So, I've been reading the Bible...

Well, reading the bible probably isn't the best description of what I've been doing. I've been watching The Bible Reloaded's Atheist Bible Study videos because it's effectively the same as reading it only less boring. I've watched up through #80, which leaves off somewhere in 1 Kings, so, about 40% of the Old Testament at this point.

Anyway:

What the fuck is wrong with you people?! I knew that book was inaccurate, but now that I'm actually "reading" it-- I barely did any of that stuff! I mean, sure, I did tell Saul that he should tell David to collect 100 Philistine foreskins in exchange for a wife, but I was joking! Saul was all "O Lord, what task shall I set before David so that he may claim a wife?" and I said "I don't know, tell him to collect 100 Philistine foreskins or something. Stop bothering me with little things like this and make your own decisions sometimes. Who am I, your fucking God?"

I don't know what's worse, all the lies and exaggerations in that book, or that you people think that the way I'm depicted in the book makes me the source of ultimate goodness and worthy of worship, and that you people use that book as a source of morality. I am more angry than I have ever been before.

On the other hand, the gay couple that does the Bible Reloaded videos seem to be honorable and intelligent young men, and I have decided that they are to become my prophets, and I hereby name Atheist Bible Study to the the official translation of the bible.

I thank no more importantly than that is who in Huston pissed in your grape nuts? I am no fan of Texas, but that flood is fucking biblical. What the fuck is the matter with you? You made @CoyoteUgly cry because some dogs got wet, but that does not forgive your indiscriminate flooding of our state with Ted Cruz as a ...........oh now I get it.

Why does everyone think every time there's a flood or hurricane that I'm responsible? I'm a trickster god, not a weather god.

Ya know what, my wife and I are watching Joan of Arcadia on DVD, and we're thinking you were kind of a dick to the poor girl.
Amber acted her little heart out and deserved the Emmy those two years a LOT more than Edie Fucking Falco, moping around her kitchen.
Jeez.

So you're like the Rocket Racoon of gods?

Dear God, can you please tell me why Antifa thugs beat up an elderly Chinese grandmother in Berkley? She was wearing a red hat, I couldn't see the front but hear it wasn't a MAGA hat just a red baseball hat. Nothing says "I am fighting fascism" like a bunch of young white thugs with bats beating up a defenseless elderly Chinese grandmother.

But, but, I thought Antifa were non violent people fighting the good fight?

That is only what the brain damaged bottom feeders lied and said.

And as predicted, here comes @Quest with a dumb rep and will now proceed to tell me how wrong I am.

Hey God. As long as you're here. Can you slap some sense into Federal Farmer?

Dumbass can't even use google.

I'm glad you can finally admit that.

You know he's not going to stop until you agree that white supremacists are pure and God's chosen people, right?

I have never heard him say anything to support white supremacists. I know it is fun to make stuff up about people you dislike but most people consider that poor form.

And yet, that's exactly what he's doing.

So a quote explicitly stating his support for white supremacists shouldn't be difficult for you to find, right?

Surely you can prove that by providing quotes to support your claim? I'll wait.

https://mobile.twitter.com/JackSmithIV/status/901912507010375681/video/1

A very brave radio show host. As Antifa thugs beat a man with bats until he was bloody, continuing to beat him as he lay on the ground not moving, a nearby radio show host/reporter jumped on top of the man shielding him with his own body as the Antifa animals tried to keep clubbing him with bats. What cowards.

https://mobile.twitter.com/JackSmithIV/status/901912507010375681/video/1

But remember 14D told us these are the heros and political violence is great.

http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/amp/Masked-anarchists-violently-rout-right-wing-12041287.php

Oh, and let us not forget Antifa's favorite target: Reporters. Reporters film the many criminal acts of these terrorist criminals so naturally they attack reporters and destroy their cameras.

They also like to wear masks like the Klan.

How did a thread about the Bible become about Antifa?
*Scrolls*
Oh, Dinner just threw it in there like a monkey wrench in the gears.
Stupid Dinner.
Why is he even here? Nobody likes him.

^Agreed; but then you should *want* him around so you're not as close to top of the list of useless tits.

Tuttle is always a ray of sunshine. I can't think of any other positive contributions he has ever made but at least we will always have his winning personality.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/ne...rch-movie-works-marc-webb-nick-hornby-1033293

Loki? Is that you bro?

So god....if that's your real name......when will you release the definitive list of what's literal, what's symbolic, what's off-the-scale bullshit, etc? The various denominations are all over the map and doing a Gregory Hines tap-dance to keep up with the latest changes.

Just write it all off as psychotic desert nomad horseshit, and you'll be fine. Promise.