Wordforge: The Search For Cass, Conclusion!

Cut To: GeneBBS Baba returns to camp.

Baba: Baba bad.
Vandy: Why?
(Baba points. Tafkats and other TBBS'ers come in, weapons ready)
Baba: They say they give rep to Baba for betraying Vandy. Bad TBBS'ers lie.
Tafkats: So, we have captured more little Wordforgelings. Give me the secret to the GeneBBS Device.
Vandy: O Great and Powerful Moderator, we are the survivors of a doomed parody attempt. We don't know nothin' bout no GeneBBS device.
Tafkats: You lie.
Vandy: Take a look, Great Lord. A yuppie, a mentally challenged guy and a mindless Austrian are stuck on a deserted planet. Doesn't that seem like the beginning of a bad joke?
Tafkats: Hm. Perhpas you are right. You grovel very well.
Vandy: I am but newly entered into the corporate world, but thanks.
CharlesTripTuckerIII: Great And Powerful Lord, we are detecting a Wordforgling battlecruiser coming into range.
Tafkats: Beam me up. (looks around) The rest of you stay. You are not fit to beam up with me.
Assembled TBBS'ers: Yes, Great Lord!

Cut to: Wordforge Bridge
Storm: We are entering orbit around GeneBBS, you foul capitalistic American warwankers.
Elwood: I wish you'd quit channeling Cassandra.
Storm: I wasn't. I was just fucking with you that time.
Lanzman: I'm picking up odd readings. Traces of pizza, dirty socks, and cases of money.
Elwood: Huh. Reckon the Halliburton's been blown up?
Lanzman: Could be. Plus I'm picking up other readings...faint traces of sycophantry and random powermongering readings.
Elwood: I don't like it. Something smells.
Diacanu: That would be me, sir. I can't shower if you don't let me loose.
Elwood: Later. Keep scanning!

Cut To: TBBS Warbird Bridge:
CharlesTripTuckerIII: They have not detected us, Your Worshipfulness.
Tafkats: Perfect. Stand by to open fire.
CTT3: Yes, your Uppishness.

Cut To: Wordforge Bridge
Elwood: There's something else out there. I'm getting an urge for a beer.
Lanzman: Look! (points at wavering bit of cyberspace) Looks like...
Elwood: A TBBS Nebulous Policy Device! Battle stations!

Cut To: TBBS Warbird Bridge
Tafkats: FIRE!

Cut to: Space. TBBS Warbird decloaks and opens fire, but so does the Wordforge. Both are struck and start to list.

Cut To: Wordforge Bridge
Elwood: Fire again!
Nick: Can't sir. The automation system just gave up for no apparent reason.
Elwood (sighs): Let me guess...
Nick: Made in Great Britain. 'Fraid so, sir.

Cut To: TBBS Warbird Bridge
CTT3: Sir! Our weapons are offline.
Tafkats: Elwood...he's a demon. Or a lucky fucker. (thinks) Open a channel.

Cut to: Wordforge Bridge
Storm: The TBBS'ers want to appease us, sir.
Elwood: On screen
(Tafkats comes on screen)
Elwood: Ew. (wipes off screen) What do you want?
Tafkats: Give me all the materials related to Project GeneBBS
Elwood: Aw hell...not that again. (whispers to Lanzman) get ready to do to them what we did to T'Bonz.
Nick: Er, sir. Thingie's broken. Remember?
Elwood: Aw shit. Er, okay, Mr. Tafkats, how about you surrender or we flame you right off the map.
Tafkats: Don't mistake me for T'Bonz. I'm a lot more subtle. (presses button)

Cut to: GeneBBS
Vandy: Hello, er, Elwood?
Elwood: Vandy! Are you allright?
Vandy: Yes sir. I am here with Baba and a certain Austrian of your acquaintance.
Elwood: What? Is she all right?
Vandy (looks at Cassandra, who is sitting and typing random letters into desktop and giggling): She is not quite herself. She's also aging very fast. It would seem that her life force is tied into the planet. But this place is pretty fucked up, sir.
Tafkats: I am now going to kill one of the hostages.
(TBBS'er takes out knife, circles hostages. Stops behind Baba. Vandy looks away, starts to whistle, as the knife comes down)
Baba: Ow. Baba give neg rep for being murdered. (dies)
Vandy: Captain...Baba is dead.

Cut To: Wordforge Bridge
Elwood (upset): TBBS Bastards! You killed my son! (starts to weep) You...killed...my...son...
Crew:
Tafkats: A touching display, Elwood. Now surrender or the cute chick gets it next.
Elwood: You...don't understand. Bastard. You killed Baba. How am I supposed to hate you now?
Tafkats: Hate is not allowed under the new rules, which I just made up a few seconds ago. Are you going to surrender or what?
Elwood: Fine. I surrender. Just give me a few minutes to try to hate you again.
Tafkats: Fine.
(screen cuts off)
Elwood: Prepare to abandon ship. Computer!
Computer: What?
Elwood: Set self-destruct. Code Mountain Dew Bass Gritts Honeysuckle (looks at Nick)
Computer: Accepted.
Nick: Commander Walzak. Code I Quit Find Another Techie. (looks at Diacanu)
Computer: Accepted
Diacanu (aghast): Are you two nuts? I'm not going to give the code to blow up the damn ship!
Computer: Final code accepted. Nick knew you'd say that.
Elwood: Three minute silent countdown. Engage.
(Everyone starts to leave)
Diacanu: Somebody want to UNCHAIN ME????

Cut To: Transporter Room. Alpha Romeo and other TBBS'ers beam in. They wander through the ship, finally reaching the bridge.
Alpha Romeo (picks up chain, looks at it, then talks into communicator: Great One, nobody's home.
Tafkats: WTF?
Alpha Romeo: Nothing here but an empty leg chain and a screen that has a smiley.
Tafkats: Don't just stand there, get the White Room data-

Cut to: Exterior. Wordforge goes blooey, then boom, then kapow.

