Wordforge: The Freaking Frontier, Part II

Cut To: The USS Wordforge, en route to Numbnuts III.
Elwood (walks over to where Cass is staring at the image of the Mysterious Man): Cassie, you look like you see dead people.
Cass (glances at Rucker): Sometimes I wish I did. But nevermind that. I am somewhat disturbed by this Mysterious Man. (points at screen) I think I have identified him.
Elwood: Who is he?
Cass: In Europe there was once a man who rejected the rational, athiestic, socialistic philosophy of my people and who instead thought that religion, superstition, and right wing political alignment were the true way to European enlightenment. His name was Shepherd.
Rucker: Imagine that. A religious right-wing Euroweenie.
Cass: We do not often speak of him. He was chased out of Madrid by an angry mob and an even angrier husband and has not been heard from since. However, Captain, if this is indeed Shepherd, then showing the slightest interest in religion is something we dare not do.
Elwood: Like with the Jehovah's Witnesses?
Cass: More like mentioning psychiatry to Tom Cruise.
Elwood: Okay. (shudders) Important safety tip there. How about attacking the colony?
Cass: They will notice if we beam down.
Rucker: Then we can nuke the place from orbit?
Cass: May I remind you, Rucker, that our ambassador is in danger down there and nuking the place will also entail nuking him?
Rucker: So? It's just Chris.
Elwood: We can't nuke the place. If we killed MissManners, then Techman will have more time on his hands and he'll be hanging around us more. But I have a plan...

Numbnuts III: The bar.
Computer: You've got mail!
Shepherd: Ah, good, our ship has arrived. Open a channel.
Diacanu (on screen): This is Vice Admiral Diacanu commanding the Starship Wordforge.
Shepherd: Aren't you a little short for a Vice-Admiral?
Diacanu: Don't play games with me, Mr. robe-clad terrorist. Let my people go.
Shepherd: Okay, you're definitely too short to be Moses.
Diacanu: Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, I'll just get to the point...free the hostages or else.
Shepherd: Or else what?
Diacanu (non-plussed): Or else I'll have to send a shuttle down full of armed men and shoot the place up, giving you a chance to capture the raiding party and board our ship and take it over anyway. Hypothetically speaking.
Shepherd: I see. Hypothetically speaking, you are correct, I would capture the raiding party and use the shuttle to board your ship because I'm smart.
Diacanu: Hypothetically?
Shepherd: Ah, now we're talking philosophy...indeed if I were hypothetically smarter than you, then Plato would say...

Cut to: The shuttle
Cass: We won't be able to land close to the city. They'll spot us.
Rucker: That'll mean walking miles across the burning desert.
Elwood: That's what we signed up for.
Rucker: Actually, I just signed up for the chance to travel across the galaxy and shoot those I'm not fucking.
Cass: But you're not fucking me.
Rucker: Oh. (goes for gun; Elwood stops him)
Elwood: You two can entertain each other later. Right now we got a job to do.
Rucker: Aww, Captain...!

