Discussion in 'The Workshop' started by Marso, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Yeah, I know. Another fan re-write of the prequels. :rolleyes:

    I'm ditching the entire EU for this and some things most people take for granted when it comes to SW. This will be much darker, much different, and much more adult. Some of the names will stay the same- the rest I'm turning on its ear. Stand by for chapter one; if you care...
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  2. Lethesoda

    Lethesoda Quixiotic

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    This is a heavy task to take up, Marso my boy. Succeed, and Valkyries will sing of you in lusty hymns. Fail, and... well, you'll have done worse than George Lucas at the prequel.
  3. K.

    K. Sober

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    I'm looking forward to reading this. :) It looks promising.

    If you're going to make it adult and a bit more complicated than what we got from Lucas, though, I'd like it even better if there were more than two essential factions. In the short intro above, you've completely aligned the Jedi with the principles of the Old Republic, and more or less aligned the Sith with the Trade Federation by flat out calling the latter evil. I think the story could be more interesting if the Jedi and the Republic, and the Sith and the Evil of the Trade Federation, were some degrees apart even though they're closer to each other than the Jedi are to the Sith. That's how intrigue usually works in adult societies: it happens because nobody ever completely shares anyone else's goals.
  4. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Chapter 1 is done and I've done a preliminary review of it. I'll give it another once over tomorrow and then put it up. Hopefully, from this chapter alone you'll get a decent feel for the direction I'm going with this, but there is a lot more 'change' to be revealed.
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  5. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Okay, it's ready, but now the !#@%*%^& board won't let me attach a measly 56KB pdf file!! :mad:

    Started a thread in the help desk about it. Stand by...
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  6. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Last edited: Mar 5, 2008
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  7. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    This file attachment thing is pissing me the fuck off! :ualbert:
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  8. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    And with thanks to Nick for fixing the cache size or whatever, here's Chapter 1. I just finished Chapter 2, but it needs editing. Chapter 2 is going to be mostly politicking with some character intros, and the action firing up again in Chapter 3.

    Without further ado...
    Last edited: May 5, 2008
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  9. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    Interesting and cooly reminiscent of Episode IV. A great visual is Maul and Luminara fighting, their blades coming inches from Amidala, as she sits completely still...
  10. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    You read the whole first chapter that fast? Jayzus, I just put it up ten minutes ago, seems like! :shock:
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  11. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Finished the prelimary edit of Chapter 2 last night. I'm going to give it another once over before converting it to pdf and putting it up. It always kills me, that no matter how many times I go back through it I always find another typo or three and the odd awkward phrase after I convert the file, but oh well.

    I'm starting to get really STOKED about Chapter 3, which I'll start on today. It's been building up in my head for a couple days, and it's taken shape. This is going to be the Anakin-Obi meetup, and I guarantee you'll like this version better than TPM. :tasvir:

    And no, it's not slash, you hosers!!
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  12. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Here's Chapter 2.
    Last edited: May 5, 2008
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  13. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    [Finished reading]

    You mistakenly refer to the Queen as 'Amidala' early on...

    Yikes! Way too much exposition in Bail's first few big chunks of dialog. I almost expected him to say to the audience 'Everybody got that?' at the end. :D

    "...with what sounded like genuine regret." - Don't tip your hand too early. If you want to convey that it may not be genuine, perhaps describe it as a "politician's exaggerated regret" or something.

    "If someone is pumping out capital sized warships, they won't be able to hide them forever. Either that, or we'll find the facility where they're being produced, which would be even better." - aren't these two cases the same?

    Do the people present in Palpatine's office know who's behind the attacks (seems to be indicated by Bail's comments) or are they merely suspicious ("...most likely the Trade Federation or the Techno Union, I imagine.")? I think it plays better if they know who it is and the challenge is to find proof.

    Whoops! I seem to have misread something somewhere. Is the Queen's name Amidala or Serina? Is the princess Amidala or Khaleen?

    I think you're spelling out too much and telling rather than showing.

    If this is the story of an investigation, you're giving away too much about Dooku too early. It's the middle of Chapter Two and we already know his entire agenda and his connection to the Sith.

    Does Kenobi not get Jedi intel? Earlier in the chapter, looking for conspicuous ship production is discussed but the Yoda/Windu scene reveals that the Jedi are already aware of some.

