Board Wars: A New Dope, Part 1

phantomofthenet · Nov 24, 2005

BOARD WARS
Chapter IV - A New Dope

It is a time of civil war. Rebel posters, striking from a
hidden board, have won their first MA case against the Evil TrekBBS Empire.
During the battle, rebel spies managed to steal the plans for the Empire's
new weapon, the Death Board, which packs enough firepower to
destroy entire BBS's. Now, Princess Tamar, finding herself with too much
info for once, races home to turn over the plans to the rebels before darkness
falls on the face of the galaxy...

(Somewhere over a vast, brown planet, a rebel ship flees, pursued by a huge space cruiser. Shots are being exchanged.)

Cassandra (in nearby news chopper): This is SkyOne News In The Sky, bringing you this live report of a chase in progress somewhere of the vast, brown planet of Nebraskooine...yes, yes, it looks as if the authorities are pursuing a rebel ship and...oh my goodness! It looks as if the rebel ship has sustained a hit on the main reactor. It appears the rebels will be destroyed for sure. We'll bring you live coverage of the destruction right after this commercial break!

(Inside the ship)
TMM3KO: Oh, dear! They've hit the main reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure!
JOCLAND2: Burp! Eek eek! Broompt!
TMM3KO: There'll be no escape for the Red-Headed Goddess this time!
JOCLAND2: Broompt! Burp Burp! Whistle!
TMM3KO: Yes, we're fucked! We'll be sold to makers of Spice Girls CD's, smashed into who knows what!

(Outside the ship)
Cassandra: Hello, this is your correspondent Cassandra in Sky News One...as you can see, the Imperial ship has wined and dined the rebel ship and is now about to attempt entrance...but first, this commercial for "Serenity", a really first class film, unlike this one...

(Inside the ship, we see Elwood gathering his men)
Elwood: Okay, listen here...we're gonna hold this corridor. No matter what, nothing gets through to the Princess. DO YOU GET ME!
Starship Troopers: WE GET YOU, SIR!
Elwood: Right. Buncha Eggheads...
Sgt. Rico: Elwood's Eggheads!
Troopers: Hooah!
(hatch explodes. Armored troops pour in)
Elwood: Oh fuck. Imperial Face Troopers! (gets hit, dies)
Face Trooper:
Cpl. Hudson: Game over man, game over!
(Elsewhere)
TMM3KO: Where the hell are you, JOCLAND2? Jeez, I turn away to take an oil leak and she disappears...
(smoke clears. We see Princess Tamar bending over JOCLAND2. Then smoke blows through, and then JOCLAND2 appears, alone)
TMM3KO: There you are! Now that you're here, we can now go to our impending death...
JOCLAND2: Whistle! Theme Titanic! BROOMPT!
TMM3KO: Lifeboats? We have lifeboats! And here I just filled out my will!
JOCLAND2: Burp! Kenny Roger's Coward Of The County Instrumental! Whistle!
TMM3KO: Oh, very well...but if we die SOMA69 better enjoy that "Boys of Malibu" DVD set...

(Outside the ship)
Cassandra: Hello, we're back again, and...wait! It looks as if several escape pods are leaving the rebel ship...oh! The Imperialists are shooting them down! What can you expect from a bunch of right wing warwankers...oops! I spoke too soon...it looks as if they didn't shoot one, and it's heading right down to the planet. Clearly an example of the inconsistency of fascist policies...

(Inside the ship, Darth Ader appears. He is wearing a suit of black armor and goes "hnh, hnh" as he wades through the carnage. He bends down and steals the Elvis button from the late Elwood's uniform. He kicks a nearby puppy, and slaps a subordinate for no good reason. Then he grabs the captain of the rebel ship and starts choking him. Clearly this is a very bad fellow.)

Darth Ader: Okay, here's the deal. We shot up your ship. Killed your men. Now you tell me where the secret plans are, and oh yeah, are you male or female?
Captain Trinity: Gurk! This is a diplomatic ship. Diplomatic ack mission! And none of your business!
Darth Ader: If this is a diplomatic ship, where's the ambassador?
Captain Trinity: Glick. She's not really an ambassador, she's a Companion. Urk!
Darth Ader: If she's a Companion, where's the satin curtains! The pillows! And how come I'm not on her client list?
Captain Trinity: Gurgh! (dies)
Darth Ader: Stupid robot hand. Okay, guys, find the Princess, Ambassador, Companion, whoever the hell she is. And bring me a beer!
Face Trooper: Yes sir. Right away, sir!

(Elsewhere)
Face Trooper 1: There she is! Aiee!
Face Trooper 2: OMG, she killed Face!
Face Trooper 3: The bitch! Stun her!
(Face Trooper 2 fires. Enterprise Season 1 DVD flies out, bonks Tamar on the head. She drops like a rock)
Face Trooper 3: High five! Tell Lord Ader that we have a prisoner!

(Moments later)
Princess Tamar: Ouch. That was low, even for you, Ader!
Darth Ader: Don't act so surprised, your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time.
Princess Tamar: I never go on mercy missions.
Darth Ader: Er...fine! Just tell me what you did with the plans?
Princess Tamar: What plans?
Darth Ader: The plans to the Death Board!
Princess Tamar: The Death Board?
Darth Ader: You know, our super-secret weapon we'll use to control the Galaxy!
Princess Tamar: What Galaxy?
Darth Ader: This Gala...wait. You're fucking with me, right?
Princess Tamar: Am I?
Darth Ader: Gah! Take her away!

