Grammarforge assemble now!

Is this correct?

I’ve presented in front of wildly varying audiences: community groups, political groups, and city councils in America; and before councils of elders, Governors and Ministers in Afghanistan.

Ummm....is what correct? I don't see any link or example.

I believe it is, but will listen to what Mr. Phaser Beam has to say if he's willing to state his case.

Oh, you should probably have a comma after the and that is before ministers.

Oh, I see...he "presented" what exactly?

I think it should read "Grammarforge, assemble now!" or else "Grammarforge assemble, now!"

I would use "widely" instead of "wildly" to describe how varying those groups are.

The sentence is incorrect after America. There should be a comma there instead of a semi-colon. There should be a comma after governors, and governors & ministers shouldn't be capitalized.

Am I correct?


Where's garamet &/or Asyncritus?

I disagree with MPB regarding the semi-colon. The Afghanistan clause is distinct from the America clause, and should not be seen as an element of the latter, which is what a comma would signify.

To have "in front of" and "before" is redundant. For that matter, so is "presented before." How else can you present?

I'd eliminate the colon because you essentially have two items (groups in America, groups in Afghanistan) that you subsequently list.

My suggestion:

Paladin makes a good point. Even if it were grammatically correct, it's fucking awkward.

Ah well, how about the whole thing, that was the only sentence I was really worried about but maybe y'all got some good suggestions.

This is for a Community Relations and position with Wizards of the Coast (Magic the Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, etc). They seem very informal both in person (I was in the offices training their ETC yesterday) and with the job description (mentioning no suits needed, just brains), so I went at the 'cover letter' paragraph more informal than normal as well.

When the elevator door opened on the 4th floor of the Wizards building I knew that it was a cool place. After just a 45 minute training session with Angela Wright at the reception desk I knew that I wanted to work there. I have extensive Community Relations experience ranging across continents and industries. I’ve setup and run booths (called Mod Demos in the military) for VIPs such as Thai Generals and Executives of Fortune 500 companies. In the civilian world I’ve done the same at farmers markets and community events across Seattle. I've presented to widely varying audiences, from community and political groups, and city councils in America to councils of elders, governors, and ministers in Afghanistan. In the social media realm I helped establish and run the Facebook page for a 501c3 that is an order of magnitude larger than other peer organizations. Through well written blog comments and guest posts I was invited to join the staff of the Seattle Transit Blog (winner of the 2012 Muni Award for Excellence in Government Reporting) as a writer. An avid table top gamer, my wife and I play at least once a week and once a month or more we’ll have larger game nights with our friends. I would love the opportunity to combine one of my favorite hobbies with what I love to do for work: going out, meeting new people and getting them as excited as I am.

Maybe it's the line of work, but "presented" seems like a weak/awkward verb to me. "Presented" what?

Re: Grammarforge, assemble now!

Pretty much concur with this^.

Incorrect. At the very least you need parallel construction in a list. Cutting the word "before" would help some, but it's still awkward and clunky.

It's not bad as is. But here are my thoughts on the paragraph...

I like it. But what did you see that made it cool? Is it the place itself or the company that's cool? And is "cool" a little too hip and informal?

Suggest:

Is the time or place really important? And what is the exact position?

Suggest:

Good. Might consider changing "continents and industries" to "continents, societies, and industries." Also, this is a topic sentence, so new paragraph.

Play up your military record and contrast with the following point about the civilian world. Also, what kinds of booths? Is there any kind of community relations buzzword for these kinds of booths?

Suggest:

Suggest:

This is sort of a point and sort of a restatement of the topic sentence. It's strong, so I'd conclude the paragraph with it.

Is it truly an order of magnitude (factor of TEN) bigger than others' pages? And the page is not bigger than other organizations; it's bigger than THE PAGES of other organizations. Also, "helped" is kinda weak. Suggest:

Did you accept the invitation? (A little Googling indicates you did.) The award is nice, but I'd omit unless you were instrumental. Suggest:

"An...gamer" is singular; "my wife and I" is plural. If you have a favorite one made by Wizards, work it in. Also, you're on a new topic (no longer talking about community relations experience.), so may need a bridge sentence. Suggest:

Good, some streamlining:

Here's what I suggest:

1) The intransitive use of "present" is extremely rare and is normally used AFAIK only in a medical context. Unless you are in a setting where particular usage makes it acceptable, "present" should be used transitively.

