Board Wars: A New Dope, Part II

(At Dinner)

(Shep throws coins into mayonnaise jar. Albert scowls. Shep throws another coin in. Albert scowls, but gestures at Mrs. Albert, who only then brings Shep his food)

Uncle Albert: Did you get those droids cleaned up?
Shep: Yeah, but the little one seems to be a little mixed up. Claims to be the property of an Obig-Wang Spaceturkey...
Uncle Albert:
Mrs. Albert:
Shep: I wonder if the droid means Been Spaceturkey...
Uncle Albert: That hippie's just a crazy old...er, hippie. Tomorrow you can take the droid down to Microsoft and have Windows 2258 installed. It won't remember anything after that. That'll be the end of it. I saw the droid first and it's mine, all mine!
Shep: 'kay. In fact, I think the droids are going to work out fine. I was thinking about our agreement...you know, I want to transmit my application to Preacher School this year.
Uncle Albert: What? You mean before the harvest?
Mrs. Albert: Mmmm...harvest...
Shep: Yes, I -
Uncle Albert: Harvest is when I get to beat you the most!
Shep: But -
Uncle Albert: It's only one more season, and this year I won't break any bones.
Shep: Yeah, that's what you said when Nautica and Evenflow escaped...(gets up)
Mrs. Albert: Where are you going? I bringed pie?
Shep: Guess I'm going nowhere. And save me some pie. (leaves)
Mrs. Albert: Albert, you can't keep him here forever. Most of his friends are gone, and sooner or later he'll run out of broken bones.
Uncle Albert: Meh...I'll make it up to him.
Mrs. Albert: He'll probably turn on you...he's got too much of his father in him.
Uncle Albert:

(Outside, Shep stands on a hill, watching two suns set on the hazy horizon. Music swells orgasmically, then Shep shakes his head, blinks his eyes. There's only one sun on a far less hazy horizon now)
Shep: Man, what's she putting in those brownies?

(Inside the garage, Shep comes in, looks around, hits a remote. TMM3KO appears, dancing the macarena)
Shep: What were you doing back there?
TMM3KO (wipes hands with Kleenex): Er, nothing sir...it's not my fault sir, I tried to stop her, but she showed that Lindsey Lohan hologram and distracted me.
Shep: Oh no! (runs outside. Brings out two Coke bottles tied together, scans the horizon) She's nowhere in sight. Blast!
TMM3KO: She's a very stubborn little robot!
Shep: I was talking about the hologram...but no, don't see the droid either. Man, if Uncle Albert finds out about this he's gonna go for sure.
TMM3KO: Can't we go after her? I missed the cucumber part...
Shep: Nothing we can do until the morning. That little droid is going to get my butt kicked.
TMM3KO: She excels at that, sir.

(The next morning)
Uncle Albert: Where's that little freeloader who was foisted on us by his uncaring parents?
Mrs. Albert: He took the truck and left this morning. Said he had some business in town.
Uncle Albert: That damned Bush thing...well, he'd better get that north forty ganja planted or there'll be hell to pay when the Colombians get here...

