Wordforge: The Freaking Frontier, Part III

Cut To: The Wordforge Hangar Bay. The shuttle is lying on its side, broken, while sparks sputter and a nearby hubcap slowly clatters to a stop. Elwood crawls out from under an overturned cooler full of beer and sees a ray gun lying nearby, and lunges for it. But Shepherd lunges for it too, and they start to fight. A left, and a right, then an uppercut, then a body blow, and then Shepherd takes out a big heavy Bible and whaps Elwood upside the head with it.

Elwood (dazed, looks over Shepherd's shoulder, gasps) Shoot...him.
(Shepherd turns, sees Cassandra holding ray gun. He walks over until the muzzle of the gun is stuck in his chest)
Shepherd: That's right, shoot me.
Cassandra: Okay...
Shepherd: Of course, it will show the hypocrisy of your European left-wing-gun-control pacifism.
Elwood: He's right...but shoot him anyway!
Cassandra (wavers): Uh...
Shepherd: It's the way of your people to renounce violence.
Cassandra: Damn. (hands over gun)
Elwood:
Rucker (crawls out from under wreckage): What's going on?
Elwood: Sure, NOW you show up.
(Shepherd's followers round up the crew)
Bulldog: What shall we do with them?
Shepherd: Lock Storm, Elwood and Cassandra in the brig. The rest will help us take over the ship.
Bulldog: Right, O Holy One. (hustles Storm, Elwood and Cassandra away)
Lanzman: You'll get no cooperation from me!
TheLurker: Me either!
Shepherd: Everyone has a secret pain. (hefts heavy Bible) Share yours with me...

Cut to: The Brig
Elwood:
Cassandra: You're pissed, right?
Elwood:
Storm: You could've shot him.
Cassandra: No, I couldn't.
Elwood: Why not? I gave you a direct order! I oughta knock you on your ass!
Storm: Aw, Elwood, that's no way to talk...let me do it.
Cassandra: You asked me to shoot my brother.
Elwood, Storm:
Elwood: Wait a minute...you don't have a brother!
Cassandra: Yes I do. Pablo Diablo.
Elwood: Aha! But Pablo is another athiestic left winger!
Cassandra: Shepherd is the illegitimate son of my mother, who she only learned about years after he was born.
Elwood: But...er...wait...um, okay, so maybe that makes sense...

Cut To: Wordforge bridge. Shepherd enters, followed by Lanzman and TheLurker.
Diacanu: WTF?
Shepherd: Ah, Captain Diagonal!
Diacanu: DIACANU! And what's the meaning of this?
TheLurker: It's all right, Dicky. (rubs head, sways) Just do what the man says.
Lanzman (rubbing nose): Yuh. He gnows what he's doink.
Shepherd (lifts Bible): Care to share your secret pain?
Diacanu (eyes Bible): Don't even think about hitting me with that thing, I'm on to your little trick...OWOWOWOW MY FOOT!
Shepherd: That's it, feel the pain.
Diacanu: I'm feeling it, ow ow ow.
Shepherd: So you're going to turn over command to me and I'll make sure that your secret pain doesn't happen again.
Diacanu (points to command chair): Right over there. (Limps off)
Shepherd: Now, give me the all ship intercom.
TheLurker (peers at buttons, sways, punches one or two of them uncertainly): Uh...er...try it now.
Shepherd: Attention, brave crew of the USS Wordforge. Ever since we first logged on and saw the words on the magic screen, everyone in cyberspace has wondered...what is the password? What does IP mean? Where can I get free porn? All members of all boards have pondered these deep questions. And I have the answer. I am convinced that it lies in the very center of cyberspace, beyond the Great Firewall...the key to all our online existence, the ultimate bulletin board run by the ultimate administrator.
Chris (reverently): The Great White Room!
Miss Manners: The Ultimate Troll!
Borgminister: The Great Warning!
Shepherd: Yes. And that's where we're going. Mr. Lanzman, set course.
Lanzman: Gourse is set, O Holy One!

Cut To: The Brig
Storm: This guy's nuts. (looks at where Elwood is standing on Cassandra's shoulders)
Elwood: This circuit looks promising...
Cassandra: Useless. Unwise.
Elwood (gets zapped): YEOW!
Cassandra: Did I mention fucking stupid?
Elwood (blows on scorched fingers): There's got to be a way out of here.
Cassandra: I'm sorry, but this cell was designed to contain the ugliest, cleverest, slimiest trolls imaginable.
Storm: Was one of them an Austrian who wears skimpy thong underwear and has a penchant for starting unnecessary trouble?
Cassandra: No, that's Schwarzenegger. But one of the trolls WAS Austrian.
(tap tap tap)
Elwood: Do you hear that?
Storm: What?
Cassandra: You mean the tapping, as if there was someone rapping, rapping on our prison wall?
Elwood: Sounds like code!
Tapping:

Elwood: I can't make it out...
Tapping:

Storm: Uh, I think it says...stand...the...fuck...
(Explosion. We see Dayton propelled through wall head first, leaving gaping hole. Then we see Nick stick his head in)
Nick: Hi. I'm Nick and I'll be your escape accomplice for the evening.
Elwood: Nick! How did you manage to get through the walls? I thought they were impenetrable!
Nick: They are, but Dayton's skull is even more impenetrable.
Elwood: Good thinking.

Cut To: Shepherd and Bulldog and starkt entering brig
Shepherd: These three are exceptionally thick skulled. Breaking them ought to be...
(notices brig is empty save for Dayton sitting in bunk, eating M&M's and watching WWF on the TV)
Shepherd: Find them. But don't hurt them.
starkt: Enterpriser would have escaped better.

Cut to: A hallway
Nick: That Shepherd guy has taken the ship.
Elwood: We know that.
Nick: He's using some sort of mind control on the crew.
Elwood: We know that too.
Nick: And he's taking us to the center of cyberspace.
Elwood: Know that. Tell us something we don't know.
Nick: A hummingbird is seemingly incapable of flight because of the size of its wings. However, its wings move so fast that it provides enough lift for the bird to take off.
Elwood: Huh. Learn something new every day. Okay, here's the plan...Storm, Cass and I are going to head for the Emergency PM system. You sabotage the engines so the ship can't go anywhere.
Nick: That's sounds kind of dangerous. Why do I have to face the most dangerous bit?
Elwood: 'cause you're the engineer.
Nick: Oh, right. Okay, I'm off then to certain death.
Elwood: Good man. (pats him on the shoulder)

TO BE CONTINUED

Awesome, I didn't succumb to fundy mind control.

Though somehow, that makes a lot of sense!

Shep, you wouldn't really whack me in the nose with a big heavy bible, would you?

Excelence!

Yet!

My methods are often more....sbutly.

Sbutly?

:rofl3:

No self-destruct KABOOM?

SUBTLY, dang it!

Darn @&*$ letter transposition!

And furthermore, the sentence still doesn't make sense!!

Clever wit why have you failed me?!

Subtle!!!

Okay?

Now, what else is going to turn up?

That was with the Cassandra Android in the Wordforge: TOS episode "I, Baba"

Excellent series! Let's hope the network doesn't pull the plug on this one after episode 3...
Want to rep, but need to refuel first.

It just gets better and better.