2) The semi-colon is "correct," but very clumsy. Any sentence that requires using a semi-colon where there would normally be a comma, to set apart whole clauses as opposed to elements in a series, is necessarily clumsy. If that has to be done, try to find a better way of putting it. Paladin's phrasing is much easier to understand.

3) I believe that "governors" and "ministers" should take capital letters only as part of a title: "I spoke to Governor Schnuckerbackle about the matter." But the capital letter in a construction like "I've spoken to governors" seems very strange.

4) English usage allows the inclusion or exclusion of a comma before the last element of a series. But to include it the first time, and exclude it the second time, is a mixing of styles that, while not technically incorrect, is very inelegant.

I agree with all of Paladin's suggestions on the paragraph, but would quibble just a bit with this. The original sentence does not state or imply that the Facebook page is what is bigger, but that the 501c3 (whatever that is; I am assuming your intended recipients know, so that it doesn't have to be explained) is an organization and thus bigger than other peer organizations. Because of that, the "complex, heavily-visited" qualifiers for the Facebook page may or may not be correct; only you can say. If the Facebook page is not particularly bigger or more complex than other Facebook pages, then it might be better to say: "I was instrumental in establishing and maintaining a Facebook page for a mammoth 501c3."

Only had to tweak it a little, that was awesome. Thanks!

As soon as I saw the dragon and the suit of armor in the reception area, I knew Wizards was the lively and creative environment I had been looking for. By the time I had completed the training session with Angela Wright at the front desk, witnessing some of the day to day operations, my first impression was confirmed: I wanted to do Outreach at Wizards.

I have extensive community relations experience that spans continents, societies, and industries. During my service in the U.S. Army, I regularly set up and ran booths (called Mod Demos) for VIPs ranging from Thai generals to Fortune 500 executives. In the civilian world, I've operated similar outreach booths at farmers' markets and at community events in Seattle. I was instrumental in establishing and maintaining a complex, heavily-visited Facebook page for a 501c3 organization. As a writer for the Seattle Transit Blog, I kept the public informed about local transportation and public transit issues. I've presented to widely varying audiences, from community and political groups, and city councils in America to councils of elders, governors, and ministers in Afghanistan.

A position in community relations at Wizards would be a wonderful convergence of my experience and avocation. I'm an avid table-top gamer playing weekly with my wife and frequently hosting game nights with friends—we love The Great Dalmuti!. I would welcome the opportunity to join an exciting and imaginative company and apply my community relations experience meeting others and sharing my enthusiasm for gaming with them.

Out here they use words weird. Presented as a verb, ask being a noun. I'm assuming it's due to the techiness of the area.

They also say roof like ruff.

And in the Deep South, I've heard educated people use double negatives and other such constructions. That does not make them correct.

It's like "using words weird." That may be how some people say it, but "weird" is an adjective, not an adverb...

When in Rome...

burn it down?

And while we might say 'roof' closer to 'ruff', at least we as a whole don't say 'creek' like 'crick' or 'Washington' like 'Warshington'

He don't look at me, that's not a Southern thing. Warsh is def a Philly thing. I think crick is Appalachian.

Things people up here laugh at (my accident gets worse and worse the more I drink. Sober most people can tell I'm not from round here but usually can't pin point it):

Pen and Pin, Tin and Ten, etc pronounced the same.
Oil pronounced more like Ole than Oy'El.
Y'all.
Double negatives.
And especially Double Modals.

Ol' or olé?

Au lait.

As in Ole Miss.

You might want to choose an exclaimation point or a period after "The Great Dalmuti" but not both.

Well of course. You're not supposed to drive when you drink!

"Present" used intransitively doesn't offend my ears; it's used so commonly this way that only would notice it.

I really hate nouns being turned into verbs, e.g., "We are efforting that issue right now."