Wordforge: The Voyage Zoned, Conclusion

Cut To: The Local Olive Garden
T'Bonz: Okay, so now that you're here and are obviously going to seduce me so I'll tell you all about my trolls, what'll you have?
Elwood: Um...the GarlicFest Special.
T'Bonz (smiles sweetly): Me too.
Elwood:
T'Bonz: Okay, so, before we eat and the seduction begins, what would you like to know?
Elwood (mutters): The things I do for the Forge...
T'Bonz: What?
Elwood: I said...I can feel the rising of my gorge.
T'Bonz: Oh, I get that a lot. So I suppose you want to know how you can get at my trolls?
Elwood: Er, yeah...
T'Bonz: And also the radio frequency of their tracking collars?
Elwood: Um, yeah, let me get a pen...
T'Bonz: and the time they wander over to Misc so that they're completely unprotected from troll hunters?
Elwood: Uh, yeah, how do you spell Misc...?
T'Bonz: Fine. But first I'll want something from you, big boy.
Elwood (mutters as he writes): Wants something from big boy...oh.
T'Bonz (gets up as food arrives): Make that to go. I need to show you my Hummer.

Cut to: Microsoft HQ:
Gates: Okay, so we've got a new computer, and I've come up with a fix to your chat problems, and your SQL problems, and I promise to let my company get annexed by Apple. Do you have any other demands?
Rucker: No more gun control.
Nick: Bring back 8-tracks.
Order2Chaos (looks out window at approaching horde of cops): Uh, more ammo?
Rucker (goes to windows): Huh. (breaks window, opens fire at cops) Take that, fuckers! Long live libertiarianism!
(cops return fire. Everyone dives to floor as glass and bits of wall go flying)
Rucker (gets up, leans out window, shoots again): Hey! I'm Tony Montana! You magnificent bastards, I read your book! Top of the world, Ma! Here's one for the Fighting 69th!
Nick: O-kay, I think you've lost yourself in the part, Rucker. Remember, we're not here to change history!
Rucker: Yeah? How do you know that there WASN'T a Waco-style massacre at this time and place?
Nick: Nevermind. (gets out communicator) Is anyone back in the ship yet?
TheLurker:Hello, this is the ship. How may I direct your call?
Nick: Uh, we could use an emergency beamout right now.
TheLurker:Pardon me?
Nick: Damned Brits...(gets out notebook, consults it) Er, we need for someone to use some Floo Powder and help us bloody escape, wot?
TheLurker:Well, why didn't you bloody well say as much? But we can only apport you two at a time. Someone will have to stay behind.
Rucker: Fine. Order!
Order2Chaos: er, who...
Rucker: Cover for us!
Order: But there's a thousand of them but only one of me.
Rucker: Didn't you ever see Assault on Precinct 13?
Order: Well, yeah, but we don't have Laurence Fishburne here...
Rucker: Fine. Improvise!
Order: But---(stops as Nick and Rucker beam out)
Cops: Freeze! (much noise as many cops chamber rounds)
Order: I was right. This is going to be a really, REALLY long day.

Cut to: Back at the ship, as Elwood comes back
Elwood: Where's the hot shower in this thing?
Cassandra: You appear to be covered in motor oil. What happened?
Elwood: T'Bonz showed me her Hummer. But it wasn't going well because it wasn't properly lubricated. But once I oiled it up her motor really got going.
Cassandra: Very noble, sir. So I suppose there will no longer be anything wrong with T'Bonz Hummers?
Rucker: Why's this all sounding familiar, anyway?
Elwood: It's not important. Report.
TheLurker: Um, well, sir, we've got the troll containment system in hand, sir...(points to where Diacanu and Lanzman are wallpapering a chamber with kinky magazines. Lanzman looks disgusted, while Diacanu is muttering, "seen better, photoshopped, youi can't really do that with a screwdriver"). Nick is reinstalling the repaired SQL database. How about the trolls?
Elwood: I've taken care of that. As soon as we take off we can get them.
TheLurker: We still have a problem. Order2Chaos has been arrested.
Elwood: I knew that already.
TheLurker: I'm not talking about his development. I meant arrested by the police.
Cassandra: Where, no doubt, he will be taken somewhere mysterious and tortured until he talks in true American fashion.
Storm: Now listen here, you blue-blooded sieg-heiling hussy...
Cassandra: Really, Rucker, you should stop blowing your bullets, the lead content is definitely inflicting damage to your brain...
Elwood: ENOUGH! I don't have time for this...unfortunately. Now, Lurker, where are they keeping O2C?
TheLurker: Actually, they're holding him in an interrogation cell at the local mental institution for criminals.
Storm: My God, Elwood, we can't leave him in the hands of 20th century federal interrogators! We need to rescue him and put him in the hands of 21st century federal interrogators!
Cassandra: I agree with Storm. We must rescue O2C.
Crew:
Elwood: Is that the European thing to do?
Cassandra: No. It's foolish, and will jeopardize our mission. Therefore it is the American thing to do.
Elwood: Okay, so long as we're on the same page.

