Star Trek: ENT Reviews - From Start to ... well, you know

Given that, with presumably rare exception, Vulcan only mate when one or both partners go through Ponn Farr (which one can set a watch to I'm sure) it doesn't make sense to stay on the planet together. Nor was the resolution to this dangling plot in season four worth a can of piss, given that Bermaga came in like a wrecking ball and trash the shit out the only aspect that kept any kind of viewership.

I don't know I was kind of fond of Carbon Creek.

The actual October Sky was much better. But there was no suggestive scene involving T'Pol changing, so there's that.

Presumably she would have been expected to raise a child following the mating.

Yeah, but again, if they're years away from that (as suggested by the season two episode that was advertised as "It finally happens --T'Pol's in HEAT!!), then surely she could marry and keep a career for a few years until that happen.

...why am I giving this so much thought when the idiots that wrote this didnt?

Had T'Pol gotten knocked up a Vulcan husband, they missed the opportunity to have season 3 or 4 as basically Look Who's Talking in Space.

William Shatner voicing the baby...

"Look! Look! At. These. Idiots. My nappy is smarter than these bozos, and I've just taken a huge shit in it!"

Much funnier than Trip going "oooh, lookie, widdle dead baby has your ears!"

Civilization

T’Pol has tracked down an inhabited M-Class planet for Archer to fuck up. Upon arrival, they discover that it’s a preindustrial civilization - T’Pol suggests to, y’know, leave them the fuck alone until they figure out warp engines and just run some scans. So, Archer does just that - apparently, Enterprise’s scanners can take HD imagery of people’s faces from orbit. You’d think that, y’know, someone would have used that feature in the following centuries. Archer decides to have Phlox break out his high school theater liquid latex techniques to replicate their appearance and send a few people down.

Just before they leave, they discover evidence of an antimatter reactor in one of the cities, so they head off to investigate. Hoshi and T’Pol discover some of the townsfolk have blisters all over their faces and hands, and Archer and Trip find the reactor in a knick-knack shop. However, they’ve been discovered by one of the locals, who follows them, and watches in shock as Archer finds a forcefield in front of the door. She confronts them about the “evening deliveries” they’ve been making, obviously confusing them for others.

T’Pol shows up and stuns her in the back. Hoshi looks at her documents and discovers she’s a pharmacist, so Archer carries her off to her house. Then creepily waits for her to wake up. When she does, though, she doesn’t flip out about some creepy guy watching her sleep, but instead resumes questioning Archer about the shop. Archer spins a tale about being an investigator from another, secret city, then convinces her to meet her the following day.

Archer and Trip return to the store, which is now open. A quick scan reveals that he’s another alien who showed up and decided to fleece the locals with replicated (yes, another fucking goddamn replicator) crap. He explains that the locals have been getting sick from a virus, not anything he’s done, and says that the pharmacist is weaving a conspiracy theory about him.

Archer heads back to the pharmacist’s shop with T’Pol to try to get more information about the illness. She reveals that it’s too localized to be a virus - it never seems to leave the neighborhood. It also started just after the alien showed up. T’Pol tells Archer that she’s got to get back to the ship to analyze her scans, but not before lecturing him about contaminating their culture since he wants to stay.

Back on Enterprise, Phlox tells T’Pol that the reason people are getting sick is because industrial-strength lubricant is starting to leech into the groundwater. In other words, it’s entirely the alien’s fault. But on the planet, under the cover of darkness, Archer and the pharmacist are staked out to watch the shop. Archer is making small talk, when his translator suddenly goes offline. As she’s babbling in her space language and looking increasingly surprised that he isn’t responding, he instead grabs her and kisses her, resetting his translator while they make out. This move is Kirk as fuck, and let’s be honest, in real life, this is how sexual assault charges get started, but naturally, she’s into it.

