Wordforge: The Search For Cass, Part I

(USS Wordforge is limping along in space)
Elwood: Captain's log, stardate 61505.1. We're returning to our home server after T'Bonz beat us up in the last movie. We've managed to pawn Baba and Vandy off onto another board and now all I have to deal with is Rucker, who's acting funnier than usual...

(Cassandra's quarters. It's dark as the door opens. Elwood walks in, trailed by a couple of security guards, Ensigns Kyle and Bulldog)
Bulldog: This is where the intruder alert was, Captain.
Elwood: Dammit, I told Diacanu to quit coming in here looking at her underthings.
Kyle: I agree, sir. That's sick. The least he should do is sniff them.
Elwood: Nobody needs to be playing with her underthings, dammit. You did search the room for cash, though, right.
Kyle: Aye, sir. And I wasn't playing with her underthings. What I was doing was quite serious, sir.
Elwood: Er, right...(raises voice) Okay, Mr. Intruder, you need to come out now with the panties over your head...I mean, you need to be HOLDING them over your head, where we can all see 'em...er, rather, drop the panties and come out now.
Voice (sounds like Cassandra): Elwood...
Elwood (raises eyebrows): Er...Cassie?
Voice : You must go to the GeneBS system.
Elwood: Er, we just came from there.
Voice: Once there you will give up your capitalistic goods and renounce American warmongering and live a life of service to your fellow man.
Bulldog: Sounds like you've been elected Pope, Captain.
(out of the darkness comes Rucker, staggering, looking dazed. Speaks in the Voice): Renounce...capitalism...guns suck...how could you just leave me standing...alone in a world that's so cold? (faints)
Elwood, Bulldog, Kyle:

Cut to: Server Station, as Wordforge limps in to dock. Along the way it passes two small, beat-up frieghters, the captains of which stop talking and just stare at the newcomer.

Mal Reynolds, Han Solo: Now THAT is a piece of junk!

Cut To: Red Room, where crew is assembled.
Admiral Listkeeper: Captain, we're going to see to Commander Rucker's illness. Our best psychologists will work on it.
Elwood: Thanks, sir...it got downright unsettlin' when he started painting his nails and singing Jimmy Buffett songs. Now about our repairs...
Admiral Listkeeper: I'm afraid that's going to be quite impossible. Even though we spent millions refurbishing Wordforge two movies ago, we've decided that she's too old to bother with and so we're going to use her bandwidth for something better, like a porn channel.
Nick: But sir, you can't do that! How will I make myself look good?
Adm. Listkeeper: We're sending you over to the Trollkingdom BBS to work on her new TransTroll drive.
Nick: Shiny. I'll be off packing...(leaves)
Elwood: Sir...I'd like permission to go back to the GeneBS GeneBBS and keep an eye on the place.
Adm. Listkeeper: Quite impossible. GeneBBS is now under blockade.
Elwood: But...why?
Adm. Listkeeper: Because the Administration learned there might be oil there. Nobody goes there until Halliburton gets first crack at it. Especially no damned French.
Elwood: Good to know that some things never change, sir.

Cut to: BBS Halliburton, moving into orbit around GeneBBS.
Vandy: I can't believe this...of all the people who get to be a ship captain...
James Tiberius Kirk: Standard orbit, please. Ms. Vandygoddess, you were saying something?
Vandy: Not really...Captain Kirk.
Baba: Baba like Captain Kirk. Baba watch TV show all the time.
Captain JT Kirk: You may start your scanning, Ms. Vandygoddess.
Baba: Baba give rep for scan.
Vandy: (sighs, turns to screen): Um...no oil yet, sir...but wait...detecting slight traces of eggs...sugar...glass...Austrian DNA.
Capt. Kirk: Great. Looks like you found Captain Cassandra's remains...
Vandy: Sir, I'm picking up something else. (points at screen) I'm picking up margarita readings, sir!
Capt. Kirk: I'm sure that's very interesting, but...
Vandy: That's a life sign, sir.
Capt. Kirk: How do you figure?
Vandy: Margaritas can't be made without human intervention, sir.
Capt. Kirk: I didn't know that. I guess you want to beam down and investigate?
Vandy: Please, sir. I'd...do...anything.
Capt. Kirk: Permission granted. But you have to take Baba with you.
Vandy: Oh, fuck. Aye sir.

