I'm putting this here because I'd appreciate a civil discussion that I wouldn't get in the Red Room, and would appreciate it if we could have a civil discussion please. My girlfriend wants to have children with me. Personally I don't want to have children with her ever and this is moving way too soon for me. The reason being is because I don't think I would be a good parent and would be a bad one because of certain negative influences I've had in my life that they'd more than likely inherit from me. But, I know absolutely nothing about parenting and she got me to thinking about what would make a good parent? How much control and discipline should be enacted? How do you teach the children the values you'd want them to have? What kinds of discipline have you found works best? How do you encourage them for having good work values, to avoid laziness, to avoid being an unpopular person who's badly overweight due to depression? How do you teach them to be liked and popular if you aren't? How would you teach them to not follow your example and not be like them aby avoiding your mistakes? So what makes a good parent? And how do you help your children to be happy, healthy, and well adjusted if you're(general you not specifically) not?
Wow, that's a lot of questions that I don't think any good parent has all the answers to. My kid turned out really well. I'm always getting compliments from teachers and other grown-ups who know him about how he's such a great person. I've sometimes stopped and thought about what I did to get him to turn out as good as he did. The answer is nothing. I didn't set out to make him the person he is. It just happened. Maybe it's because he had limits, but although sometimes quite loose enough for him to make choices and learn from his mistakes. Maybe it's because he wasn't always given all the things he wanted. Maybe it was because he got lots of exposure to various experiences. I will take credit for things like running to Wal-mart or Walgreens in the middle of the night buying poster boards, glue, markers, or anything else he needed for a project that was due the next day or looking for a specific type of notebook or binder. I'll also take credit for being a role model that has shown him education is the most important thing you can ever do for yourself. One of the things that has always makes me laugh is thinking back when he was in kindergarten. I would drop him off near the front door and usually had to wait for a line of cars to get by before I could leave. If there were people behind him he would hold the door open for them. I never taught him that and I never really thought about it until one day a parent mentioned that he did it for her. I'm guessing he learned by watching us. Probably didn't help with the discussion much, but it's my perspective.
Start by making a list of what your parents did right and what they did wrong. Emulate what they did right, and find better ways to do what they did wrong. The important thing to remember is that a child is not a pet or a toy, not some sort of wish fulfillment (i.e. don't become a Little League parent), not an extension of your personality, not demon spawn that you have to "beat some sense into," but someone entrusted to your care to nurture, educate and guide toward autonomy (which includes knowing when to rein them in and when to let go), the small stuff will take care of itself.
Give the child the respect you expect from it. Set firm boundaries. Don't sweat the small stuff. Make it clear that while you'll always love them, it doesn't mean you'll always like what they do*. *I was really good at that bit, with the result that daughter, aged about 6, was stomping about the house one day. When I finally asked her what was going on, she glared at me and, 'I love you very, very, much, but I'm REALLY ANGRY with you just now.'
If you're aware that there were things that weren't done right when you were a child, you're less likely to repeat them. Garamet and Linda and Seda are on the right track. Treat kids with respect and they'll respect you back after age 12 when they start growing minds of their own.
Personally, I chose to not have kids because I know my own limitations. I'm 100% positive I'd make a lousey father and I shudder to think what I'd do to a poor helpless child. Happily, Mary didn't want any either, so it worked out.