    I like how the Queen has a personal reason to support the chancellor getting an extended stay/emergency powers, but what reason really would anyone else have for going along with it?

    "How much damage would it do to give Palpatine some extra authority?" seems awfully naive for a queen. Better something like "Extending Palpatine's power--and concentrating power in his hands--carried risks, the queen well understood, but what other hope was there for her daughter?"

    Whew! Finished!

    Okay, I like what's happening so far, though I think it's happening too fast. If your story is an investigation--Obi-Wan as detective--you shouldn't reveal too much too fast, even though all of us know roughly how things are going to go with the main characters.

    I MUCH prefer that your story is starting at roughly the time frame of AOTC rather than all the way back at TPM, although I think Obi-Wan should be a bit older (I never understood how Obi-Wan can be around 35 when Luke is born but around 70 when Luke turns 20.) Of course, I'm not sure in your story how much time there is between this episode and ANH, so that may not even be an issue.

    Good stuff! I'll keep reading.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2008
  14. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Serina and Khaleen are given names, Amidala is their family name.

    In the case of the overall state of affairs, the 'good guys' pretty much have a grasp on what the Trade Federation and the 'bad guys' are up to, but they are in the process of running down incontrovertible proof. The Senate, as indicated, isn't much help.

    As for giving away Palpatine, I think that cat is well out of the bag. Some things you just can't change. I'm trying not to be too obvious about it, but everyone knows he's Darth Sidious anyway. Hell, even with the prequels, I knew that right out of the gate in Episode 1, even though people were speculating that it might not be true. But it's hard to deny when they are using the same actor for Palpatine that played the Emperor in ROTJ. :P

    I've taken Kenobi's age into account, and that will be 'fixed' here. The Clone Wars are going to last a lot longer than 3 years in my version. Relatively speaking, my Episode 1 still takes place about the same time as the Phantom Menace, but here all the principal players are roughly the same ages they were in AOTC, so everyone is going to end up about 10 years older at the end of my version than they were at the end of ROTS. In my version, the Trade Federation blockade of Naboo happened differently, and ten years farther in the past than the same events in TPM. :tasvir:
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  15. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Hey Paladin, what do you think of the changes I've made to the structure of the Jedi Order? And what's your initial opinion of the Antarean Rangers? You'll get to see them in action in the next couple of chapters, and if you're a KOTOR fan, Chapter 3 introduces something of a 'Jolee Bindo' style Antarean Ranger. I'm already having more fun with the character than I thought I would.
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  16. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Here's a timeline comparison to make things a little simpler:

    Canon Version........................................................Marso Version


    10 years before TPM...................................................Naboo Blockade


    TPM (Anakin is 9, Obi-wan is in his 20's).........................Episode 1 (Anakin is 16, Obi-wan is in his early 30's)


    AOTC (Ten years after TPM)........................................Clone Wars are Ending (Anakin is now in his late 20's, Obi-wan is in his early to mid 40's)


    ROTS (13 Years after TPM)..........................................Jedi Purge well underway


    ANH (Obi-wan is in his 50's?)........................................ANH (Obi-wan is in his mid-60's)



    I also figure that after 20 years of surviving the Jedi Purge and living hard in the Jundland Wastes, Kenobi's gonna be looking a little more aged than he might. When survived the destruction of the Jedi Order you have, look as good you will not!!
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  17. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    Ah. I would advise--if for no other reason than to preserve the sanity of lazy readers like me--that you use the family name very seldom. It is very easy to confuse a 'Princess Amidala' and a 'Queen Amidala' while reading.
    Understood. But there should perhaps be more obvious antipathy toward the Trade Federation. The characters assembled in Palpatine's office seem somewhat ambivalent.
    Sure, we all know. But I think the story works better--IMHO!--if you simply pretend we don't know and allow some mystery to remain around him. Too much familiarity will take the edge off the character.
    Awesome on both counts.
    I like it!
    So far so good. It's interesting that you use "Jedi" as a title (e.g., "Jedi Kenobi")...I almost wonder how it would work if you went REALLY medievel and used "Sir" as a title ("Sir Kenobi", "Sir Windu", etc.). Probably a little too old-fashioned.
    I like, so far.
    I don't really know Knights of the Old Republic, but I look forward to seeing what you do here. I would remind you (unnecessarily, I'm sure) to keep secondary characters from taking over the story, however.
    I like your timeline better than Lucas'. And I like that the Clone Wars and the Jedi Purge seem to be different events in your timeline (whereas the latter was the finale to the former in Lucas').
    I can buy a 60-year-old Kenobi in ANH; I can't buy a 50-year-old one.

