Religion without God

What if the horse is dressed really slutty, and you pay its mother off, and you're running for office in Alabama as a Republican?

If the horse led you on (or to water, so to speak), then it's OK but you might have to say some Hail Mary's and act really, really, super sorry on FOX.

Backstage at FOX, of course, it's wall to wall horse-fucking. At least, that's how they referred to what Bill-O's female staff went through.

Oh, yeah, Paul. Raised in the Greek tradition. He doth protest too much, methinks.

"Raised in the Greek tradition", huh? What do you mean by that, and what do you base THAT on?

The "Greek tradition" may not mean what you think it does. Although it is clear that Paul was a Hellenised Jew, moreso than the other apostles.

That's why I am asking her what she means and where she gets that idea.

Was that before or after he fell off the horse?

The point is, Jesus never said Word One about homosexuality, so people always fall back on Paul with the claim that "he was speaking for Jesus."

"Jesus never said one word about ___________" is a nonsense argument. I suspect you yourself know this, but don't really care.

Jesus upheld "the Law and the Prophets", which is plain for anyone to see in the New Testament.

And that's why Christians keep kosher and never get tattoos.

Given that you also say that he "fulfilled" the old covenant (or whatever phraseology you use) that gives you license to have him agree or disagree with the OT as you prefer. Convenient.

So cite me the verse where Jesus said "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

And because neither the OT or the NT, or even that misogynist Paul ever said "No girl-on-girl action!" does that mean it's okay?

No, it really doesn't.

Not really, no.

And now, a quick rundown of God's history with mankind. (God's words and thoughts will be big and bold, like my favorite barbecue sauce).
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"And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day."
I LIKE THIS. THIS IS DEFINITELY GOOD. PRETTY, TOO. I LIKE NATURE. HATE PEOPLE, LIKE NATURE. ALL GOOD, THOUGH.

"Hey, Eve, try this apple! It's from God's tree of knowledge! The one that he set right here in the middle of the garden!"
WHY DID THEY GO TO THE EXACT PLACE I TOLD THEM NOT TO GO? WELL, THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD. I MADE ALL THINGS GOOD.

"This is delicious, serpent. Thank you. Holy shit, I have boobs."
THAT'S NOT GOOD.

"Hey Adam! Try this apple. If you do, I'll let you touch my awesome boobs."
UH OH.

"Hey Eve! This apple is great! Also, boobs are fun."
FUCK.

"Let's go have sex next to the lions."
SHIT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIX THIS. ADAM AND EVE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU RUINED IT!
*kicks Adam and Eve out of garden of Eden, runs away crying*


<One thousand years later>

"Where's God been? He left real angry, and never told us what we had to do. So I guess we'll have to figure it out ourselves."
YOU'VE ALL MADE ME SO ANGRY! YOU'RE ALL EVIL! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED! I'MA DROWN YOU ALL FOR BEING EVIL! EXCEPT FOR NOAH BECAUSE REASONS.

"Lord, I have created the boat exactly as you have asked."
VERY GOOD. LOAD EVERY ANIMAL I EVER CREATED ONTO IT.

"Um, there are millions of species, Lord. How will they a-
LOAD THE DAMN BOAT, NOAH, OR I'LL JUST OPEN THE HEAVENS RIGHT NOW.

"Fine, fine. Jesus Christ!"
WHAT?

"Nothing."
VERY WELL. YOU KNOW, THAT NAME HAS A NICE RING TO IT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SAVE THAT ONE. NOAH! ARE THE ANIMALS ABOARD?

"Um... sure."
VERY WELL, I SHALL FLOOD THE EARTH, AND ALL SHALL PERISH EXCEPT FOR THE ANIMALS I HAVE SAVED ON THE BOAT, AND ALSO NOAH.

"Lord, what about the fish?"
WHAT?

"The fish, Lord. I do not presume to speak as if I know more than you..."
DAMNED RIGHT.

