THE BUGGY BEGINS TO SLOW DOWN, THEN IT SHUTS OFF. SAM You've got to be kidding me. We're out of fuel. Damn this gas powered crap. CASSANDRA'S BUGGY STOPS. CASSANDRA You guys alright? NOAH Out of gas! CASSANDRA Well crap. ROCKO Want some help pushing it? SAM That'd be great. HEKTOR I'm not pushing this thing two miles! SAM Don't be such a pussy, it's a buggy. You slip it in neutral and rest a few hands on it, it'll go. HEKTOR In this heat, you're crazy. The desert is airborn, I can taste the lizard shit. SAM Fine, just switch Rocko and we'll meet you at the town. CASSANDRA You sure you don't want us to stay with you? ROCKO Nah, we'll be fine. Give us twenty minutes, we'll be there. CASSANDRA Alright. HEKTOR GETS IN CASSANDRA'S BUGGY. CASSANDRA See you guys in a bit. CASSANDRA DRIVES OFF. ROCKO (Getting behind the buggy.) Alright Sam, slip it into neutral. SFX: SLIGHT THUMP. SAM AND NOAH JOIN ROCKO. SAM Captain, get in the driver's seat. We need you to steer. NOAH Damnit. THE CAPTAIN LEAPS OVER THE FRONT SEAT AND, AFTER A FEW OVERDRAMATIC KICKS AND FLAILING, POSITIONS HIMSELF UPRIGHT. HE PUTS HIS HANDS ON THE WHEEL. SAM Alright now, as we push, steer us toward the town. This is a very simple task, Captain. If you can pilot a space ship, you can drive a buggy. THE CAPTAIN Alrighty. Hands and three and seven... ROCKO This isn't going to end well. SAM Alright, push. SAM, ROCKO, AND NOAH PUSH. THE CAPTAIN MAKES RACE CAR SOUNDS FROM THE FRONT. NOAH He'd better be steering us in the right direction. SAM LOOKS OVER THE BACK OF THE BUGGY. SAM So far, so good- SFX: LOUD THUD. THE BUGGY STOPS, THE CAPTAIN STILL MAKING RACE CAR SOUNDS. SAM, ROCKO, AND HEKTOR WALK AROUND TO THE FRONT. NOAH Son of a bitch! Thousands of miles of open desert, and you manage to hit a fucking sink hole! SAM I don't think that's a sink hole. It looks like a snake hole. ROCKO Isn't that a little big for a snake hole? That's a good five feet across. NOAH Well if there's something living in that thing, I don't want to be here when it decides to get some air. THE BUGGY TIPS FURTHER INTO THE HOLE. SAM Damnit! Captain, get out of the buggy. THE CAPTAIN The white flag is out! Vrooooom... THE BUGGY SLIDES INTO THE HOLE, THE CAPTAIN AND ALL. NOAH Damnit! Captain! NOAH LEAPS TOWARD THE HOLE, BUT ISN'T FAST ENOUGH. SFX: CRASH. THE CAPTAIN (From deep inside the hole.) ...The yellow flag is out... NOAH Alright, Captain, hang on while we grab something to get you out of there! SAM We don't have anything, all of our stuff was in the buggy. NOAH Damnit. Captain! Can you climb out? (A beat.) Captain? SFX: GROUND RUMBLING THE GROUND SHAKES. ROCKO That can't be good... SAM What the hell? NOAH, STILL FACE OVER THE HOLE, LOOKS INSIDE. NOAH Well I'm not seeing any- Oh. Oh shit. ROCKO What- what is it? NOAH Um. Run. (Getting up.) NOW! RUN, NOW! SAM, ROCKO, AND NOAH HAUL ASS AWAY FROM THE HOLE. SFX: THE CAPTAIN MAKING NOISE. THE CAPTAIN yeeeeeEEEEEEEE- A MASSIVE SNAKE-LIKE DESERT LIZARD SHOOTS OUT OF THE HOLE, THE CAPTAIN RIDING ITS HEAD. THE CAPTAIN HAAAAAAAAW! THE TAIL COMES OUT, DISLODGING THE BUGGY AND SENDING IT FLYING INTO THE AIR. IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND ROLLS RIGHTSIDE UP. SAM The buggy! Get in the damn buggy! SFX: MURDER BY DEATH'S "ONE MORE NOTCH." SAM, ROCKO, AND NOAH JUMP IN THE BUGGY. SAM BARELY GETS IT TO START, AND THE THREE OF THEM BOLT TOWARD THE TOWN, THE GIANT LIZARD RIGHT ON THEIR HEELS. EXT. DREADKNOT - OUTSIDE THE DOCKING BAY - MEANWHILE JACQUE