1. If you are on an expedition to Mars, take more than one ship. Columbus had three. So should you. 2. If investigating the cellar of an ancient alien spacecraft, there's no need to put your faceplate right up to the alien egg. Especially since it looks exactly like, you know, an egg. 3. If you are in a dogfight, the quickest way to die is to call out, "I can't shake him!" 4. If attacking an alien mothership, always assign the most inebriated or most inexperienced pilot the task of hitting the One Weak Spot. He'll hit it every time. 5. Don't wave your gun at the motherfucka in the back seat unless you plan to make a horrible mess. 6. If chasing a Rebel pilot down the trench, always check your six. He might have friends. 7. Never wave a bible at a Martian War Machine. 8. Don't expect your marriage to survive that model of Devil's Tower in the living room. 9. If the small, lightly-armed freighter is charging your incredibly powerful warship head on, chances are he's up to something. 10. If you already have the most powerful weapon in the universe, there's little to be gained by chasing that crippled starship into the nebula. 11. If you are on a crippled starship, it's not a good idea to taunt the guy who possess the most powerful weapon in the universe. He might just fire it into the nebula after you. 12. Always remember your ship has an exhaust pipe, no matter how stealthy it is.
1x. Do not have sex right after a tramatic or horrific experience. Or, in fact, after hearing about such things. 2x. Do not rush to the shower after evading the enemy. You are better smelly than dead. 3x. There is no reason good enough to assume killing the monster once was sufficient. 4x. The call is coming from inside the house, and it is NOT the neighbor kid. Grab your nine and watch the kids. 5x. Being drunk increases your chance of cancer less than it does your chance of being the next Redshirt. 6x. Naked alien women are a bad thing. Always. 7x. Naked alien women while in space are worse. Do not bring them back to Earth. Do not stare. 8x. Do not assume the alien is carbon based or indeed vulnerable to any poisonous/dangerous/radioactive materials.
Don't throw tribbles at armed Klingons. Don't stand next to someone who's throwing tribbles at armed Klingons.
If you're a black security officer on the USS Enterprise, always send the white security officer down to the planet.
If there's a serial killer on the loose, skip the sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend until after the maniac is captured/killed. If you're an evil genius, do NOT soliloquize until AFTER you've defeated the hero and conquered/destroyed the world. Sci Fi channel theorem: Any sufficiently dangerous creature can be genetically altered to become FrigginHUGE and incredibly more dangerous. Villian's corallary: There will always be some idiot who thinks he can succesfully control and/or hunt these genetically altered killing machines! Nautica's axiom: No one ever genetically alters bunny rabbits.
9a. If the small, well-armed fighter is charging your incredibly powerful warship head-oh, chances are he's not going to change his mind.
