So I'm getting married? I don't know what to do with my name. If it were any other name (i.e., not Greek) I would definitely keep my name. But I *like* his name a lot more than mine. I just feel the need to keep mine, because I'm not his property, and it's B.S. that women change their names most of the time and men practically never do. Our names would sound ridiculous combined or hyphenated. I'd be down with both of us changing our names to something we agreed on, but I can't think of anything meaningful. Oh also, I think keeping my name would piss future MiL off, which is always a bonus. Thoughts?
Let's see if I've got this right: Your surname must be Greek Your fiancée has a better one Taking the groom's name is a sexist custom Hyphenation is not an option Annoying your mother in law factors into the equation Changing to a new surname isn't the problem it's changing to his surname 1) Doesn't matter it'll be Greek either way. 2) Supports adopting his last name. 3) How strongly do you oppose the custom? 4) Okay, so combining the last names is out. 5) Shouldn't even be a consideration. 6) You both agree on picking a new last name? Can't believe either of you really want that. Basically, you like his last name better but you equate taking his name with becoming his property. So the question boils down to how strongly you oppose the custom of the bride taking the groom's last name. Personally, I get the feeling you want to take his last name. That said, in the scheme of things, this decision isn't a big one, I'd rate it slightly above choosing the location for your reception. And honestly, you can always change your name if you feel you made the wrong choice. Most importantly congrats!
i would tell you my opinion...but i feel differently about marriage than most women...and it would probably result in a huge debate that should be taken to the red room. just do what you feel is right. and congratulations!
No, no, my name isn't Greek. His is. I just feel like changing because I like his name isn't as good a reason as keeping my name and sticking with my values. But I *really* like his name.
Oh, I see. I misunderstood. But in that case, there is a perfect middle ground for you! Traditionally, Greek names come in a nominative and a genitive form: Men call themselves by the nominative, whereas daughters and wives were supposed to use the possessive form of their father's/husband's names: Mr Papdopoulos and his wife Mrs Papadopolou. However, emancipated women have long started using nominative forms for themselves. So how about adopting his name in the nominative? You'll get the cool name AND get to signal that you're not property.
Well, take his name, and make it yours. Sprinkle it with glitter and make it shiny. Beat his last name into submission, until it decides it was always your last name to begin with. I mean, you're getting married, you guys are a team now. And team has a name (Oooo!! Change your last name to The Flying Mongooses! So awesome!). And if you two don't pick a same last name now, your just going to have another problem once you have kids, trying to figure out whose surname they take. There are many cultures where the wife does not take the husbands surname, but even still some of those cultures are misogynistic. I would be more concerned over that actual misogyny, than what happens here, where the taking of the last name is just a tradition that has lost most of it's original sexist intent (if you reguard it's original intent to signal that a lady was the property of her husband). Because you're not actually becoming his property if you take his last name. So take it if you want it.
Since he's male, whatever he uses will be nominative. (In general, names that end in os will end in ou in the genitive, names than end in es will end wither in iou or in is, and so on. If his name ends in i, he's already Westernized into using the vocative, and you might as well go along.) Of course, I have to admit that the signalling worth of the nominative might be limited to linguists and denizens of current Greece. But you will know.
Well we're not having kids, although adoption is growing on us. If we adopted the kid would take my name, because it is earlier in the alphabet. I agree about the misogyny thing. I know he doesn't think of me as his property, and neither does his family. But I'm still not letting anyone in my wedding give me away. I believe very strongly that feminism is still relevant in our society, and I think many women think we're "equal" now, which I don't believe. For a while it was very important for feminists to assert that they weren't property and thus keep their names, and now that women are "equal" they don't feel the need to do that anymore. I think it's important that women recognize that that's not true yet, and I think me keeping my name is one way I could do that. That said, I think the most important thing is that women have the choice (in other words, the choice to take her partner's name). It's funny, I feel so strongly about my right to be submissive because women fought for the right to choose which power position to take, but I feel like I owe it to women to keep my name. Funny how that works. Sorry about the rant. [action=wahine]gets off her soapbox[/action]
yea..see...feminism...i believe in it...trust me, i do. but thats exactly why im not saying anything....because ill get chewed out by the strong feminists. i dont feel like getting chewed out...and im not gonna try and change someones ideas. so, wahine, i think you should do what you want. I would take his name, but thats my thing. if you dont want to...dont. dont just take it cause you like it. if its against what you stand for to do so, dont do it.
