Things you don't expect someone to say in places you don't expect them to say it.

So I was kidding around with my lovely wife last night, and grabbed her butt in fun. I noticed her glute was all tensed up - certainly an effect of the way she was putting all her wait on one leg at the time. But I was feeling silly and started doing a massage therapist routine: "Oh you are SO tense! (smack!) loosen up, loosen up! (squeeze) You're so full of tension! (smack)..."

All of a sudden she yells "What are you doing? LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

I could only stop and stare at her for a moment in surprise. It was kinda the last thing I expected to hear her say while we were in the middle of taking a goddamn SHOWER together!



Maybe I'm just too spontaneous for her sometimes.
Orrrr maybe it was making it difficult to shave her legs without slicing flesh.

Sounds like the honeymoon is over, to me.

A man picks up two hitchhikers, who pull a gun on him, steal his car, and leave him hog-tied naked with his ass up in the air by the side of the road. After a long while, a county sheriff's car pulls up and the sheriff walks up to the hog-tied man.

"Oh, thank God," says the man, relieved.

"What happened to you, boy?" the deputy asks.

"Two hitchhikers robbed me and stole my car. And then they left me like this."

"Boy," the deputy says, unzipping his fly, "this ain't your lucky day..."

Let Elwood write his own biography, Paladin.

Ooohh... Forbin, try this: When you and Mary are getting ready for bed (while you are nekkid) turn to her and ask "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard." Then "tuck" your junk and dance around the room a little.

Oh, that ALways works with her.





Despite being Italian, Italian foreplay* never works with her.

*"You. Here (point at crotch). Now."

I'm always the guy with the unwelcome, oddball commentary. It's why I don't bother talking much. All I get from most people is .

Fuckin' political correctness.

Apart from homosexuals and Ramen, I'm having a hard time coming up with an appropriate time to compliment another man on his penis.

Try it at a public urinal some time. The other guy will appreciate it.

^^^ Actually happened to me once. I'm finishing up doing my business at the urinal, and I hear "Niiiice dick!". I zip up and turn around angry, only to find a good friend of mine who was pranking me.

'course, if I ever tried to pull off something like that, it'd turn out not to be the friend I thought it was--just some other guy who happened to look like him, and he'd probably be an 8th dan black belt in ninjitsu and packing heat as well....

That's better than Redneck foreplay*.



*"Hey bitch, you awake?"

Oh, like that matters to them.

I thought redneck foreplay was "Git in the truck, bitch."

A man and his wife were getting ready for bed when suddenly this burglar broke into their bedroom. Seing them both naked, the burglar sat them in chairs and tied them both together back-to-back. While the burglar was going through their dresser drawers, the man whispers to his wife:

"Honey, this man probably just got out of prison and most likely hasn't had sex in a very long time. Seeing you sitting there naked might get him aroused so if he tries anything, just give him what he wants and maybe he won't hurt us."

The wife says:

"Honey I was about to say the same thing to you. While watching him go through our drawers, I watched him take out a jar a vasoline and he's now staring at your ass with a pretty wide grin on his face right now"