Anyway, the shopkeeper’s cronies start loading up a wagon of crap, so they follow him out to a forest. They try to crack open the crates, but are interrupted by a shuttlecraft coming to tractor them up. The pharmacist is surprisingly OK with witnessing something that should be completely fucking impossible to her worldview (like she saw a pretty rainbow or something), but they’re interrupted by disruptor fire. Archer sneaks up behind the guy, and beats the shit out of him, peeling off his mask to reveal that they’re basically the aliens from the V revival, and she’s OK with that too, simply sarcastically asking Archer if there’s anything else he wants to tell her.

Archer takes a transmitter from the EVIL REPTILIAN CONTROLLING THE NEW WORLD ORDER’S FALSE-FLAG OPERATION AS THE ILLUMINATI AS FORETOLD IN THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION AND THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR’S COVERUP OF THE ZETA RETICULAN INCURSION and heads back to the shop with the pharmacist, walking through the door and finding the reactor, which is powering a sophisticated mining operation. He calls Enterprise and tells them that he’s going to try to shut down the shielding so they can beam the reactors out. The pharmacist asks if his translator can translate the panels - he says that it can’t do that (though the translator is shown to be able to do this, magically, later on in the series). They press a button, it locks out the reactor and calls an alien ship

The shopkeep calls up to Enterprise, and informs them to get the fuck out of the star system. He then wanders off to taunt Archer, name-drop Tellarites, and be generically evil about the deaths of a few thousand locals. Archer hands the pharmacist his phase pistol with directions to use it if anyone tries to stop him while he pokes at random buttons on the console. The shield drops, and the alien vessel starts to attack Enterprise.

T’Pol has a badass line about giving them the reactor they want so badly, and Archer starts a phaser fight in the middle of the damn city with the aliens. Trip beams the reactor to Enterprise, then beams it back out into open space, just in front of the alien ship. T’pol then has Malcolm blow it the fuck up with a torpedo. The pharmacist suggests that Archer shoot a streetlamp that’s filled with comically explosive oil, which takes out the aliens in the street. Archer makes sure they beam out, which is the first thing that gets a real reaction out of the pharmacist.

Enterprise cleans up the mining op and leaves the pharmacist with medicine to help with the illness and a strong recommendation to not go blabbing about all the incredible shit she’s seen. Oh, and another goddamn makeout session because Archer is trying to be Kirk today.

And that’s why I kind of enjoyed the episode - it was very much like an episode that would have made an appearance on TOS (aside, perhaps, from a slow start - TOS was more likely to just open with Kirk and Company showing up to save the day in the opening teaser). And while we often give B&B shit for having carbon copies of other shows on Voyager and Enterprise, here, it works out pretty well. The villain of the week they got even managed to seem very much like a TOS-style villain in tone and appearance. The only negative? This being a decent TOS story means that it has a few of its weaknesses as well - it’s talk-heavy and bordering on sexist.

Rating: ***

....did we watch the same episode?!

This is one episode I found my brain wandering through, every time I've attempted to watch it. I'd honestly say this is in my personal bottom ten for the entire series, and there's some stiff competition for that.

Plus, Archer shoving his nose into everyone's business becomes a bit of a thing and at one point turns him into a hypocrite next season when he chews Trip out for the same thing.

Also, not bothered much by other aliens having tech like 24th century Trek.

And I'll give kudos for Braga and Berman making transporter use a once or twice a season event (usually for a season premiere or finale).

Fortunate Son

You know what we haven’t had in a while? An episode that reminds us that we could have had a far more interesting show than we got.

The show’s teaser opens with some humans on a freighter playing low-g football, and ends with Nausicaans attacking. Enterprise has mentioned the Boomers more than once - those humans who are out in the galaxy at large in low-warp cargo ships, doing actual work instead of fucking around building snowmen on comets and shit. We finally get to meet some that aren’t Mayweather.