"...but I have to ask how will the fish die? They live in the water."
...GET ON THE DAMNED BOAT. *turns on tap*

"We're all dying! Lord save us!"
LOLZ. TOO LATE, BITCHES. SHOULD HAVE SERVED ME WHEN I DEMANDED YOU. I MADE IT PLAIN AS DAY THROUGH VARIOUS PROPHETS WHO WOULD RANT OUTSIDE OF YOUR LOCAL MINI-MALLS.

"Lord, this is Noah. It has been 40 days, and everything is really wet and dead. Lots of rotting corpses in the water."
GOOD ENOUGH, THEN. NOAH, I AM SETTING YOU DOWN ON THIS MOUNTAIN TOP BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. ALSO, SEE THIS RAINBOW? GAYS WILL APPROPRIATE IT TO REPRESENT DIVERSITY AND COLOR, A POSITIVE FORCE FOR GOOD. I WANT YOUR DESCENDANTS TO BITCH ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS MY PROMISE NOT TO DROWN YOU ANYMORE, AND THAT'S IMPORTANT.

<One thousand years later>

"We've been slaves for 400 years. If only God, the guy we've been trying to talk to since the days of Noah, would help us out."
FINE. I'M SENDING YOU MOSES. HE MANAGED NOT TO DIE WHEN I LET THE PHARAOH KILL A BUNCH OF YOUR KIDS. THAT SEEMS TO BE A RUNNING THEME HERE.

"I can't thpeak very good, God."
TAKE YOUR BROTHER AARON, THEN. ME ALMIGHTY, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?

"They won't free the Hebrews, even though I told them that you said they could go."
THEY WANT PROOF? WHEN DID THAT TREND START? TIME TO NIP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. HOPE THEY'RE NOT ATTACHED TO THEIR KIDS.

"We're free! We're free!"
VERY GOOD. GO TO MY MOUNTAIN HOME AND WAIT FOR ME. I'LL BE STOPPING BY WITH SOME HOUSE RULES. ESSENTIALLY, THEY'RE GIVING UP ONE TASK MASTER FOR ANOTHER. SAY NOTHING.

"Lord, the people are celebrating their freedom by having sex and drinking wine. You know, because their bondage is over."
THEY WILL FOLLOW THESE LAWS OR DIE. ALSO, I WILL KILL SOME OF THEM NOW FOR BREAKING THESE LAWS BEFORE I EVEN HANDED THEM OUT.

<One thousand five hundred years later>

"Lord! Lord! We've been faithful these two thousand years through trial and tribulation! We have faltered at times, trying to keep your word even though they go against much of the human nature you created, but we need your help now! The Romans are killing so many and subjugating the rest of us!

OKAY. NOW THAT YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG, I'M READY TO FORGIVE YOU. FIRST, THOUGH, YOU'LL NEED TO MURDER MY SON. ONLY THEN WILL I FORGIVE YOU, AND ONLY IF YOU ASK HIM NICELY. DON'T ASK ME, I'LL FUCK YOU UP FOR SLEEPING IN CHURCH. ASK HIM. ALSO, I'M HIM AND HE'S ME, BUT ASK HIM, BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, AND I PLAN ON SENDING HIM BACK EVENTUALLY, TO MURDER MOST OF YOU. GOOD LUCK.

Really? So not only are you against the gays, you want them stoned to death too? You don't have some fancy theological footwork to get out of that one? Good to know.

Ehhh. I'll come close.

Matthew 19:4-6

Romans 1:26-27 seems to speak to the subject.

When you're done running down the list of everything I believe and everything I want, is it cool if I go ahead and inform you of everything you believe and everything you want too, or would it be too much to ask for you to discuss things with integrity?

Stop, you're killing me!

Romans has girl on girl action?! No wonder the Protestants like it so much!

Some might say that's an interdiction against divorce and/or adultery. Given that Jesus himself never married (although some apocrypha suggest he did), it's kind of a "do as I say, not as I do," innit?