(Down on the planet. We see nothing but endless prairie. TMM3KO is walking alone)
TMM3KO: This is all her fault. "Breep!" she says. "Broompt!" she says. Then she kicks me in the 'nads. Which would have hurt if I had 'nads. I'll show her...
(sees glint on the horizon)
TMM3KO: I'm saved! Help! Over here!

(Elsewhere on the planet, JOCLAND2 is rolling alone through a corn field. There is movement in the corn around her)
JOCLAND2: Scared Beep! Broompt!
(Then a small creature in a white hood jumps out in front of her)
Jerikowa: Illegal-ay aliensay! (shoots JOCLAND2)
JOCLAND2: BROOOOMPPPT! (falls over)
Jerikowa (triumphantly): Guysay! Caughtay anotheray oneay!
(More Jerikowas appear. They pick up JOCLAND2 and haul her to a huge grain harvester towing a dumpster. They toss her in and roll off)

(A little while later, the harvester stops at a dilapidated farmhouse. The Jerikowas herd various robots out of the dumpster, including TMM3KO and JOCLAND2)
TMM3KO: We're doomed.
JOCLAND2: Whine Burp Gurgle Bloop!
TMM3KO: Well, I still think trying to fuck our way out of this was a good idea. How was I to know I'd need a green card first?

(An older man and a younger man come out of the farm)
Mrs. Albert: Shep! Shep!
(Young man runs over, looks into barn)
Shep: What is it, Aunt Albert?
Mrs. Albert: Tell Albert that if he gets a droid not to shoot it like he did the last one...and make sure it does karaoke.
Shep: Well, it doesn't look like we have much of a choice, but I'll remind him. (goes back over to Uncle Albert, who is inspecting the robots)
Uncle Albert: Hey, you!
TMM3KO: Me?
Uncle Albert: I suppose you're programmed for gay porn and interior decorating.
TMM3KO: Well...
Uncle Albert: What I need is a droid that can understand the binary language of marijuana evaporators.
TMM3KO: Sir, during my experimentation days I used to program cocaine drying vats, very similar to your marijuana evaporators in most respects.
Uncle Albert: Do you do karaoke?
TMM3KO: I have a full range of MP3's and I specialize in Japanese -
Uncle Albert: Fine. Shut the fuck up. We'll take that Mexican bot, too.
Jerikowa: okayay youay gotay yourselfay anay illegalay!
Uncle Albert: Shep, I want you to have these two droids cleaned up by dinner.
Shep: But I was going to go down to Omaha to meet President Bush...
Uncle Albert: You can waste time with your good-for-nothing friends some other time. You've got work to do.
Shep: Fine. (to robots) come on.
(JOCLAND2 whimpers as TMM3KO and a robot wearing a sombrero head off. Then, suddenly, Sombrero Bot explodes.)
Shep: Uncle Albert! This bot has a bad leaf blower! Look!
Uncle Albert: Hey! What the fuck are you trying to push on us?
Jerikowa: ixnay onay theay angeray, heyay?
TMM3KO: Sir, that little one there has a primo collection of Jewel Staite pictures in its database.
Shep: Uncle Albert! How about that one? (Points at JOCLAND2)
Uncle Albert: Gimme that one before I step on your dick and use your robe for toilet paper.
Jerikowa: Fineay!
TMM3KO (To JOCLAND2): Why I stick my dick out for you is beyond my comprehension.
JOCLAND2:

(later)
TMM3KO: This oil massage is going to feel so good.
Shep: I'm not giving you an oil massage.
TMM3KO: Would you give me a foot massage?
Shep: No. (To JOCLAND2) Looks you got something stuck in your teeth, little one...
Tamar Hologram: Help me Obi-Wan Spaceturkey, you're my only hope.
Shep: Whoa, who's that? She's hot?
Tamar Hologram: Help me Obi-Wan Spaceturkey, you're my only hope.
TMM3KO: Beats the hell out of me.
JOCLAND2: Broompt! Beep Beep! Thbbbpt!
Tamar Hologram: Help me Obi-Wan Spaceturkey, you're my only hope.
TMM3KO: My counterpart says she's the property of Been Spaceturkey, a resident of these parts. Personally, I think she's fucked in the head.
Tamar Hologram: Help me Obi-Wan Spaceturkey, you're my only hope.
JOCLAND2: THPT! BROOMPT!
TMM3KO: She also says if you remove this ball and chain from her leg, she might be able to play the whole recording.
Shep: Huh? Oh. Fine. (takes off chain. Recording disappears) Hey! Bring back that hologram?
JOCLAND2: Broompt?
TMM3KO: You know damn well what hologram.
Mrs. Albert: Shep! Time for din-din!
Shep: I have to go. I'll be back. See what you can do about getting that hologram back...and those Jewel pics. (leaves)
JOCLAND2: Burp!
TMM3KO: No, I don't think he's going to rep you.
JOCLAND2: Broompt?
TMM3KO: No, I won't rep you either.

(TO BE CONTINUED)