Post 'em if you got 'em. Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!" One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were. "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry. "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said. "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!" A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer. The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana." The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word." The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo." The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word." Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book. "What book did you read?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
a man walks into bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender "last time i work with children and animals" "you an actor?" enquires the barman "sorta", replies the guy, "i'm a porn actor"
what did the queen mum and princess diana's death have in common? both were pushing 102 when it happened ********************* dodi fyed's last words to a friend - "want to get in the car with me and di?"
A man walks into the bar and bets the bartender $20 he can drink from the spittoon. The bartender cringes but says, "Buddy, if you can drink from there, you're on." So the man walks over to the spittoon, picks it up, and shakes it gently. From the sloshing, it's evident that it's quite full. The man says "Bottoms up," and puts the spittoon to his lips and takes a drink. "Ugh," says the bartender, "You win." But the man keeps drinking. "Enough, enough," the bartender says, "You can stop." But the man keeps drinking, gulping the contents of the spittoon down. "Goddammit, mister, will you quit already?!? I'm going to be sick," the bartender says. Finally, the man puts the spittoon down, having totally drained it. "Jesus," the bartender says, pulling out a $20 bill, "why'd you keep drinking after I said you won?" "Well, I didn't want to," says the man, "But it kinda came out in one long string."