Archer gets a hail from Admiral Forrest, who asks him to go look into the ECS Fortunate - somehow, Earth has got their distress call, but Enterprise, which is only a day or so off, didn’t get it at all. In the crew briefing, Mayweather mentions that there may be kids aboard, and then goes on to state that he was a result of his parents getting bored during a long haul. Once they arrive, they find the ship adrift and unresponsive, so they take a shuttle over.

Once aboard the ship (the interiors are a nice redress of Enterprise sets, but with a lot more dents and grime), they find the humans thankful for their presence, but apologetic, stating that the emergency call was an accident. Their captain is in sickbay, so Archer insists on staying to help getting the ship back up and running. After getting Archer out of his hair, the XO goes and visits his prisoner - a battered Nausicaan he’s in the process of interrogating.

He then heads over to Enterprise with Mayweather, commiserating with his experiences aboard his parents’ ship. The XO looks on in awe at the transporter, warp 5 engine, and protein resequencers, but is also suspicious - who will want to actually lead a life like the Boomers if ships like what Starfleet is operating are around?

Over on the Fortunate, T’Pol discovers that the power for sensors has been rerouted to weapons. She also discovers the Nausicaan life sign. Archer and T’Pol confront the XO about it, and though he tries to play dumb, he folds pretty quickly - he tells them the Nausicaan is his prisoner, and points out that Starfleet lacks jurisdiction over the Fortunate. Playing hardball, Archer directs Trip to remove all the equipment they’ve installed, so the XO agrees to bring them to the Nausicaan.

Unsurprisingly to anyone but Archer and his merry band of idiots, it is a trap. The Fortunate crew open a hull breach in the cargo section they’ve lead them to, then run out, trapping the Enterprise crew inside as they detach the cargo section from the hull. The Fortunate warps out of the system, forcing Enterprise to wait and retrieve their shuttle and crew.

After getting back aboard, Mayweather points out that the only thing the Fortunate would be looking for is the Nausicaans for a little revenge. Aboard the Fortunate, the XO manages to beat the shield frequencies of the Nausicaan ship out of his prisoner, but there’s dissent amongst the ranks about whether or not they should be making a practice out of taking prisoners. The XO is clear, though - they have to show the Nausicaans who’s in charge.

Meanwhile, the Enterprise crew has managed to track down the Fortunate and has laid in a pursuit course. The situation is bothering Mayweather, who suggests that the Fortunate may be acting in their own best interests, and that his father would have been mad as hell if Starfleet showed up and told him what to do. Trip points out that the times, they are a’changin’. After taking his concerns to Archer as well, Archer reminds him that humans really need to not be in the revenge business. Because, obviously, Starfleet never fucks up and is never, ever corrupt. Except for like a full third of the admiralty we encounter in the franchise’s canon, Section 31, the events of Star Trek VI, etc., etc.

Anyway, the Fortunate has found the Nausicaans. However, as they chase them down, they find that the Nausicaans have lead them into a trap - a Nausicaan space station built into an asteroid field. They try to flee, but they discover that the shield frequencies they were given were bullshit. Insightful, timely commentary on the efficacy of information gained under duress! Anyway, the Nausicaans quickly overpower the Fortunate and start boarding the ship. The XO is determined to fight, and refuses to give up the prisoner, which is all that the Nausicaans, thus far, have asked for.

Enterprise shows up to broker a bit of peace. Archer makes it a point to say that there’ll be a lot more ships like Enterprise coming in the near future, and the Nausicaans agree to let the Fortunate go so long as the prisoner is returned, which is extraordinarily reasonable. Meanwhile, the XO sarcastically says, “Starfleet’s come to save the day.” Mayweather points out that, even if the Fortunate makes a point with the Nausicaans, what happens when they run across a different cargo vessel - like his parents’? His argument, and the imminent destruction of the Fortunate, forces him to comply - the XO shoves the prisoner to the Nausicaan boarding party, who leave peacefully.