Cut TO: The interrogation room.
Interrogator: Name.
Order2Chaos: Order2Chaos.
Interrogator: I said, name. You can make political statements later.
O2C: That's my handle.
Interrogator (looks around): What handle?
O2C: My handle is Order2Chaos.
Interrogator: Look, buddy, I don't care about your anarchist statements. I just want your name.
O2c: Order. 2. Chaos.
Interrogator: So you're going to stick to that neoanarchist poetry, huh?
O2C: Actually, I just prefer Star Trek, myself.
Interrogator: Enough with the mind games!
O2C: Would you like to play Cat-a-Pult? I'm an excellent Catapulter.
Interrogator: Gah! (head explodes)
O2C: Well that was easy. (stands up, just as bloodied and battle-battered Storm, Elwood and Cassandra burst in. ) Hi, what took you so long?

Cut to: Back at the ship
Elwood: Okay. Everyone's rescued. Engines are going. Did we forget anything?
(Sounds of fists hitting the hull)
TheLurker: Er...one little thing.
Elwood: What's that?
TheLurker (turns on screen. We see PBM beating her fists on the door): Er, we sorta promised this woman that you would father her child.
Elwood: PBM????
TheLurker: Yes sir, in exchange for the porn.
PBM: I want the buffed captain! You PROMISED!
Elwood: Take us up, Mr. Lanzman.
TheLurker: But what about history? What about your unborn son, Baba?
Elwood: I'm sure that history will be fine. Let's go get our trolls!

Cut To: The Trollhunting Ship Pequod
Ishmael: Captain! Trolls ho!
Phantom: Arr...(looks through spyglass)...yes! 'Tis the Great White Troll Enty himself! He'll not escape this time! Arm the Harpoon Missile!
(Crew runs to stations, undraping missile, aiming it straight at Enty)
Phantom: Yes, at long last, I have thee...for hate's sake, I launch my last Harpoon at thee...(stabs button)
(Missile goes flying, impacts in great explosion.)
Ishmael: Sir, he's gone!
Phantom: At last, he's dead!
Ishmael: Actually, sir, he looks to have been beamed away.
Phantom: Curse you, mods! (shakes fist at sky)

Cut To: The Titanic II
Nick: Captain, there be trolls here!
Elwood: Very good, Nick!
Nick: ...and they're shitting all over the place.
Elwood: Lay down some newspaper, Nick. Cassandra, are we ready to travel back to our own time?
Cassandra: Just have to adjust the calculations for Dayton's weight and the hot air they're emitting, Captain.
Elwood: What's that mean?
Cassandra: That we're ready to go. (crosses fingers behind back)
Elwood: Great! Lanzman, back to the future!
Storm: You've been waiting this whole parody to say that, haven't yooooouuuuuuu.....

Cut To: Server Headquarters. Things are rapidly falling apart. Machines are shorting out. People are screaming. Window breaks.
Phantom: Look!

Cut to: Outside. We see the Titanic II tumbling out of a dark, lightning filled sky.
Lanzman: Sir! We've lost power! We're out of control! Blind as a bat! And oh yeah, there's an iceberg right ahead.
Elwood: Crash! We don't crash! Wordforge never crashes!
Cassandra: But this is a TBBS ship.
Elwood: Oh. Fu-

(ship crashes)

Elwood: Fine. We crashed. Abandon ship!

(crew struggles out of ship. Titanic II is slowly sinking. Elwood struggles to the top of the wreckage, his hair whipped by the storm.)

