Dear friends, I have been mortally wounded...

The emergency room is for pussies. 95% of medical emergencies can be solved with duct tape &/or krazy glue, aspirin &/or whisky, and plenty of rest. I went to the ER when I was 2 and I cut my chin open when I slipped and bashed it on a railing, and again when I got stung by, like, a million bees. I sorta went to an ER when I tore my ACL skiing. They have a little clinic at the bottom of the hill that the ski patrol will cart you to in a toboggan. That ride, 15-30 minutes on a cot, and a trash bag full of snow for a cold compress are free. As soon as the doctor comes over and does the test on your knee (which consists of pulling on the back of your knee, watching how much your shin moves, and then comparing that with the other knee) will cost you the same as a visit to the ER.

Shit. Now that I've said this, I'll get food poisoning or slam my penis in a car door or something.

Bah. That's a fucking scratch.

Clean it up and wrap it tight.

Fucking emergency room.

PPFFFT

I didn't go to the hospital for my foot. I used the first aid kit, had it all bandaged up there, then washed and returned it the next week, after buying my own, so the club could have one in their kit.

I have a scar on the top of my eye because I accidentally ran into a metal disc when I was 17, even then I didn't go to the hospital, doctors can do stiches themselves easily, just had glue stitches.

and I'm a GIRL.

^
Well that'll prevent Tetanus!

Well, be fair Para...treating herself was probably better and safer than going through the NHS.

It was a sports hall, it was clean!

Oh god I just read the wikipedia article on Tetanus.
I shouldn't have done that.
My jaw feels swore.
I think I have Tetanus.

You probably don't.

Spend less time gagging on penis and more time learning to spell.

It's all in the technique.

Rub your injured finger across your anus until pus starts oozing and your temp goes up to at least 101°.