After the Fortunate and Enterprise depart, the captain finally gets back on his feet, and demotes the XO to a crewman. In chatting with Archer, he points out that soon, he’s going to need a warp 3 engine at minimum just to do business, and that his way of life is being outpaced by progress. He’s not a total dick about it like the XO though, and Archer heads back to Enterprise.

The really frustrating thing about this episode is that it hints at a world that we don’t really get to see a lot of on Star Trek - that of people who are not in Starfleet. And it sounds a hell of a lot more interesting from a storytelling perspective. Think about how many species that these people have technically made first contact with - first contact that Starfleet will never, ever recognize. A universe where hauling cargo is becoming increasingly commoditized because of fast ships and transporters. Where Starfleet’s dismal record with making friends, at least at this stage in the game, could have real consequences.

And yet, we do almost nothing with this. I think we have one more Boomer-centric episode in the show’s run. It probably didn’t help that Firefly came along and basically pulled off the concept in a way that Enterprise could never hope to match. But, had we gone with the concept of a private vessel in the Star Trek universe, it could have been set at virtually any point in the chronology and probably been able to get away with things that would normally be continuity issues scot-free. Overall, though, decent episode that’s relatively unique in the Star Trek canon.

Rating: ***

I did an Enterprise rewatch last year, and I greatly appreciated it more than I did when it was originally on. It's now my third favorite trek behind TNG and DS9. Loved Season 3 and Season 4 had some very Star Trekkian stuff in it.

Did you just rank ENT ahead of TOS, or is TOS outside of your ranking?

Star Trek is Fourth. I like and respect the series (and I'm currently doing a rewatch and I'm in season 3) but I like TNG, DS9 and Enterprise slightly more.

Actually he has a valid point. There is an element of cheesiness (really fake looking sets, costumes, etc) in TOS that we willfully overlook. When TNG was past the first season, didn't a good percentage of us think "This is way better than the original!" In retrospect, TOS aged a lot better, but there is certainly a set of sensibilities where it would rate at the bottom, kind of the way Gilligan's Island would come out in comparison to a modern top sitcom.

The cheesiness factor comes from it being a show produced in the mid 1960s, when most people still had small televisions and many were B&W still. The production values were acceptable, even ahead of the curve, for the time. Of course watching remastered episodes in HD on a 52" screen has the deficiencies screaming at you. That's why they're so easy to overlook. It's like watching old episodes of Doctor Who . . . the production values are poor but the writing and storytelling are generally so good that you don't care. Think of a stage play. Are you there for the set design or the story being told?

Exactly. I couldn't watch early Dr Who because I can't get past the look and sound. It feels like watching a 1970's soap opera so I can't get into the story. If I gave it more of a chance I'm sure I'd like it as much as everyone else does, but until I make those tweaks to my sensibilities I wouldn't rate it very highly compared to later ones, even though later ones so often suck.

So I'm perfectly okay with accepting that someone might rate Star Trek TOS well below later iterations of the franchise. Or if you come at it backwards, you could be watching TOS for the first time and think "Ah! This is just a cheesier version of that classic TNG/DS9/Voyager/Enterprise episode, but with better characters and a clearer point!"

For both TOS and oldWho, I just use my imagination that it's advanced tech that looks like crappy effects.

"Ha! Kirk still uses a flip phone!"

Yeah, but it projects Tony Stark style holograms right into his retina so we can't see.

Ummm.... Space battles?

Or I rate it this way because I grew up on 90s trek and just prefer that to the original. I like Star Trek, but 90s trek is something I like more.

DS9 has age pretty well.

These reviews are more entertaining then the show. I wish @Kyle was around to continue them.

It's been almost a year, @Kyle. Moar please.

Quite likely the coma hasn't worn off yet. Happens while binge watching this garbage...

Looks like this is exactly the loophole Discovery is gonna use, so neener, neener, Oscar Meyer Weiner!

Meh. He's got a wife and kids now, so he doesn't have time to torture himself for our entertainment anymore

Reviewers who let babies get in the way of entertaining people online are the worst.