Cut To: Elwood's apartment, where the gang is gathered.
Elwood: (hefts liqour jar) To Alabama. (drinks, passes it around. Doorbell rings) Open!
(Door opens. Phantom is standing there)
Phantom: I would speak with you, Elwood. Like, now.
Elwood: Ambassador Phantom...I...
Phantom: (knocked to one side as everyone else nearly tramples him in order to beat the crowd to Denny's) Why did you leave Cassandra back on GeneBBS?
Elwood: Well, she got turned into goo, see, and then...
Phantom: She would not have died that easily. Did she mind-merge with anyone?
Elwood: There wasn't a chance. She faded away like an Alka-Seltzer.
Phantom: We must be sure. Have you a DVD player?
Elwood: Sure, but...
(Phantom brushes past him. He reaches into his robe and takes out DVD Special Edition of Wordforge: The Wrath of T'Bonz.)
Elwood: What are you doing?
Phantom (doesn't answer, instead chooses a scene) :There. I thought so.
(Elwood looks at screen, sees frozen image of Cassandra sticking finger in Storm's ear)
Elwood: Is that...
Phantom (grimly): The Austrian Ear Meld. Like, imagine, like, Cassandra's mind in Rucker's body. The two of them, sharing the same skull. Voting one way, then the next. Each driving the other mad.
Elwood: Damn. That's worse than hugging Baba.
Phantom: Not quite, but you see the danger.
Elwood: What must I do?
Phantom: Find Cassandra's corpse and bring her to Area 51. Only then can both Rucker and Cassandra find peace.
Elwood: How about Kyle?
Phantom: I'm afraid there is no piece for Kyle there.
Elwood: Rucker's going to seriously owe me for this one, won't he?
Phantom: Like, totally.

CUT TO: TBBS Battlecruiser
Tafkats: (studies "Wordforge, the Wrath of T'Bonz" Special Gold Edition DVD)
Director's Commentary: ...so of course, we wanted to establish that whoever owned the secret of GeneBS could control all of cyberspace.
Tafkats: Cool. Set course for GeneBS!

Cut To: Surface of GeneBS. Baba and Vandy appear.
Vandy: Baba...
Baba: Someone speak to Baba?
Vandy: Just want to tell you to shut the fuck up right now. (studies tricorder) I'm reading tequila off this way.
(start walking through snow, desert, uphill...both ways)
Baba: Baba find something. Give Baba rep. (points)
Vandy (looks, sees mayonnaise jar. It's open): Huh...wonder why someone would steal a jar of goo.
Baba: Baba find naked lady. Will post in White Room.
Vandy: Yeah, sure, whatever...(lifts her eyes and looks) Sonofagun...

Cut To: Halliburton Bridge:
Vandy: It would appear, Captain...er, Kirk...that we've found...Captain Cassandra.
Capt. Kirk: Looks like that Rucker guy was right. (Looks at DVD in hand, sets it aside). What do you suggest?
Vandy: I recommend we bring her aboard, of course.Capt. Kirk: Let's not be too hasty, Lieutenant.
Vandy: Are you afraid of the political ramifications?
Capt. Kirk: No, just don't want to bring another liberal aboard.

Cut To: TBBS Battlecruiser, as it decloaks in orbit around GeneBBS:
Tafkats: Okay. Take them down. But don't destroy them.
Jayson: Haha! Die, liberals, Die!

Cut TO: TBBS Battlecruiser blows Halliburton to bits.

Cut to: TBBS Battlecruiser
Tafkats: I told you not to destroy them!
Jayson: Oops.
Tafkats: (takes out gun, permabans Jayson) I need a new redshirt here!

Cut To: Prison facility
Elwood: I'm here to see Storm Rucker.
Darwin: Go right in, sir. But make it quick, he's got a trip down to Hippie Hollow for rest and recreation.
Elwood: Damn...that's the place in Texas with all the skinny dipping?
Darwin: Right you are, sir.
Elwood: Next time I want to be the one who goes insane. (enters cell)
(Darwin and Lanzman stare at each other)
Lanzman: Finally got a decent job, huh?
Darwin: Don't get smart, bloody Yank.

Cut To: Cell. Elwood comes in, takes out European Union flag, shows it to Rucker.
Elwood: How many stars on this flag?
Rucker: Funny. Have they figured out why I just filed an absentee vote for John Kerry?
Elwood: You're suffering from an Austrian Wet Willie.
Rucker: Why that little commie appeaser...this is her revenge for all the times I wouldn't sleep with her.
Elwood: Actually, every time you asked she kicked you in the 'nads. Ready for a little trip?
Rucker: They're sending me to Hippie Hollow.
Elwood: You can't. You've gotta come with us to find Cassandra, so we can get her soul out of your head.
Rucker: I'd much rather go to Hippie Hollow.
Elwood: Think about this for a moment. You have a woman's mind trapped inside your head. Suppose you pick up some naked chick at Hippie Hollow and your Cassandra side takes over. What then?
Rucker (closes eyes, smiles. We hear boom chicka wow wow music)
Elwood: RUCKER!
Rucker: Fine. Okay. But you owe me...

Cut To: Prison reception area. Darwin is looking at computer when suddenly he yells as electricity flows into him. Then Elwood and Rucker come out.
Elwood: You took care of the guard?
Lanzman: I showed him how to get into the WHite Room. I didn't tell him it wasn't work-safe.
Elwood: Good work! (takes out communicator) Lurker, the Kobayashi Maru is leaving for the Promised Land.
Lurker: Eh? What's that then?
Elwood (Sighs): We've got Rucker and we're making our escape.
Lurker: Oh. Right. Sorry. I'll tell the others.
Rucker (sadly) Goodbye, Hippie Hollow...

To Be Continued

Muwhahahaha!

Cool! I'm the lead without even being there