Things we'd all love to say, but don't.

What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!

And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?<---my personal favorite!

CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I
just wanted paychecks.

One I actually used back when I rode public transit...was waiting at a bus stop when this latino came up to me and started yacking away in Spanish...I looked down from my 6'2" and said "Do I look fucking Mexican?"

My mother-in-law was coming back into Arizona from a day-trip to Mexico and the border folks started yakking away in Spanish. She said pretty much the same thing! She was pissed.....but she is pretty dark, and does look Mexican when sge gets a little sun.

Anyway, did you hire him to cut your lawn or what?

"New York Approach, this is [CENSORED]. Yoo tawkin' to me, fuckstick? HEY! Listen up asshole- you work for me, not the other way around, capiche? Now gimme my fuckin' vectahs to the ILS Runway 6 at Teterboro and shut the fuck up, ya fuckin' moron!"

"You want it your way, go to Burger King."
"If you're in a hurry you should have left yesterday."
I do use these, among others, does that count?

"Marso Two-Five-Lima-Niner, this is New York Approach Control. Copy your last transmission. Set course for Empire State Building VOR, decrease altitude to eight-zero-zero feet, and accelerate to five-zero-zero knots."

It's still weird hearing you refer to a small airport that I see planes taking off from right over me every day.

Waggle your wings next time, will ya?

What I always want to say to the engineers when they drop a proposal in graphics' lap on a Friday morning with a Monday morning due date:

"Can you idiots schedule a trip to the fucking bathroom without overtime!?"

Mewa: Get the fuck off my, fat-ass bitch, and find your own subway seat!

Also a favorite of mine. My sense of smell is apparently more sensitive than some peoples'.

To all the fat people (usually women) who wear tiny too small outfits.

"Ma'am you owe me for my lunch because I just lost it looking at you."

"Ma'am you're oozing out of your outfit, and my lunch is oozing out of my stomach because of it."

"Just... just shut the fuck up, you moron."

I find myself thinking that to people a lot.

I've actually used this one.


"Sir you're a dick and an asshole so bend over and stick yourself up yourself."

Another favorite I've used.

"You're a hemerroid on the buttocks the world."

My variation that repeats in my head is "you dumb fuckin animal ".

And if I ever got to the point where I uttered it out loud, it would be to preceed by scant fractions of a second impaling someone's hand to a hard surface with a bladed implement.

What I thin k when I complain about overtime to my boss, but she just shrugs because as a VP she's at the office 12 hours a day anyway:
"I'm not a career-driven workaholic overcompensating for being the only woman VP in the corporation, I'm just here for a paycheck!"

"Yes, I'd love to go shopping with you." =

"I'd better not waste my whole day wandering around looking at all this useless crap unless I at least get to see you naked."

In that case, yes, I'll go shopping with you...

It was especially bad some years back when smelling like a can of Raid roach killer was all the craze with "Poision".
Seems anyone who wore it was less than sparing by bathing in it and always seemed to end up in an elevator with me forcing me to fight to keep my gorge down. That was some really nasty crap.

"The jerk store called! They said they're all out of you!"

Ya know, that has to be one of the classic Wordforge moments of 2006.

"We only get about 80 years on this world- I will NOT spend 4 of them listening to you bitch about the government."

To the older woman ranting at the pretty young tearful cashier for no reason:

"If you were my mom I'd be a sonofabitch."

That actually happened...

(insert name of "school" here) is the WORST FUCKING PLACE IN THE ENTIRE PLANET!! YOU FUCKING BORED ME and IGNORED me!! YOUR FUCKING FUNDIE BRAINS MADE ME AN ATHEIST!!! Heh, thank you, religious mindless drones!! You showed me the way! BASTARDS!! BITCHEST!!! WHORES!!! I HATE ALL OF YOU!! I'm SO FUCKING GLAD YOUR DAMNED SCHOOL CLOSED DOWN, BITCHES!! It wasn't a school, it was a RETARD BABY CAMP!! THAT'S WHAT IT WAS!!

I HATE(insert name of "school" here) FOR ALL THE SHIT YOU MADE ME FEEL, FOR TWO FUCKING LONELY YEARS and for all those nights crying myself to sleep!!
Then when you shitheads see me you're like, "HI, it's been so LONG! How ARE you?"
AND I JUST WANNA BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND HURT YOU!!!
Well, CHOKE ON YOURSELF AND DIE! I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANY OF YOU CUNTS EVER AGAIN!! DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS! DIE!!!

Under identical conditions, I almost quoted the esteemed philosipher George Kennedy: "Lady, why don'tcha go get laid. It'll do ya a lotta good."

But alas, I chickened out. When it was my turn to pay I said to the tearful young lady, "I'd like to apologize on behalf of the human race for that evil bitch." Cheered her right up.

Wow, I really lost it!

No, your baby isn't cute, and you shouldn't have bred.

"______, I love you."

There, I really fucked up the thread now .

I work at a resturant, so I can't say any of the shit that I really want to......like when someone feels the need to repeat something about their order 15 fucking times, I just want to look at them and say, I'm not a fucking retard I can hear you just fine. Or there is this one customer who will come stand at the register with his coffee cup in had and stand their until I can come fill it up. One time I made him wait 10 minutes, cause I was fucking busy as all hell and by myself. I just wanted to say to him, Look buddy, you aren't the only fucking customer here, and you aren't my first priority, the people who don't even have drinks are. So would you please go sit your ass down and wait like everyone else.........


I hate people, I really shouldn't work with em......

Two times I've gotten off really good ones at just the right moment.

Once I was at the Crystal Underground, Crystal City, Virginia. It's a sort of underground shopping mall. Anyway, I was leaving, walking thru the underground garage on my way to my car. Another guy walking thru, looking for the elevators, says to me "Excuse me, where are the elevators?"

I pointed at the eight-foot-tall letters that said "Elevator" and said "Right there by the big sign that says 'elevator'."

The guys responds "Well, I guess I'm just a dumb hick then, huh?" all mad-like.

I shrugged and said "Apparently" and proceeded to my car. The guy was so stunned he didn't say anything else or try to follow me or anything.

Other time involved Circuit City. I had just bought a brand-new 27" television and got it home, only to discover that there was no remote in the box. This model of TV needed a remote to access its various "set-up" features. So I took my receipt and went back to the store. Went to the customer service desk and explained my problem. The guy at the counter accused me of trying to steal a remote control! So I sort of slumped and said "All right, you got me. I go around the country buying five hundred dollar televisions so that I can steal three-dollar remote controls."

Amazingly, this actually caused the guy to realize just how stupid he was being and he went and got me a remote.

My favorite holiday comeback came up this year.

Coworker on his way out: "If i don't see you, have a nice holiday!"
Me: "If I don't se you, I WILL have a nice holiday!"