Something from 2010, buffed up a little. For some reason, there is a copy of Redbook in the house. I don't know why. I don't want to know why. But I do know it's in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because I am going to read* all the stuff that's advertised on the cover and spoil it horribly for you. 10 easy ways to lose that belly Reality stars who did it show YOU how 1. Cut it off 2. Leave it on someone's doorstep 3. Gerrymander it out of your district 4. Dump the guy it's attached to 5. Donate it to a skinny guy who's going to play Santa Claus 6. Consider becoming a "reality star" and lose your appetite as a result 7. Get way ahead of it and on the other side of a big crowd, then duck down a random alleyway 8. Slip out the back, Jack 9. Just get on the bus, Gus 10. Bet it on a pair of deuces 7 things he's not telling you... ...because he knows you'd freak out 1. He doesn't actually love you, or even like you. Honestly, he thinks you're a terrible person. He just hangs out with you because you have Seinfeld on DVD 2. Those jeans don't make your butt look fat so much as fatter 3. Your butt isn't alone in that regard 4. You left the iron on . . . and the stove, and the toothbrush 5. The cat was drinking from your glass a minute ago 6. An asteroid is about to strike the Earth 7. He's tired of you freaking out over everything Cheap beauty treats Spoil yourself for $5, $2, free! This is a fabrication. Cheap beauties do not treat, they expect to be treated by guys with money to burn. Bethenny Frankel "I'm completely done with women being rewarded for bad behavior" She's also done with children being rewarded for bad behavior, Black Friday shoppers being rewarded for bad behavior, and people asking if her parents liked Henny Youngman. Also, there's a "heartwarming" bit involving her childhood, mother, or love life. $17,370 OF FREE STUFF! Enter to win, p.33 You know the candy and stickers and other junk you can get out of those quarter machines in grocery stores? Well, Redbook's procurement department got really hammered one night and . . . Magic low-cal meals So good & so good for you Now that the "Fireball diet" is out of fashion, the "Cone of coldness diet" is all the rage among celebrities. Also, gryphon burgers didn't take off the way they were expected to, so the magazine was slipped a twenty to hype them up. "Will we ever have sex again?" One couple's very intimate health drama Nope. *for negative values of "read"
Something from 2007, shortly after, or maybe towards the end of, reading the bookthing for a class. An unauthorized excerpt from an early draft of The Da Vinci Code Langdon forgot all about Fache at his side and simply stared at the corpse in horrified fascination. It was the most incredibly bizarre image he had ever seen in his entire life. Chapter 93 The late director of the Louvre was lying on his back, spread-eagle. But this, strangely enough, was not the weirdest part of the scene. Langdon had never, in his entire life, seen a dead person whose eyes were open wide. Always, always, dead people's eyes were shut. He started to approach the hologram of the dead man for a closer look, only to suddenly jerk backwards in response to the urgent shout that came out of nowhere, conveying information that would change his world forever. Chapter 94 "Sacre bleu!" Fache roared in anger. "Watch where you are walking, Monsieur Langdon! That is to say, kindly refrain from stepping on my feet!" He's upset with me, Langdon realized as hurriedly he backed away. In his intent anxiety to understand the deep symbolism of Sauniere's open eyes, he had accidentally trod on the police captain's toes, causing the man pain. He wondered if the policeman, who was now looking quite annoyed in an unmoved fashion, realized that foot, as in the part of the human body upon which Langdon had just stepped, came from the Upper Left Latin foete, from which also derived fetus, fete, and sacred feminine.