(elsewhere, Shep and TMM3KO are racing along in a beat up old Chevy pickup. They find JOCLAND2 by the side of the road, hitchiking)
Shep: Hey! Where do you think YOU'RE going?
JOCLAND2: Broompt!
Shep: Damn! And what have you been eating!
TMM3KO (to JOCLAND2): Master Shep is your...er, master now, not that Whedon fellow! I wouldn't blame him if he tied you up and beat you for trying to escape. In fact, I wouldn't blame him if he made me watch!
Shep: No, that's all right, but we'd better -
(clatter comes from surrounding hemp fields)
TMM3KO:
Shep: Trollpeople! Or worse. (grabs shotgun from truck) They're into the hemp again. Let's check it out.
(Climbs onto small manure heap, peers over it. Through the coke bottles Shep sees a big furry animal grazing on the hemp)
Shep: Well, there's a liberal pony down there, but I don't see any...
(Trollperson leaps up)
Trollperson: Firefly sux! Liberals suck! Martha Stewart sleeps with donkeys!
(Trollperson takes swing at Shep, who dodges. TMM3KO tumbles down the manure heap with a scream. Trollperson waves big Lord of the Rings replica sword triumphantly)
Trollperson: hrr hrr hrr!
(Moments later, more Trollpeople are trying to take the tires off the truck. Shep is unconscious nearby. JOCLAND2 is hiding in the hemp, watching but not getting involved, in true New York droid fashion)
Voice from the hemp: BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! MODERATOR! BOOGA WOOGA!
Trollpeople: (flee)
(Mysterious figure in robes appears out of the hemp. Bends over Shep. Pats him down for money.)
JOCLAND2: Broompt! Beep beep! Ka-Ching?
(Man throws back hood. It's Been Spaceturkey)
Spaceturkey: No, he hasn't got his wallet. Looks like he'll be all right, though.
Shep (wakes up, peers up at Spaceturkey): Been! Been Kenobi!
Spaceturkey: Looks like you inhaled a bit too deeply, my young friend. (helps Shep up) The Ganja Wastes are not to be breathed lightly. What are you doing out here?
Shep: This little droid. Tried to get away. Has some great porn stored away, but she claims to belong to someone named Obig-Wang Spaceturkey. Is he a relative of yours?
Spaceturkey: OBIG-Wang Spaceturkey! That's a name I've not heard in a long time...a long time...except for that night in Bangkok...
Shep: Do you know him?
Spaceturkey: Of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obig-Wang Spaceturkey since...well, I can't exactly remember, but I'm sure somebody will call me that again once I get hold of some Viagra. (looks around) We should go. Trollpeople are easily banned, but they'll be back, and in greater numbers.
JOCLAND2: BROOMPT! Tweedle-dee! Swish!
Shep: TMM3KO!
(They find TMM3KO laying in manure. One of his middle fingers has been broken off)
Shep: Are you all right?
TMM3KO: I'm covered in shit, and now I can't people anymore. (turns on Marcellus Wallace voice) So I'm pretty fucking far from all right.
Spaceturkey: Come on, let's get him on his feet, they'll be coming back...

(at Spaceturkey's house. Shep has repaired TMM3KO's finger and has hosed him off)
TMM3KO: Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to get off for a while.
Shep: Uh, sure...(looks away quickly. Thankfully, the camera does as well) You fought in the Dual Wars?
Spaceturkey: Oh yes. I was a Modi Knight the same as your father. (rummages through trunk) Here. (hands Shep a bong)
Shep: Huh?
Spaceturkey: That was you father's. He wanted you to have it when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He was afraid you'd smoke all his crop like your father did. (rummages some more) Your father wanted you to have this too.
Shep: What is it?
Spaceturkey: Your father's rep saber. Not as clumsy or as random as a ban. It was the weapon of a Modi Knight. An elegant weapon, of a more civilized age.
Shep: How did my father die?
Spaceturkey: Well, he murdered your mother, and then fought me, and I cut off his legs and arms and left him to die next to a lava pit, where I preached at him as he burst into flames and screamed...
Shep:
Spaceturkey: seriously, a young Modi named Darth Ader, who was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil, betrayed and murder your father. Yes, that's the ticket. Anyway, he was a good friend. And a cunning linguist.
Shep: Ader, or my dad.
Spaceturkey: Er...both! (Turns quickly to JOCLAND2) Now let's see that hologram.
Hologram Tamar (with Godfather theme in the background): General Spaceturkey. Years ago my father did you a service during the Dual Wars. Now it's time for you to repay that service. I've stashed the plans to the Empire's new Battle Board inside this droid. You must get this droid to planet GrayRoom and get the plans to my dad. He'll know how to unzip 'em. This is our most desperate dangerous and icky fight ever. Help me Obig-Wang Spaceturkey. You're my only hope.
Shep:
Spaceturkey: You must learn the ways of the Forge, Shep, if you're to come with me to GrayRoom.
Shep: I'm not going to GrayRoom. I'm in enough trouble as it is!
Spaceturkey: (waves hand) You must do what you think is best. come with me to GrayRoom
Shep: Look, I can't get involved. I don't like the Empire. I might even hate it, maybe. But I've got work to do, and it's such a long way from here, and voting is useless, and really it's all pointless...
Spaceturkey: That's your uncle talking. (waves hand again) Come with me to Grayroom
Shep: Look, I can take you as far as the phone booth. You can call a cab there.
Spaceturkey: Of course.

(TO BE CONTINUED)