That could easily mean incest a la Lot's daughters. Or animals.

Hmm, what color is God?
Should I ask Dayton, or do you think he'll ignore me again?

Tsk, that's easy! We know what his son looked like:



and unless Mary was Swedish, there's a pretty good chance the kid was a clone of his old man.

Was that you, or snipped from elsewhere? It was pretty funny!

Not without consent, you won't. Quoting Matthew doesn't cut it. It may mean Gift of God but I'm not letting you unwrap me, pal.

This works too:

Edit by Christopher: Oglaf strip spoilered. Because reasons. Click on it for teh funnehz, avoid it to keep teh boss away.

Twas all me.

You've got to love OGLAF.

That's going in Wordforge Quotes.

Here is a question I always find problematic. In the case of the writers of the bible they are all divinely inspired and they are also the ones who verify that they are divinely inspired. If I went up to you and told you god talked to me, and that my verification for that is I know because I was inspired by god to write all these rules down, you would be wise to not trust me. Maybe you want to trust me because I made some sense to you, but why would most people trust me?

None of the bible is written by god. Not even the old testament. I can look at the stories of jesus and say I believe the philosophy of forgiveness and love are important to peace and life in the world. But I cannot say jesus existed or that those are anything but stories which correspond to my knowledge of the world and how many things work. For that matter I see nothing at all wrong with gay love and families made by gay people. I do not see anything wrong wirth eating shellfish or pork today. I see things wrong with slave owning and domestic violence which are both condoned and even instructed in the bible and torah.

I don't get where this proof of the bible's words comes from. We even know that the bible is blatantly wrong about events. This whole debate about the bible being faultless and having the truth is stupid because we know it is wrong, and we know it's practitioners don't follow all of it anymore. I could debate the rationality of certain christian philosophy and hiow it can apply to our lives or maybe it no longer does, but that is just stories and parables which come from humans.

I could get certain rationale about gay relationships being wrong and debating those ideas with other humans, but god is not here making any defined proof, and certainly the bible is not proof of anything given it's fallibility. It is great that you believe it, but for the purpose of a debate or discussion we have to have some established facts and the bible the bible does not even have established facts under christianity when you realize different sects believe different interpretations and things about it, jesus, and god. Not to mention the very basis for the prophecy of jesus comes from the torah and the jews who say jesus is not the savior the torah spoke of. The jews of the time never converted when jesus supposedly rose from the grave. Which tells me none of them witnessed his rising as truth. Those stories did not even get made until hundreds of years after the event and jesus left no evidence of his resurrection behind. This is the defining event that says he is the son of god and there is no evidence of his return?

In order for me to regard the bible as some form of truth and not parable I need to see some proof. I am not donating money and dedicating my life to the ideas of the bible when proof of the resurrection is not only absent, but the book itself contradicts events we know did or did not happen. You can quote sections of the bible all you want, but it has the same amount of truth as quoting harry potter. There is less opposing evidence to jedi and a galaxy far far away than there is to the bible.

In order for me to regard the bible as some form of truth and not parable I need to see some proof. I am not donating money and dedicating my life to the ideas of the bible when proof of the resurrection is not only absent.[/quote]

The former atheist Lee Stroble in the book (and subsequent movie) "The Case for Christ" makes a compelling evidentiary argument in favor of the death and subsequent resurrection of Christ.

Remember what I said earlier about context? Both historical and spiritual? Do you want a real bombshell? In Philippians 3:5, Acts 22:3, and Acts 23:6 Paul admits that he was a Pharisee. Guess what? To be a Pharisee, you had to be married. I would suggest that Paul, for whatever reason, was a widower. That should shed some insight and add some context to his writings about marriage and sex, specifically 1 Corinthians 7. I'll paraphrase and say that it's better to stay single/divorced/widowed, but if you must, go ahead and marry/remarry because that's preferable to winding up in sin.

For the record, I loathe the anglicanized/westernized image of a sissified, needy Jesus that is perpetuated in North America.