I got divorced back in January. Just before it went through, I met a woman (who I will call Cutie) through a friend (whom I will call Fugly woman) who was going through the same thing I was. At the time that I had met her, she hadn't yet decided to divorce her husband. Last month, I bumped into Cutie and Fugly at a local bar. Ended up talking to Cutie, and she told me she was in the middle of getting divorced. So, I asked for her phone number. I called her later that week to try to arrange a date, she said she had the kids all the time and that it'd be difficult, but she'd call me when she got some time. I took it as a sign she wasn't interested, so I never called back. Last week, I got a request from her to be added to my MySpace friends list. So, I added her, sent her a friendly e-mail telling her I hoped everything was going well for her. She e-mailed back saying she'd like to hang out sometime and that I should call her. Not a day later, she called me instead. We arranged to go to lunch, which I felt went well (we went to lunch Wednesday). It ended with her saying "Call me if you're bored" and me saying "Call me when you have some time to get together". So, now you've got to play the game, right? Well, screw that. I called her later that night and left a brief message. She called back two hours later and we both said we had a great time at lunch. I suggested going out this weekend, though she said she was busy with friends for sure Saturday night, wasn't sure about how her kids were being handled the rest of the weekend, but she'd get back to me. To recap: Lunch was Wednesday. We talked that night. Didn't talk Thursday. Tonight is Friday. Wondering if I should call this woman or let her dangle? Does she seem interested based on what I have said or am I in pre-brush off mode? It's been a while since I've dated, so I'm not sure what I should do next. Would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this.
I say leave it and give her a call on Sunday. You're both fresh out of marriages and I see the word "rebound" in huge letters. If you want it to work I suggest taking it reasonably slowly and not seeming over eager.
What El Chup says could be correct. Or it could be the start of something. Your text seems to indicate that you think she's giving you the brush-off, which I personally don't see based on your description. Hey, her kids won't watch themselves, right?! So take her statements at face value until you've got reason to think otherwise. And give her a call on Sunday like Chup said.
Have to agree with El Chup here. Even if she isn't giving you the brush-off, you're both still pretty raw, and it needs to be taken slowly...
Somthing else to add to the mix here for what it's worth: Fugly called me up late last night, which isn't really unusual, as our daughters are very close. I did feel like she was trying to get me to volunteer information without actually asking me specific questions. I kept mum, though. Didn't even mention Cutie at all. I guess I'll ring Sunday afternoon and see if she' s up for going to the festival. If not, I'll ask her to lunch again.
JMHO, and only speaking to what I would do in a similar situation: I take her at her word, then get some buddies, and go out and have some fun! Edit: Responding to your new information about your call with "Fugly", did you at least say something nice but non-commital about Cutie, such as "Cutie is nice. I had a good time at lunch with her." And if "Fugly" digs more, something like "She said she'd call me, so we'll see what happens." My original comment stands as well.
Damn this is some complcated stuff! I need a graph with circles and arrows. If I ever get divorced, I'm going to be a hermit or monk.
Starting to date after a divorce is a bit intimidating; you're used to doing things a certain way with a certain person and all of that changes. Biggest thing I can recommend is to find yourself a bit; you can still date but be careful of getting too wrapped up in someone just because you're used to having someone in your life. The way you're reacting to this situation tells me that you're pretty nervous about dating - take it slow don't put too much concern on anything someone else does and make sure to enjoy yourself (good rules for dating in general, but something that often needs to be told to people getting out of a long relationship). Good luck!
This is pretty weird territory for me. Back before I got married, women either were REALLY into me or weren't at all. I'd walk away from a date knowing for sure where I stood. I will say that I was pretty well taken aback to discover, upon meeting her for lunch, that she was even prettier than I had remembered and was also exceedingly charming, polite and smiley. She's got a real "girl next door" thing going on , so I was instantly comfortable and I didn't feel the need to be "on" which was a relief. There's a slight chance of she and I bumping into each other tomorrow. Curious George is coming to the festival and we're both taking our kids. And we'll both be with our exs (we both planned this way before the divorces).
Another thing to consider is her pending divorce. If she isn't officially divorced yet, could the husband mention this and spin it as "adultery" in a divorce case? Maybe. In any case, it's probably not the best to do anything until the divorce has finally gone though, especially in cases where they are trying to figure out settlements, etc. I'm not a lawyer or anything, but I remember "new gf/bf" coming into play when my boss was doing a settlement. (They weren't even married, they were just common-law.)
We actually talked about that. It shouldn't have much of an impact considering that her ex is already living with his girlfriend.
More serious comment -- what are you looking for here? Serious companionship, or just something to wet your dick with? Somebody going through a divorce is probably good for the latter, not so good for the former. But then you'll need to consider how that plays out with fuglie or whether fuglie's opinion matters. If you are just looking to get laid, you probably should just go out and hook up with somebody. If you are looking for something lasting, I don't think she is likely to be that person, since she is probably not yet fully aware of who or what she wants. I suppose a third possibility is that you both just need somebody to practice with, in which case I recommend going slow, so that you can figure out and re-try each aspect of relationship building.
Not sure what I want from her yet. I know that I enjoy spending time with her and I know that I feel very comfortable with her. She makes me laugh. I guess I just want to explore the possibilities.
Update: I rang her in the early afternoon Sunday and didn't get through to her. Left a message asking if she was interested in checking out the band that night. It's Tuesday morning, and I've yet to hear back from her.
Yup. Guess I was wrong, and she was using her kids as an excuse. No biggie. Don't call her, find another fish to reel in.
Well it is a rough time for both of you - I wouldn't worry too much about what is going on with her or anything like that. Worry about getting yourself on track and the girls will naturally follow.
Man, where is MY mind?!? I read that last sentence as "...and the girls will naturally flow." Which is true, I guess, but still....
Could it be the machine ate up the tape or something? I've had that happen to me on more than one occasion. You don't want to come off as some desperate dweeb, leaving 10 messages on her answering machine, but I'd wait a week and maybe give it another chance - just in case she missed it. This is the part that's so hard to tell with women. Some want to just string the guy along because it makes them feel good about themselves that they are being chased, yet they have no intention of ever taking it further than friendship. (i.e. they won't give up the goods.) ...Actually thinking about it again, you should just give it up. If she really were into you, she'll call YOU. And even if she does, she still might be stringing you along as a feel-good fix. Women.
Yeah, I suppose it's possible that she didn't get the message for whatever reason. And she is going to court this week for some divorce related stuff. I sent her an e-mail (she can only check it about once a week) with some words of support for her upcoming hearing and letting her know that if she needed to vent, I'd make the time to listen. That's it for now. The rest is up to her.
Perfect...and definitely don't take it too hard if she doesn't get back to you, there's 3.1 billion other fishies in the sea you know.
Well, as someone who hit the dating scene big time before meeting the other half I can say that I had a couple of situations that rang spookily similar to this (albeit that we weren't divrocees) and I definately agree that it's time to move on.
Well, she did get back to me. She responded to my e-mail. Basically apologized for not returning my last call, said she was very wigged out because she's going to court soon and that she is crippled by stress. Says she wants to get together again when things settle down a bit. Needless to say, I'm not holding my breath. Met a nice young lady at the community theatre. Hoping to bump into her again soon so that I can ask her to have a cup of coffee.
Not really. I met the original girl and felt that something clicked, so I pursued it. I'd still like to pursue it if she'd get of her duff and let me take her out again. But she appears gunshy for one reason or another. Theatre woman is just a distraction. Sometimes a man just needs to have the company of a female.