Elwood: Why aren't the trolls talking to it?
Cassandra: Just a second! (pulls out cattle prod from under robe, dives into the water)

Cut To: Alien Space Thingie
AST: Wah. Grr!
Enty:
Dayton:
AST:
Enty:
Dayton:
AST: :IMHO!:
Dayton:
Enty:
AST: (leaves)

Cut To: Titanic II wreckage
Crew (looks up as sky clears):

Cut To: Server Council Chamber. The crew marches in.
Alphaman: Cassandra, you are not on trial here.
Cassandra: Oh? My bad. (Starts to walk away, is grabbed by Elwood)
Alphaman: Now then. The charges are...well, too long to mention. So we've reduced them to wanton fuckupery in the first degree. Since the rest of the crew has paid bribes, the charge is leveled at Captain Elwood alone.
Elwood:
Alphaman: Captain Elwood, your actions have saved all of the cyberverse from a massive spacegoing ubertroll. Of course we have two slightly smaller ubertrolls loose, but we have that in hand...
Phantom: Arrr.
Alphaman: So it is the judgement of this council, which really has no authority over you, kinda like the World Criminal Court, that you be sentenced to that fate worse than death...administrator of a BBS. And may God have mercy on your soul.
Crowd:

Cut to: A shuttle
Storm: Fucking liberals. They'll give us one of those nowhere boards on Prospero.
Lanzman: I'm hoping for the Playboy hot chat message board!
(Shuttle loops past Playboy board, and we see shiny new BBS floating in space. We see letters painted on it: Werdforge II.)
Elwood: Uh, wow...er, I guess...but they botched the paint job.
TheLerker: No sir. It's the timeline.
Elwould: What?
Sterm: I think it's cause y'all didn't sleep with PBM and make Baba...since he's not around to be a bad example...
Casandrah: yes...now we all spell baad.
Elwould: Huh...oh well...ah rekon weel manaje...

THE END.

OMG! Best installment yet!

Cut To: Alien Space Thingie

Somebody remind me tomorrow!

And actually, no, I haven't seen Assault on Precinct 13

Continuity grumble!

If Phantom = sarek, then Phantom ought not be the Captian of the whaler. could give that job to the biggest so-far-unused Enty or Dayton hater around here. Possibly Face would have been a good candidate.

Otherwise, kudos!

Nice work.

Can I get a cameo in a future installment?

Wait, am I Chekov, or Sulu? It seems to jump around.
...and it seems to jump around to give me the most demeaning monkey chores, and the least lines.
Now I know how Takai feels.

Shaaatneeerrr!!!!

This is a Trek parody. You expect continuity?

Relax, I'm thinking of giving you a leading part in Wordforge: The Next Moderation "Encounter at ForgePoint"...

... as DiacanQ!

I mean: a twisted, silly genius who exists purely to challenge the crew's preconceptions?

Man, you were born for the part!

Now, can anyone recommend someone to play Worf?

I've already pegged Uncle Albert as Picard - bald, misanthropic, hates children... obviously never gonna get it on with Tamar Garish...

Worf Rucker?

Yeah, but Storm don't seem the type to whip out a bat'leth when a phaser's handy, if you get my drift.

Geordi's a tough one too. I'd say Mewa or Alphaman, but neither of them has as little luck with the ladies as Geordi...

Wesley = Kyle. That was obvious.

Tied between Cass and PBM for Troi. PBM might be better suited as Yar, but I couldn't bring myself to have Asyncarmus kill her in SkinofEvil...

Kinda figured you for Riker. In terms of the easy-goin' charm, anyways... the only person who hits on people as much as Riker is Tasvir, and that obviously isn't gonna play...

Data... hmm...

T'Borgs: We are the Bored. Lower your IQs and surrender your threads. We will add your verbal and technological differences to our own.

Nick: "Technological"? You like the smilies?

T'Borgs: From this time forward, you will service... us.

Tasvir:

^ Heheheh.

Wouldn't Tamar be Tasha? It fits name-wise...

Yeah, but the red hair means she gets to be Crusher.

Phantom: Sooo... Doc. Seems the ship's been delayed by some godlike entity. Wanna head to my quarters and have the same experience?

Tamar: Tch. The only way that'd ever happen is if you got some big slug thing inside you...

Phantom: Isn't it supposed to be the other way round?

Flashlight as Worf? He's an attacker by nature....Maxwell Everett as Data? though he could come around a bit more often if he want's a leading role...definatly PBM as Troi - she's the touchy feely one.

/me goes off to contimlate the cast of his own parody before he gets beaten to it....

Guess there's no bit where Rucker does a Terminator 2 impression and just kneecaps the cops, huh?