Why Professor Indiana Jones Was Hated By His Colleagues Regarding The Incident With The Ark Of The Covenant Aug. 27, 1936 Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones Marshall College School of Archaeology 1271 Slocombe Rd., Bedford, CT 10508 Dear Dr. Jones, We are proud to say that the editorial board of the Marshall College Archaeological Review has accepted your submission for publication in our fall issue. However, we do have a few notes for your draft before we move forward. The Title Though your findings are certainly incredible and we understand your enthusiasm, we must say that the title "God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me" simply doesn't fit our journal's aesthetic. I am only more distressed by the title when I read the first sentence of your abstract, which states "At least I think that's what happened. Really, I just closed my eyes for a while, and when I opened them, all the Nazis had melted." As men of science, it is our academic duty to at least entertain the notion that there was a corrosive substance inside the Ark of the Covenant that killed them. Or perhaps there was some sort of violent squabble that erupted while you and Miss Ravenwood had your eyes shut. Or anything, really. Any explanation beyond "God did it" should, at the very least, be mentioned. This segues nicely into my next concern. Your Methods While your conclusions are fascinating, there are certain aspects of your journey that for the sake of my reputation (to say nothing of yours) should probably be downplayed. For example, there is the following passage: "I ran past a bunch of traps that were rigged to fire poisoned darts at me if I stepped in the wrong place. Luckily, I'm very nimble, and I made it to the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol. I swapped it with a bag of sand, but I must have gotten the weight wrong, because I activated another trap that collapsed the entire cave!" I find this highly distressing to read, as an archaeologist. It is true that the golden monkey statue is very swell, as the kids say, but a millennia-old tomb full of functioning traps isn't just an archaeological treasure; it's a technological marvel. I can't even begin to explain how much we could have learned from this site if you had not exploded it. And this is to say nothing of your conflict with the German army. As I'm sure you are aware, the political climate in Europe is somewhat volatile right now. Any reference to sneaking aboard a German submarine or threatening their soldiers with a rocket launcher must be removed from the final, published draft. This is not negotiable. Finally ... Your Citations For future reference, the Marshall College Archaeological Review does not consider "All my evidence was confiscated by the government" to be an acceptable citation. Surely you have some shred of proof of your findings? We are eager to see the money invested in your research pay off. However, we cannot publish an article that alleges concrete proof of the existence of a Judeo-Christian God without a single shred of evidence. If you can make these changes, we would be happy to move forward with your article. Yours, ----------------