STANDS OUTSIDE, D'ARCY DRIVES A HOVERCRAFT FROM THE DOCKING BAY AND STOPS NEXT TO JACQUE. JACQUE Are you zure we zhould be tekking zhis? If zhey find out, zhey will leave us 'ere! D'ARCY Don't be zo worried, Jacque, we will meet zhem in zhe town. Tell zhem we were 'ungry and couldn't get to La Corbeille A Pain. JACQUE Not zhe zoundest excuze. D'ARCY Mon dieu, homme, juzt get in zhe car. JACQUE GETS IN THE HOVERCRAFT. JACQUE And what are we going to do onze we get to zhe town? D'ARCY I 'aven't zhought zhat far a'ead yet. Zhat is what makes it zo fun! We will go zight zeeing firzt, zhen we will find a 'ore 'ouze. D'ARCY DRIVES OFF TOWARD TOWN. EXT. DESERT - SAM'S BUGGY - MEANWHILE SAM We're almost there! THE CAPTAIN IS RIDING THE BACK OF THE LIZARD, DRESSED LIKE A HORSE JOCKEY, WHIPPING THE LIZARD. THE CAPTAIN (In the style of Howard Cosell) My Uncle's Black Glove is in first, Dusty Taco in second, David Carradine's Cocaine in third, and- Whow! What's this? The Young And The Breastless comes out of nowhere and takes fourth! He overtakes Carradine's Cocaine, punches through the Dusty Taco, and makes a mess of My Uncle's Black Glove! He's in first, he's pushed through the other horses, and can he do it? NOAH What the hell is he doing back there? THE CAPTAIN Can he do it?! SAM We're a hundred yards from the town! THE CAPTAIN CAN HE DO IT?! NOAH Oh shit, Sam, step on it! THE LIZARD IS A FEW FEET FROM THE BACK OF THE BUGGY. THE CAPTAIN He's gonna do it! THE LIZARD SLIPS AROUND THE BUGGY, SAM SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. THE LIZARD RIDES INTO TOWN. THE CAPTAIN HE DID IT! HE DID IT! The winner of the six thousand and forty-third annual Kentucky Derby is- POV: SAM, NOAH, ROCKO. SFX: A CANNON BLAST. THE LIZARD IS BLOWN IN HALF. ROCKO What?! SAM Where the hell did that come from?! NOAH I want one. SAM, NOAH, AND ROCKO RUN TOWARD TOWN. THEY RACE THROUGH THE ENTRANCE, WHICH HAS AN OVERHEAD SIGN THAT READS, "WELCOME TO BOULDER RUN." SFX: FADE END "ONE MORE NOTCH" EXT. BOULDER RUN - MAIN AISLE - CONTINUOUS SAM, ROCKO, AND NOAH APPROACH THE CAPTAIN, WHO IS STANDING IN THE LIQUIFIED ENTRAILS OF THE LIZARD. THE CAPTAIN (Stomping the entrails.) The secret to good wine is the thorough assimilation of fermented grapes and a pungent foot odor. Mmm, velvety. SAM Oh God, Captain, get out of that crap! OLD MAN (V.O.) Did I git it? I did! I git it good, too, mmhm! AN OLD MAN APPEARS FROM THE ROOF OF AN OLD WESTERN-STYLE TAVERN. OLD MAN Now don't none o' you touch that there critter, I done killed it by my lonesome! You just stay where you'n's is at, 'n Imma come down an' claim it fer Whiskey Rock Saloon! THE MAN DISAPPEARS. SAM What the hell was that about? NOAH I don't know, but if he's the one that took that shot, I'm taking that cannon. THE OLD MAN SCUTTLES OUT OF THE SALOON. OLD MAN Now which one 'o you was a'ridin' that snake into Boulder Run? THE CAPTAIN I'm your huckleberry... OLD MAN Well come on in here and grab yerself some whiskey, partner! That was one hell of a thing, hehe! NOAH/SAM/ROCKO NO! OLD MAN Eh? Well why can't the feller come in an' have a man's drink? I bet none o' you yeller jackwagons is got the nuts to do what this here feller just did! NOAH Idiocy aside, I'm getting a drink. NOAH ENTERS THE SALOON. SAM What the hell. After that, I need one too. Rocko, grab The Captain and come on. Maybe they have a nursery we can drop him in. ROCKO Are you sure he should be around children? SAM, ROCKO, AND THE CAPTAIN ENTER THE SALOON.