I don't know what you mean by strong feminist, but I want to point out that feminism is only the belief that women are equal to men. No less, no more. I really hate that women who hate men and think women should be worth more than men get all the attention and have warped peoples' interpretation of feminism. Anyway, I'd like to hear what you have to say... if you don't feel comfortable posting it here then go ahead and PM or do what you want. I promise not to "get into it." [action=wahine]steps down from her soapbox yet again[/action]
If you're considering adoption and the kids will have your name, I would stick with your own name. That way your kids will have the same name as one of their parents. Other than that I would go for what makes you comfortable and what feels right to you.
If you're about to commit the rest of your life to another person, taking his name in the standard convention is really a small matter. As to the 'being marked as his property' concern, I suggest you revisit the calendar. It's 2007, not 1007. Side note: I voted for teh Baba, because a vote for Teh Baba is always in order.
What values? Either you do it or don't, don't muddle up the situation with unrelated situations. Either he respects you and the name change is irrelevant, or you shouldn't be marrying him at all.
I guess I'm not seeing the problem. You LIKE his name. Choosing to take it, should you so decide, is still YOUR CHOICE. You're the empowered one in the situation. Choosing to take it does not make you "his property" in any sense, and anyone who might think so is still living in the Middle Ages and isn't worthy of any consideration. Of course, you would miss out on the pissing off of the MIL, but I'm sure there'll plenty of other opportunities for that!
You've got a W name here, and I'm with Naut. It is beneficial a lot of the time. School for instance.
End of the alphabet name is beneficial? Screw that. I don't think I explained myself clearly enough. I have a problem with traditions that are deeply rooted in misogyny. I know he respects me and that's not the issue. He doesn't expect me to take his name or not, it's my choice. But doing something because I am a woman and therefore expected to is something I have difficulty doing, e.g. taking his surname. It's the same as being given away at my wedding. It may have nothing to do with being his property these days, but the fact that that is the reason the ritual was started... that's why it should be stopped, unless that's what the woman *wants.* I am under a lot of pressure to let someone give me away, and I imagine I will be as soon as I make it clear I might not take his name. I don't want to feel like because I was born without a Y chromosome I *have* to do these things.
That attitude is exactly why I feel compelled to not take his name. People think taking the feminist perspective for these things is no longer relevant and I couldn't disagree more.
Lets cut to the chase... All shit aside, back story, causality loops... Do you want to take his last name. Yes or no.
You don't have to do anything. I say forget about having a traditional wedding, you two should fly to Vegas and have Elvis marry you at the drive thru chapel.* I'm certain your fiancée wouldn't mind. Heck why bother getting married at all? Marriage itself is entirely a tradition, a custom, top to bottom, front to back the whole ceremony is just that, a ceremony. *That's what I wanted, my wife wasn't too keen on the idea.
Nic, you're not getting married to feminism. You're not getting married to society. You're not getting married to expectations, or supposed obligations, or pressure. You're getting married to him. And you should do whatever would make the both of you happy, not what would match up with any of the above list. And, knowing your guy, whatever you choose, he will love and support you for it. He will be happy about it. My dad didn't care - he was open to my mom doing whatever she wished with her last name. She chose to take his because she was tired of having a last name most commonly associated with a cow. Wasn't due to tradition. Didn't have a moment's hesitation about the tradition's roots in misogyny. It wasn't about that. It was about her making a decision that in no way harms a single soul in the world. Doesn't set anyone, or any philosophy, back. Not even hypocritical. By taking his name, you're not reaffirming some age-old practice that you despise. You're doing what makes you happy. Basically, let's take away all the considerations. Societal expectations. Parental expectations. All the history in the world. It's just down to you, him, and a choice. And that's how it should be. A decision between two people who love each other enough to memorialize it for all the world to see. But the world doesn't get to dictate how the artists of that memory - yourself and your future spouse - sign their names. It's your decision, and yours alone.
i agree with kyle here... but...for myself, this is how I look at it: you are getting married...in MY book, getting married and BEING married is a team effort. your last name, is your last name...its not taking away from your individuality. you can still be a strong independent woman and share the same last name. to me...thats simply, in a way, a team name. id take his name, cause thats just how i view it.
