Today in "Not the Onion" ...

Discussion in 'The Red Room' started by tafkats, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. tafkats

    tafkats That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo! Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2004
    Messages:
    18,754
    Location:
    Sunnydale
    Ratings:
    +29,982
    ... or the Babylon Bee either.

    Evangelist says God told him he needs fourth private plane

    DESTREHAN, La. (AP) — A prosperity gospel televangelist is asking disciples to "pray about becoming a partner" to his mission of obtaining a $54 million private jet.

    The Louisiana-based ministry of Jesse Duplantis has already paid cash for three other private planes, but he says God told him, "I want you to believe in me for a Falcon 7X."​

    Link: http://www.azfamily.com/story/38300711/evangelist-wants-54m-jet-jesus-wouldnt-be-riding-donkey

    The huckster goes on to explain that if Jesus were alive today, he wouldn't be riding a donkey. (Probably true, but I imagine he'd be driving a '98 Ford Focus, riding Greyhound buses, or flying coach ...)

    Are all of these asshole bible-thumpers in some kind of competition to see how un-Christlike they can possibly be?
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • popcorn popcorn x 1
  2. Federal Farmer

    Federal Farmer Rebel Scum

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2013
    Messages:
    27,036
    Location:
    The South
    Ratings:
    +19,561
    Yeah, no. I’m not going to lie, ( grew up religious, but haven’t been to church in ages and I don’t conform to one religious ideology) I’ve felt what I thought was divine inspiration or “god talking to me”(while not doing drugs) and well, I’ll let Han Solo take it from here...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. Amaris

    Amaris Hopeful

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2004
    Messages:
    22,257
    Location:
    My Heart
    Ratings:
    +28,145
    This. When I was younger, and a devout, conservative Christian, I was a fan of Jesse. Around the time he began talking about needing a Citation X (specifically), I was already on my way out, and I could see clearly how corrupt it all was. So this is no surprise.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Federal Farmer

    Federal Farmer Rebel Scum

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2013
    Messages:
    27,036
    Location:
    The South
    Ratings:
    +19,561
    Oh, I didn’t even click the link, just made a general response .

    No, I never liked that guy from the get go. When it comes to televangelists, I can spot them from a mile away. The only one I’m still not sure about is Joyce, but I suspect my instincts are right.

    I’m sure there’s probably one guy that’s genuine, but since there’s so much more late, late night tv now, I don’t bother trying to figure out these guys anymore.

    I used to watch them when there was nothing on just to see how full of shit they were, it was a game I played.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. Elwood

    Elwood I know what I'm about, son.

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2004
    Messages:
    28,747
    Location:
    Unknown, but I know how fast I'm going.
    Ratings:
    +20,659
    A heretic and a false teacher that's going to bust Hell wide open unless he repents. Money is his god.

    Here is a good article about how to spot these heretical "churches."
  6. Federal Farmer

    Federal Farmer Rebel Scum

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2013
    Messages:
    27,036
    Location:
    The South
    Ratings:
    +19,561
    I wish Jesus would come home every so often to flip over tables and run these dickheads off.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Fantasy World Fantasy World x 1
  7. Federal Farmer

    Federal Farmer Rebel Scum

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2013
    Messages:
    27,036
    Location:
    The South
    Ratings:
    +19,561
    These are the Snake Oil salesmen of our time.
  8. oldfella1962

    oldfella1962 light & lethal

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Messages:
    73,367
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Ratings:
    +27,512
    well DUH! There are the four horsemen of the apocalypse :bergman: so you have to "fight fire with fire!" :yes: You want the preacher to get rag-dolled by Satan and his minions? :diablo:
    Seriously though two planes are plenty - he can have one foot on top of each plane as he flies into the storms of temptation and evil, swatting down demons with his gold plated bible! :techman:
  9. K.

    K. Sober

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2004
    Messages:
    26,157
    Ratings:
    +28,087
    Heretic! A donkey is a donkey and has to be a donkey. Six days is six days and means six days. A pig's skin means a pig's skin, shellfish is shellfish, and homosexuality is homosexuality, and all of these are sins just as the bronze age priests said they are, except for pigs and shellfish, because they were later allowed, but not homosexuality. After all, the message of the Lord has been preserved by Him directly and verbatim; and necessary emendations would have been made, divinely.

    There is something about the blatancy with which Jesse Duplantis tells his lies that makes him seem almost honest in his dishonesty, compared to the less openly shameless but more destructive lies of his competitors. Him having another private jet probably will make a lot less people miserable than most of the other superstition he and so many of his allegedly more decent colleagues peddle. What do I care if Duplantis flies? I care that they're defunding Planned Parenthood, vilifying gender studies, denying climate change, and whipping up support for the pussy-grabber in chief because Jesus told them so.
    • Agree Agree x 3
  10. TheBurgerKing

    TheBurgerKing The Monarch of Flavor

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2009
    Messages:
    3,709
    Location:
    In a Baneblade
    Ratings:
    +2,391
    First warning sign is televangelist. and no one complained about private jets #1 through 3 ?
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
  11. Fisherman's Worf

    Fisherman's Worf Hamachi is a fish best served cold

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2004
    Messages:
    25,206
    Ratings:
    +26,304
    clearly he needs the planes to get closer to god
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. RickDeckard

    RickDeckard Socialist

    Joined:
    May 28, 2004
    Messages:
    35,270
    Location:
    Ireland
    Ratings:
    +26,520
    Hmm. The problem with the "What would Jesus do?" counterargument is that it assumes that Jesus wasn't also a huckster. He may well have been. Claiming rulership of the universe is not a small play.
    • popcorn popcorn x 2
  13. The Night Funky

    The Night Funky BMF Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2007
    Messages:
    27,742
    Location:
    Can't tell you, 'cause I'm undercover!
    Ratings:
    +40,004
    [​IMG]
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. oldfella1962

    oldfella1962 light & lethal

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Messages:
    73,367
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Ratings:
    +27,512
    perhaps that was his thought process, but it's flawed....a plane can only get so high - 40,000 feet or something? Having 100 planes won't get you any higher than that. God is way, way higher.
    Just "thinking out loud here" but what if we strapped the preacher to a rocket and shot him up in the general direction of god? I say let's take up a "love offering" and fund this experiment!
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. oldfella1962

    oldfella1962 light & lethal

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Messages:
    73,367
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Ratings:
    +27,512
    I hear that! I currently rule the universe and it eats up a lot of my free time. :whew: But hard as it is to believe the job only required a GED and a clean drug test - I couldn't pass up that opportunity!
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. Bickendan

    Bickendan Custom Title Administrator Faceless Mook Writer

    Joined:
    May 7, 2010
    Messages:
    17,630
    Ratings:
    +16,597
    :ecc:God's smokin' da good stuff man.
    • Funny Funny x 1