Cut to: A campsite on Numbnuts III
Flashlight: I find myself in another parody, FINALLY...and what am I doing? Sitting here dressed like a towelie with a twisted ear.
Bulldog: You should have shared your secret pain with the Holy One.
NeuteredZoneRefugee: Aye, praise be the Enterpriser.
starkt: Brother, I do not believe he means the Enterpriser Holy One, but the Shepherd Holy One.
NZR: Oh, HIM. (rubs broken nose) But Enterpriser would have broken my nose in TWO places.
Bulldog: At least you didn't have to suffer the...
(all look up as "boom chicka wow wow" music starts up in the distance)
Flashlight: Huh. That sounds like a porn movie.
Bulldog: Here in the desert?
Flashlight: I'm going to go look. (grabs flashlight)
Bulldog: Seriously. A porn film? In a desert? A desert controlled by us religious folks?
Flashlight: You got something better to do in this desert controlled by religious folks?
Bulldog (thinks): Well...no.
(They go outside.)
starkt: Look! (points at a sensuously-moving figure dancing atop a nearby dune)
Flashlight: Whoooaaaa.
NZR: Bah. Enterpriser dances more sensuously than that.
Flashlight: I wants her...precious....
Bulldog: But, Flashlight, you're part of our religious brotherhood. Control those urges.
Flashlight: Uh, no, I signed on for the money and the dental plan.
Silhouette (starts singing): I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want...
Bulldog: Dear god...I think that's Geri Halliwell up there. Yuck!
Flashlight: I don't care. Been in this desert for a full three days now. I'm going to get her. You boys coming with me?
NZR: Enterpriser would follow you better than I could.
starkt: What the heck. I always follow the mindless mob.
(They dash across the desert, scrambling up the dune, as the figure moves more and more seductively. Flashlight reaches the top, turns on his flashlight and looks up to see...)
Lanzman (wearing nothing but feathers): Hello, boys. (Our heroes pop up, aim ray guns)
Shepherd's followers:
Flashlight: But...but...
TheLurker: I was gonna do it but I hadn't had time to shave my legs.
NZR: Enterpriser cross dresses better.
Flashlight: (drops flashlight): Oh just shoot me now.
Rucker: Okay...

Cut To: Our heroes, riding horses across the desert
Order2Chaos: nananananananananananananna BONANZA!
Elwood: Oh shut up.

Cut To: The Gates of Paradox City
Elwood: You! Up there! Open the gates!
Robotech Master (peers over wall): Why?
Elwood: There's a whole bunch of enemy people type thingies following us?
Robotech Master: Uh...I don't buy it.
Elwood: Jehovah's Witness?
Robotech Master: Uh, no, sorry.
Elwood: Pizza delivery?
Robotech Master: About damned time. Open the gates!

Cut To: Streets of Paradox City
Elwood: Okay, so where's the hostages?
Cass (from behind breathing mask): mrfl mmble mrfle mrrf
Elwood: Cass, the air here is fine, why are you wearing that mask?
Cass (lifts mask for a moment): I'm allergic to fundamentalists. (points) That way, sir. (ducks as someone starts shooting)
Rucker (in loud voice): Fill your hands you sonsabitches! (starts blazing away. Elwood leaps off horse and runs into the restaurant. A moment later he comes flying out again, through the window. In the doorway a frail girl appears)
River Tam: Smells funny. Like a wet field mouse. (walks off, muttering to herself)
Shepherd: Everyone cease fire. Captain Elwood, surrender.
Rucker: Like hell. (aims at Shepherd) You gotta ask yourself...did I fire five shots or did I fire all six? Truth to tell I kinda forgot myself...but the question you gotta ask yourself is, 'do I feel lucky'?
Robotech Master (presses gun to Rucker's head): I kept count. You fired all six.
Rucker: Shit. (drops gun in disgust)

Cut to: Shuttle
Elwood: You'll never get away with this.
Shepherd: Of course I'll get away with it.
Elwood: How do you know?
Shepherd: Faith, Captain. Faith can accomplish anything. Oh, yeah, and I also got a look at the script.
Diacanu: Captain! We've got a TBBS Battlecruiser closing in. Suggest you seek safe harbor.
Rucker: Oh great. First someone finally gets the drop on me and now we're going to be blown to bits.
Elwood: Please, let me contact my ship, Shepherd.
Shepherd: Okay, but no tricks.
Elwood: Diacanu, we're going to institute plan C.
Diacanu: Plan C?
Elwood: You know...C...as in 'Crash into the ship at an insane speed?'"
Diacanu: Very good, sir.
Elwood: Lanzman...plan C, if you please.

Exterior Shot: Shuttle crashes into ship at insane speed

TO BE CONTINUED

I'm 6' 3"!!

I wonder if I sang "Beyond Antares" while I was dancing?

Good stuff!

Moses was much taller!


I love having a staring role - sorta weird to be on the oppisite side from Elwood and Storm but hey, better than being a Red Shirt!!

I finally made it into one of these things.