There's been a slew of teen suicides in the news, young men who killed themselves after living through bullying and harassment for being gay. This really nothing new - maybe there just haven't been enough shark attacks this season - young people frequently attempt suicide due to homophobic or transphobic or otherwise sexist hatred, and they sometimes succeed, and they don't even have to be actually queer to be a target. So Dan Savage started the YouTube It Gets Better project, where older people speak to younger, saying that they're not going to be around their schoolyard tormentors forever, that they'll have so much life ahead of their teenage and young adult years where there'll be love and acceptance and peace, away from the people who hate them and who are allowed to harass them. And maybe that's true, and maybe they'll just just move on to an adult world where they're still the butt of jokes and still barred from their passions and still not seen as completely real, human people. But when you're dealing with people who are so far gone that they are contemplating ending their own young lives, those glimpses of hope might be enough, they might hold out long enough until the freedoms and rights of adulthood kick in. This isn't some kind of wimpy emo-fad thing to be laughed off. Being so harassed, so tormented that children would rather kill themselves now than wait to see what more life has to offer is not a normal part of youth. This is real, these dead bodies found by their parents are real. But a lot of people are too entertained by their own viciousness to take this seriously, and they'll keep taunting, and they'll keep blowing it off, and they'll keep convincing themselves that they are not the least bit to blame for deliberately forming such a hostile and hate-filled world. .. And from the other side, there are those who are always trying to outdo each other on the 'more-pc-than-thou' scale. They've dismissed the It Gets Better project saying "Of course it got better for you, Dan! You're White! And male!" - because it shows you're more enlightened (er, that word's probably considered racist now . . . maybe 'correct-minded'? or is that ableist?) if you bring up 'privilege' at every opportunity. And you can't get more privileged than being a white man! How can you complain about anything when you're by default at the top? Everything's always roses and kittens if you're a white man! Never mind if your parents disown you and you're homeless and nobody wants to help you because you're queer and icky! It couldn't Get Better for anyone not a white man, since they don't get to leave school and grow up and . . uh . . . Well, the point is to try to ironically not support something that sounds like a really good idea to not only help people in need but to say to the greater world, "Hey! There is a big damn problem here!" .. It makes me so angry that the It Gets Better project even has to exist.
If any program keeps people from killing themselves it's a positive thing. But bullies will always find a reason to bully people, that will never stop. But some people don't have enough support to help them "tough it out" until thimngs get better.
I think part of the problem is that kids these days have helicopter parents who basically raise them to be unable to cope with real-world stress.
I would guess he means they hover around their children so much that they never let the kids learn or discover things on their own.
Ah. That makes sense. I was raised ... kinda like that - I always referred to it as overprotected, middle class upbringing. I was completely unprepared for the challenges of real life - and vowed I would never do that to either of my boys. I always made them do things on their own, whether it's ... asking for ketchup in a restaurant or crossing the street on their own (on that one I actually watched, but pretended not to be so he would think he was doing it on his own). Many other examples, but, yea, I definitely agree about the helicopter parents being detrimental to kids becoming adults.
I suspect over attentive parents are less of a problem than neglected children when it comes to preparing one for the "real" world.
I don't think it has much to do with whether the parents were too neglectful or too overprotective. The problem is with bullying and harassment, and with a society that says that queer kids bring it on themselves and that they deserve it and where adults rarely do anything to actually stop it. The message of the 'It Gets Better' project is saying that the 'real world' of adulthood is far better than the confinement and disregard experienced in childhood and adolescence.
Neither bullying nor harassment have valid justification, and the excuses are by no means limited to homosexuality. A compassionate goal yet the long term solution isn't telling people to write off their childhood. The solution lies in changing our treatment of children. Too often children are being raised by public schools, television, the internet, and worst of all, other children.
I agree, but to be fair, this isn't a problem which is limited to gay kids (their particular situation, being highly politicized, tends to call extra attention to them). There is plenty of bullying enacted upon kids of every stripe. The year before I left Ohio, a kid who attended school with my stepson killed himself after having endured years of being bullied by varsity athletes. The kid wasn't gay, he was just a geek, and he got pushed around and abused in plain sight of teachers and administrators. The day before he killed himself, a teacher heard a member of the football team tell the kid that he was useless, and he should just go home and kill himself. The teacher said nothing to the football player and did not report it to the administration. She just stood there and watched. Society doesn't say that queer kids, or any kids for that matter, "bring it on themselves". The problem is that the bullies are, more often than not, athletes or cheerleaders or members of the popular clique, and that makes them a "protected class" in most schools. Teachers don't or won't hold them accountable for their actions because of their popularity, or because the parents of the bullies refuse to intervene when their little prince or princess acts like an ass. While bullies themselves should be held accountable for their actions, it's the adults who are in supervisory positions who've enabled the behavior (and really, enabling might as well be condoning). Kids can't self-govern. While there should be some sort of significant deterrents and punishments for bullies, there should be serious legal consequences for educators who fail to act. If some teacher feared for his or her job, or about a fine or jail time, maybe they'd be more inclined to intervene when the varsity quarterback tries to stuff the captain of the chess club into a locker. As for the bullies: It's really time to take the gloves off in schools. If a football player bullies some kid, then maybe the school should be compelled to suspend the entire team from sports (or whatever activity) for an entire academic year. No games. No practices. No pep rallies. Coaches take a commensurate reduction in pay for the time they're not spending with their suspended team. I guaran-damn-tee you that after one year without a homecoming game due to bullying, you'll find that coaches, administrators, and probably no small number of students are going to have an elevation of awareness.