Cut to: Our heroes, standing on the surface of GeneBBS, dodging falling debris
Elwood: My God, Storm, what have I done?
Storm: What you always do.
Elwood: Overreact? Panic? Withdraw and leave the world the wrong message?
Storm: Pretty much.
Lanzman (waves tricorder): Hey! I'm reading a semi-naked Austrian off that way.
Elwood: Why are you standing there? Let's go!

Cut To: Campsite. Planet starts shaking. Cassandra screams and pounds keyboard in frustration at Blue Screen of Death. TBBS'er leans over her and gets shot as Elwood comes charging over the hill. Elwood grabs communicator.
Elwood: Tafkats. Nyah nyah.
Tafkats: Still alive, huh?
Elwood: I've got the GeneBBS Help DVD right here. If you want it you're going to have to beam us up.
Tafkats: How about I not beam you up and let you all die down there.
Elwood: How about you not beam me up but beam everyone else up and beam yourself down so I can kill you.
Tafkats: Um...okay.
(Everybody beams up. Tafkats beams down. He looks surprised)
Tafkats: Shit. (As Elwood punches him)
(Fight ensues. Eye gouging. Punches. Planet starts to disintigrate. Fight ends up with Tafkats clutching Elwood's boot as both dangle over a lava pit. Tafkats stars to catch fire)
Tafkats (glares up at Elwood) : Warning for flaming. Take it to MA!
Elwood (starts kicking Tafkats) I...have had...enough...of...hearing that!
(Tafkats falls into lava, to possibly return in Episode 4, "A New Dope")

Cut To: TBBS Warbird Transporter Room. Elwood materializes, sees CTT3 tied up and the rest of the crew drawing on him with magic markers.
Lanzman: Nice to see you made it, sir. Personally, I didn't want to work for CassandraRucker.
Elwood (to CTT3): Tell us how to turn on the engines.
CTT3: I do not deserve to hang out with you guys.
Elwood: For once, you're right.

Cut to: Warbird Bridge
Lanzman: That? (slaps Diacanu)
Order2Chaos: Nope
Nick: This? (give Diacanu a noogie)
Diacanu: Guys, I don't think....eeeee! (as Lanzman gives him a wedgie)
(Ship starts)
Lanzman: We're up and running.
Diacanu: Why is it's always me?
Elwood: You always want it to be about you. Full speed out of here, Lanzie!
Lanzman: I wish you'd stop calling me that...

Cut To: Pretty shots of Warbird arriving at Area 51, then dragging unconscious Cassandra all the way up to the sacred temple at the top. Breathless porters set her down and then go to their rooms to cry. Then Tamar Garish comes onstage.

Tamar: What the fuck do you guys want?
Phantom: We desire the bacon and eggs special. Also we want to get Cassandra's mind out of Rucker's body and into her own body again.
Tamar: What you seek has not been possible for years, since Safeway stopped delivering here. But I think we can do that Cassandra/Rucker thing. If Rucker is willing.
Storm: hell yeah I'm willing, you red-headed American warmonger...I mean, you cute little redhead, darlin'.
Tamar: State thy name for the legal disclaimer, then.
Storm: Storm Rucker.
Tamar: Thy full name.
Storm (hesitates): Storm Moonbeam Rainbow Rucker. Son of Willow and Flower Rucker. (glares at everyone's snickers)
Tamar: Come over here and lie down next to Cassandra. (Boom chicka wow wow music begins) No, not in that fashion. (Music dies, musicians mutter)
(Storm lies down, then goes as Tamar sticks finger in his ear, then Cassandra. She begins to meditate. Interminable time passes, then everybody onstage gets up and starts to walk away)
Phantom (walks over to Elwood): It is done.
Elwood: Did it work?
Storm: I'm all right, Elwood. (walks away, rubbing ear)
Phantom: Elwood...you sacrificed so much. Your board. Your son.
Elwood: Well, the board loss is gonna suck, but Baba...(shrugs)
(Both look as Cassandra walks by with glazed expression. She stops, turns, looks at Elwood)
Cassandra: Phantom has told me that you and I used to be friends.
Elwood: I wouldn't exactly say friends...
Cassandra: I...have...always...been...here.
Phantom (whispers): Babylon 5 episodes..she's remembering something
Cassandra (raises eyebrow, looks at Elwood): Warwanker. You...are an American.
Elwood: Yes, Cassie. Don't you remember?
Cassandra (looks at Storm): I...hate you.
Storm (grins, twirls finger around his temple) :Welcome back, Cassie.
(Grew gathers around Cassandra, start talking to her and badgering her. She slaps Diacanu and tries to bite Storm. Everyone laughs as the credits begin to roll)

THE INHUMAN PARODY CONTINUES

I'm wondering about the next title.

"The Voyager Homepage"?

nah.

Drawing a blank. but then, I don't get paid to write this stuff....

Neither do I.

You want me to invent the WF equivalent of a Pulitzer?

Hey, that ain't a bad idea...

Not to toot my own horn, but this place IS called WORDFORGE.

10 to 1 he won't stay dead

I'm just going to give up and be glad I got a line, even if I have no idea who the heck I am.

Can't wait for the next one.

This is better then garamet's stuff.

Quiet, you! You're dead... DEAD, I tells ya!

Oh, shit. So am I...

Umm...

Maybe I'm in the Nexus in Wordforge: Moderations?

Y'know, the one where Elwood sacrifices himself, winds up in the Nexus and is recruited by Kyle (all grown up and lacking hair) to stop the evil El'Chupian villain from blowing up a star with a TriLeitium warhead...