The Exorcism of My Windows

Spaceman Spiff · Oct 11, 2005

The latest little composition, this one with Halloween and Internet security in mind.

The Exorcism of My Windows
by Spiff

I confess, I guess, I shouldn't have opened up the email
but let the record state that it was late, so wisdom didn't prevail
before you judge me for it, remember it was almost three
so I didn't notice the filename "666.exe"

dammit, I know, it was a dumbass thing to do
so save the lecture and conjecture 'til my story is through
because I swear on all that's holy that what next came to pass
was my screen went black and I heard a voice like glass

crushed glass, grinding around in my speaker
my normally robust bladder felt just a tiny bit weaker
as it tauntingly assured me that it was no minor glitch:
"your soul belongs to me and your rig is my bitch!"

sweat, cold sweat trickled down the small of my back
as I fretted and regretted not buying a Mac
and in that moment there was a sulfurous smell
as the monitor flashed the Red Screen of Hell!

Norton was a joke and McAfee made it snort
I tried reinstalling as a last resort
I put in the disc and counted backwards from five
but it spat it back out and puked pea soup from the drive

Bill Gates hates me, this I know
cuz my Windows has big holes
he said SP2 was strong
that sounds good, but he is wrong

the speakers boomed: "one-two-three-four-five-six!
"we tire of your pathetic and interminable tricks
"we'll bend you over in Hell until your whole back's sore
"for we are Legion and we are the Ultimate Haxxor!"

the monitor spun around, the hard drive started to growl
the speakers screeching out obscenities most foul
something shoved into my chest, knocking me out of my chair
and I heard a voice exclaim "get thee behind me, spyware!"

my machine began to gurgle and shake on the desk
calling my mystery savior something cruel and grotesque
and you know, I've really got hand it to the red-hatted guy,
he reached into his pocket without batting an eye

he pulled out a CD and pressed it up against the case
smoke came up around it and he said "leave this place."
"human," it snarled "don't presume to tell us what to do!"
he shouted in reply "the power of Linux compels you!"

we buried my poor computer later that same night
I paid it my respects without sounding too trite
I thanked the red-hatted man for his saving grace
and when I told him about the email, he slapped my face

Bill Gates hates me, this I know
cuz my Windows has big holes
he said SP2 was strong
that sounds good, but he is wrong
Click to expand...

Storm · Oct 11, 2005

Borgs · Oct 11, 2005

The Exception · Oct 12, 2005

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The Exorcism of My Windows

Spaceman Spiff Banksta 4 Life

Storm Plausibly Undeniable

Borgs Guest

The Exception The One Who Will Be Administrator Super Moderator

Log in or Sign up

The Exorcism of My Windows

Spaceman Spiff Banksta 4 Life

Storm Plausibly Undeniable

Borgs Guest

The Exception The One Who Will Be Administrator Super Moderator

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