My niece, Grace - my wife's sister's daughter - informed us she was gay in her early 20s a few years ago. Cool, fine, we love you, Grace (and her hot Indian partner!). Now a few years later, she tells us she feels more like she wants to be gender-neutral, and now prefers us to use the third-person pronoun "them, they, etc." They've changed their name to the more neutral "Grayson." All this is fine with my wife and I, and we're full of support for Grayson. Anyway, our confusion comes in what to call Grayson in terms of familial relation. "Niece" is no longer appropriate. Their parents can get away with "offspring" or "Child." No idea what their brother will refer to them as. "My sister-in-law's gender-fluid offspring" is a bit of a mouthful. @Nova ? Anyone?
If she's still with the Indian partner, you could call Grayson your cousin, which still has that flexibility in Indian English, though it lost it a while back (as a primary meaning for individual relatives) in BE and AE.
I know this! Happened stumble across this word a few days ago and not only was I surprised to learn that there was such a term, but that it's old. The word you're looking for is "nibling."
I wonder how it is that some of our words for relatives (aunt/uncle, niece/nephew) are exclusively gendered, some (mother/father/parent, sister/brother/sibling) have gendered and neutral forms, and some (cousin) have no gendered forms at all. Evolving from different root languages, maybe? Except that the French (mon cousin/ma cousine) is gendered ...
Well, every noun is gendered in French, which, I guess, nobody thought would be a problem a thousand or so years ago.
An anecdote from personal experience. When I spent that week with my son in the hospital, I was read by all personnel as his mother - my wife is deeply offended by the idea that I'm seeking to or willing to usurp her title so I'm conditioned to avoid letting that pass from my lips (although I find it perfectly fine to allow others to assume it) so when a Doc or someone would meet me they might say "are you the mom?" and I'd say "Yes he's my son" or someone might ask my relationship to the patient and rather than saying "I'm his mom" I'd say "he's my son" Point being, reverse the direction of the comment. Rather than saying of Grayson "They're my niece" say "I'm their uncle" This won't get you out of EVERY jam but it will fit most conversations. Also, maybe check with them - possibly they've encountered this question before.
Thank you, Tammy, that can work too. Grayson's also new at this. It's a recent evolution in the last few years, and we haven't been to visit since they started on this road.
Came to say what Nova said about asking them what they prefer. When in doubt, ask. People can tell the difference between an uninformed person who is trying and a jerk that isn't.
If we ever manage to get down there again, I figure I'll start with a cheerful "Hi, Nibling" (GREAT word!) and give them a huge hug, and go from there. I really love that kid, so, whatever they want. (Damn, tho, third person pronouns sound so impersonal. Oh well, I'll get used to it.)
There's a truism among trans activists (used as a term for vocal, more public, trans folks) that Trans people are not obliged to be your teacher. One is not entitled to say, however gently, "explain it to me" because not all of us want to engage in an open discussion of what can be a very personal, even frightening, thing. I do not dispute that principle BUT as one who relishes the opportunity to spread understanding I'm always looking for an open door to educate however I had to teach myself the difference between a hostile challenge from someone who really has no intention of changing their view and someone who is genuinely curious and well intentioned and WANTS to get it right. That instinct seldom fails me now. I have a very open heart to those who want to get it right even when they fumble it, and exactly ZERO tolerance for assholes who are doing this "You can't make me respect you" shit (Hiya Paladin)
Oh, I should've made it clear that I meant asking about which pronouns/words to use (which I thought was considered kosher to do...? Or maybe that's a Tumblr only thing?) But yeah, you're right, it's not any marginalized person's job to teach others how to treat them as people.
Oh you were right, I was just expanding on the thought. Yes, when in doubt, ask what's preferred and roll with that.