    I'm enjoying it a lot so far and look forward to the next chapter.

    All of my critiques thus far are minor nitpicks, but I would like to suggest something: when you introduce characters--especially an action hero like Kenobi--it's much more effective if you do so while they're engaging in something that "shows them off" a little more. Consider these two examples...

    :vomit: Blech! Very George Lucas. Much better is...

    Not Nobel-worthy literature, I admit, but I think you get the point. In a story--particularly a highly visual and action-oriented story--meeting characters in a bland setting like an office is not very interesting. The story should hit the ground running.
  18. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Don't worry. Kenobi and co. start to shine in Chapter 3. It's time to do somma that Jedi shit!

    Oh, and I finished C3 tonight. I'm on a roll and it's 0230. I'm goin' to bed!!
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  19. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Chapter 3. :tasvir:
    Last edited: May 5, 2008
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  20. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    :lol: :techman: I'm hoping Gent emerges as the Han Soloesque character that keeps the story from drifting too far from reality.

    Good stuff, though daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn you're moving along fast. Too fast, I think: the reader doesn't really get time to know the character before the character is caught up in the action!

    For comparison's sake: in TPM (not that it's a great example), how much story time is there between Gui-Gon meeting Anakin and Anakin being freed? Quite a long time: the scene where they meet, the scene at the mother's house, the scenes negotiating with Watto, the scenes preparing for the pod race, the pod race itself, the scene where Qui-Gon wins Anakin's freedom, and the scene where Qui-Gon informs Anakin and his mother that he will be freed (as well as scenes that take place elsewhere--the ship, Naboo, the Trade Federation ship, Sidious' balcony, etc.). That's a long time...30 minutes or more. In your text, Obi-Wan discovers Anakin and secures his freedom in what seems like 30 seconds!

    Granted, an involved story of Anakin getting his freedom may not be the story you want to tell, but I think it would have more impact on the reader if the characters' situations were more firmly established before they undergo such profound changes.
  21. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Anakin's slave past will be explored in a bit more detail as time goes on, and will play a pivotal role in things in Episode II. :tasvir:
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  22. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Also, I've always wanted to write the scene with Obi-wan 'finding' Anakin that way, ever since I read the general idea in a Starlog magazine back in 1980 after TESB came out. I wanted Anakin's past to be much darker, much harder, and much more life-changing for him than it turned out to be in TPM, when he was rescued from slavery at age 9, but was living with his loving mother up until then. In the coming chapters, you'll see that this older Anakin, up until the time of his rescue, has been literally living in fear of his life just about as far back as he can remember.

    The flip side of writing it that way is that it is fast paced- it's a do or die moment in Anakin's life, and Obi-wan isn't left with any time for contemplation- he has to act.
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  23. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    One other thing: Anakin's childhood circumstances in this version will have 'programmed' him in a certain way to some extent, and this will result in a flaw in his makeup that Sidious will later be able to exploit. This will manifest itself more in Episode II, and especially in Episode III.

    For a hint of what that might be, think about the Shawshank Redemption. ;)
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  24. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Chapter 4 is finished; I need to do the edit/review on it. I'm on the road right now, so hopefully I should be able to get it up in the next day or two.
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  25. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    Hurry up, already! :mad:
  26. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Wow. I owe Chaos Descending some rep. I opened up and saw 17 posreps, all in this thread. :soma:
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  27. Paladin

    Paladin Overjoyed Man of Liberty

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    I think CD likes it.
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  28. Sean the Puritan

    Sean the Puritan Endut! Hoch Hech!

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    I have a soft spot in my heart for people who have an artistic talent and produce works that are pleasing to me.

    :)
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  29. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Last edited: Mar 11, 2008
  30. Marso

    Marso High speed, low drag.

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    Here's Chapter 4. Enjoy.
    Last edited: May 5, 2008
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