"My Blood Runs Cold" -- Extended Preview

Check it out here.

Criticism is welcome, if anyone has any to offer. I've noticed a couple things in the first chapter that need to be fixed, but I'm sure others will notice more.

You lost me with this....

Which stunk of arrogance and sets up the reader with unreasonable expectations.

Then there was this statement one paragraph into the intro....

. Nah, begging is not my thing, especially when it was done not once but twice in the intro. You aren't doing the reader a favour by inviting them to pay for the fulfillment of your promises. Your work should stand on it's own merit and generate funds through sales and recommendations. If you really must beg for money then it's should be a subtle afterthought rather than an overt sledgehammer request that is virtually one of the first things someone reads when looking at your linked page. It is particularly annoying when the begging is done in the context of putting food on your table. I, like you, don't receive a salary. Ever since I started operating on a consultancy basis all the cases I deal with are my only means of earning. If the work isn't done for the client then I don't get paid. How far do you think I'd get if I started telling clients to pay me for work I hadn't even done yet? Consequently I was not minded to read the rest. I may go back and do so at a later date, but, as a potential reader and customer, the whole begging thing just put a sour taste in my mouth and had uncomfortable connotations of desperation.

f you really must beg, why not run a Kickstarter page instead?

I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Double-post.

Ok, I'll take the time to read it later then.

Bump.

Actually, in light of the quality of the story (that you haven't yet read) those expectations actually aren't unreasonable.

It is not for you to determine the quality of your story. That is the purview of the reader. That is why I highlighted the mistake in your intro, it suggested a lofty appreciation of one's own efforts. Very Dayton-esque.

I read the first chapter. It didn't excite me. In fact I thought it was boring. The only redeeming quality was the fact that you use ethnic minorities in your story. Otherwise the first chapter just seemed like a rambling mess of descriptions and silly language designed to tell us with a sledgehammer that the protagonist is a big bad cowboy type. Nothing really seemed to happen and the great climax to the first chapter was the fact that it hard started raining. I also got the impression that it's going to turn out to be a riff on the likes of Firefly and be some sort of sci-fi space western or near future story. There were also gratuitous shoehorn moments, like your deliberate inclusion of vaping and the precious description of the gun (complete with model number) that just took me out of the paragraphs I was reading and were a distraction.

I have yet to have time to go back and read the rest. Maybe it's gets better.

Also, why are you trying to troll me in the workshop?

Yes, it certainly is.

If I didn't appreciate my own efforts, I hardly see why I would continue to extend them.

Then you're dismissed.

And you don't get to use phrases like "stunk of arrogance" and "unreasonable expectations" and then bitch about trolling in the worshop. You don't get to do that. Ever.

I'd say that such terms in a review of the work are allowable. You asked for criticism, you don't get to mandate that it be positive. I haven't read it yet, but I would be lying if I said that Chup's review didn't sound about right for what I have read of your work. This, in particular:

Your work in the Red Room doesn't stray far from your more polished efforts. Often blunt, usually over the top, and unfortunately, not very interesting, because the story rarely develops beyond the introduction. That's my honest opinion, not something derived from our interactions here or elsewhere. If there is an audience for that, good for you. But an honest critique of your work isn't always going to be a pat on the back.

If you want some over the top story elements, I recommend introducing them later, rather than hitting the reader with a sledge hammer right at the start. This isn't a short story. You have time for more subtlety. Set the trap, but spring it later.

Exactly. I genuinely have no interest in degrading Castle's work for shits and giggles. Like I say, I haven't read all of this one yet, although I have read stuff in toto that he's posted here before. But I'm not going to blow smoke up someone's arse because they have decided on a profession for themselves and decided they are good at it without putting the proof in the pudding. I am lead to believe that this thread wasn't started for constructive feedback, but was instead designed to garner approval and compliments.

While science fiction novels are not hugely my things, I can still read, and have read, the efforts of garamet and Storm on here and know that they have, and the very minimum, workable skills as writers, irrespective of whether their end product is my preferred genre. I don't see the same from Castle's stuff. I'm sorry. I think Castle is about my age and I look at what little he has achieved as a writer and genuinely wonder whether or not it is time for him to perhaps accept that he's not what he thinks he is.

In fact, he might be better placed doing something in the vaping industry since this is something he clearly has an interest in (for the moment anyhow).

Is that a working title or the permanent one?

'cause it makes me think of a J. Geils song.

Which has been stuck in my head all week because of this thread.

Now see, I hold the opposite view. I find this snippet of the novel quite engaging and well-written. It definitely establishes mood and setting, gives a good bit of characterization to the protagonist, sets up relationships, and introduces the reader to this particular world. Is it Grapes of Wrath level literature? No, of course not. But it's not aiming at that, either.

I think the story is a great start. If this were a published book, I'd buy it.

Some points to consider (from an Internet stranger's viewpoint, take it as you will):

As someone who's lived in New England my whole life, I definitely feel like I'm translating the internal dialogue of an 1870's cowpoke as I read it. I would recommend, perhaps, easing up on the "comin'" and "standin'" and "thinkin'" while describing what the character sees or is doing. Don't eliminate the flavor entirely (I like the character's overall rancher attitude and mannerisms), just dial it down a hair.

Some parts were a little confusing to me. For example:

Hard to determine what this sentence is trying to say. I'm guessing that the sickness was like a government-created disease that was dormant and suddenly woke up.


Also, I'd recommend removing the unnecessary parts of the story. For example:

Doesn't really matter if his home is north, south, east or west. He's walking home.

Regardless of when the rain arrives, the fact that it's coming is what's important.


All nitpicks aside, I think you should definitely flesh it out and make it a novel. I think it's a good enough story to sell.

Thank you, that's what I was looking for: constructive criticism.

In my experience, the best response to non-constructive criticism is:

It's the permanent title. All the books in the Rock Dylan series (yep, it's the first in a planned series) will have first-person titles. Who's J. Geils?

I asked for constructive criticism. Those terms aren't in any way constructive, are they.

Ohhhh! Yeah, I knew about that song, just didn't know the name of the band. The title of the book had nothing to do with that song, though.

@John Castle , you are now claiming elsewhere that this is no longer true.

Are you trolling in the Workshop?

That's unlikely.

So are you now saying you did beg for money via PayPal in your original blog post?

What does that have to do with the story you read?

Did you or did you not originally beg for money in your original blog post?

That's way off topic. Try to stick to the topic of the thread, if you don't mind, thanks so much.

It is the topic of the thread. You posted a link with your draft story, which included paragraphs begging for money.

Do you now deny this?

Yes or no?

There are no such paragraphs there. I really have no idea what you're talking about, and I do wish you'd confine yourself to discussion of the topic of this thread.