Latest word from my wife's sister is that our nibling has decided to start taking testosterone to be as gender-neutral as possible. "Sometimes I feel like a boy, sometimes like a girl." So they're aiming for somewhere in between, I guess. Their default appearance has always been 'really pretty, with a slender girlish figure.' What will testosterone do, add muscle? Their mother says "Fine, will a beard make you feel gender neutral?" Their mother isn't handling the whole thing as well as she could be.
only really adds muscle if she works for it. Just makes it easier to accumulate. At the right dosage you get facial (and sometimes other) hair, a somewhat lower voice(the reverse is not true for M2F - were stuck with the vocal cords we've got barring surgery, ditto for the beard - it never goes away on it's own no matter the HRT) But, of course, they can shave any hair that doesn't give them peace - but once they have the growth they're stuck with it barring laser/electrolysis, so I hope consideration is being given to that. I confess, I'm not really familiar with what lessens dysphoria for Enbys or gender-neutral folks, I have as much trouble "groking" them as my cis friends have understanding what it feels like to be trans. Looking in from the outside, I would assume that adding a permanent gendered physical trait isn't very non-binary but (I harbor a seldom stated hypothesis that some people are genuinely Enby but some of them are actually trans - or cis - and just having more trouble working through what their brain is telling them than most)
@Forbin, where would you say your sister-in-law is right now as far as intellectually (not emotionally) getting what her child needs from her? I think it's not unusual, nor is it surprising or even bad, for parents to have trouble emotionally dealing with a child's transition. It can feel like a rejection in various ways -- there's the "Grace is the name I gave you, and you're telling me you don't want it anymore" thing, but also, a mom who's into traditional femininity may feel like her female-born child's desire to move away from femininity is a rejection of her. ("I don't want to be like you, Mom.") A lot of parents also go through kind of a grieving process for the specific visions they may have had of their child's future (her daughter as the beautiful bride in a long white gown, and so on). Do you think your sister-in-law would consider seeing a queer-friendly therapist, or going to a parents' support group, to help her deal with her own responses? There are a lot of places she could go to receive toxic validation ("you have to put your foot down, she's your daughter and that's that"), but a therapist or support group could help her work through her own feelings, recognizing that they're completely understandable human reactions, while also pushing her to be the mom that Grayson needs her to be right now.
okay I'm at a loss here as to what a "gender neutral" appearance is. Many young men have a thin, girlish figure (or an obese girlish figure) these days unless they do a lot of hard physical labor or engage in a lot of athletic endeavors or are military or whatever. As already brought up by Nova, testosterone without the exercise to go along with it will won't cut it, and IMHO could mess up her body eventually. To recap is her partner gender neutral appearing? How does her partner feel about drastic changes to your niece's appearance? I would think these are the most important things for your niece to consider. Side note Artemus and Jedidiah are gender-neutral names and pretty kick-ass too!
We're not close enough with her to have that deep a discussion, not even my wife is. She and her husband are definitely on the left of the political spectrum, and her husband is about as woke and "knee-jerk liberal" as they come, so I expect he's capable of being a guiding force in the situation. My S-i-L's reaction probably has a lot to due with being raised strict Roman-Catholic by 2nd gen traditional Italian parents. Another factor is her son, who literally burned his brain out experimenting with drugs in his teens, and still can't decide what to do with his life in his late 20s, and worries that life is a matrix-like construct in an alien computer so what does anything matter? (yup, really). She heart-breakingly lamented the total loss of any kind of traditional grandma role and picture-postcard holiday dinners thing. But don't think she's being an "all about me" kinda mom about it. She loves and supports them both as best she can.
Speaking as someone well outside of that community, most of the anti-enby information I've ever come across was often from TERFs, racists, homophobes or any combination of the three. They were particularly dogwhistle-y on Tumblr and a lotta trans friends had to point them out to me. That shit is far more insidious there than one would think, far more than any right wing QAnon stuff. I eventually got in the habit of scoping out the blogs of anyone trying to downplay enbys (well, pretty much everything that hinted at "not all aces/enbys/(insert other marginalized queer group here) are gay!" ) and far more often than not, it came from TERFs or "exclus" as they call themselves. If any neutral or not bigoted evidence exists of any gender-fluid person not being what they claim to be, I haven't found evidence of it personally nor am I in any position to gatekeep over who is or isn't anyway. But the least I can do is to make sure I'm not accidentally spreading misinformation that could get people hurt.