A parent can't control other people's kids. The only thing a parent can do is teach the child he has value and nothing anyone else says - teachers, bullies, siblings - can take away that value. And, bullies aren't limited to "the popular kids". That's a generalization emphasized by a movie. Plenty of the unpopular kids bully each other amongst themselves. Schools should make more of an effort to curb bullying, but the only thing a parent can do is prepare their child for interactions with other kids and teach them how to stand their ground.
No, not really. Bullying is a pattern of behavior which hinges on social stratification, as opposed to two kids fighting. The bully always belongs to a "class" which finds itself higher up the pecking order than the kid who is the target of the bullying. This is why it's almost unheard of to find a popular kid being bullied. If someone starts to engage in "bullying" behavior with a popular kid, the social group of which he or she is a member will react to protect it's own (which includes mobilizing parents, teachers and administrators). The unpopular kid does not enjoy the kind of protection offered by such a social clique, which is why he or she is vulnerable. Are there exceptions to this? Yes. It's not unheard of to find bullying happening laterally, between members of two cliques, but, again, that's tied to social stratification, the goal of which is to render one or the other party "less popular". You'll find all this explained in these: Pipher, Mary, Reviving Ophelia:Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, New York, Ballantine Books, 2005 Coloroso, Barbara, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle, New York, Harper, 2009 ....as well as about 2 dozen other books on the subject.
I don't know if any of you read this story, but I found it really sad... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101008/ap_on_re_us/us_bullying_one_town Suburbia isn't always just rose gardens and picket fences. I did get bullied when I was a kid... quite a bit. So I kinda understand what these kids are going through. There was a time when I was extremely depressed and suicidal, not necessarily from bullying but just from a lot of different things going on. But somehow I grew out of that phase... It is way too late, but I wish I could tell these kids it will get better. These folks who are bullying you now will be working in McDonalds or washing your car 10 years from now, while you are probably making loads of money. You just have to stick with it.
Funny, you always struck me as the type to enjoy you some bullying. Well, not for real, but probably the dream, eh?
The assumption that bullying is an inevitable part of life or "real-world stress," and that somehow it's the victim's fault for not sucking it up is the other half of the problem. Bullies aren't born; they're made. Someone bullied them; they're just paying it forward. Go to the root of the problem - the abusive father, the older sibling who beats the crap out of them on a regular basis - and you let one less bully loose. But that requires society at large to pay attention and, if necessary, intervene in the Sacred Circle of the Family, and We Can't Have That.
Ayuh. Ah, the "I know you are, but what am I?", defense. Probably what got his sister whaling on him.
Hmmm. I sorta disagree. Neglected kids have to do for themselves and develop the hard exterior that is useful in later life. Pampered kids grow up to barely be able to wipe their own ass. At least that's been my experience.
Sorry. Forgot I needed your permission. Interesting exception to the rule. Poor little rich kid, spent a great deal of his childhood in bed. That which did not kill him made him stronger?
Indeed, it does get better, the toxic ability of the swine to do harm shrinks away down to impotent nasty little negreps. At that point, they're already dead inside.
As the target of bullying as a child, I would agree that its not limited to gays, though they may endure a harder time since they may lack support from parents or family. When I was in middle school I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis for being book smart, I always fought back, punched a few kids in the face, tackled some others, but at the end of the day it was always 4 v 1. My bus driver didn't care, my principal didn't care. Shit, I got detention for throwing a snowball but those fuckers didn't get one for tormenting the hell out of me for 3 years. Eventually I went to a private school, where being intelligent was less of a social stigma. But it does get better. If you can make it past that point where you don't want to keep going, you become tough as fuck, with an indomitable spirit that can't be crushed. So while it may suck for a while, it does get better. To a certain extent I agree with you, most gay people I know who are the butt of jokes are those who are stereotypically gay, ie, fashion designer who talks with "the gay voice." The ones who act masculine but are still gay don't suffer the same treatment. My best friend is gay and aside from the fact that he fucks dudes you wouldn't know it. He doesn't use the voice, he loves guns and hunting and all sorts of manly shit, he just prefers dudes.
