Wordforge: The Voyage Zoned, Part I

Intro: The deepest depths of cyberspace. We see a mysterious, dark craft moving through space, making a mysterious "Wah, Grr" sound.

Cut to: USS TogaParty , where the crew is listening intently to the mysterious sounds.
Captain Summerteeth: Oi, Communications, have you figured out what that bloody racket is? I can't hear what's on the telly.
Legion: Not sure, Captain. However, I can tell you, it's big, it's mysterious and it's menacing.
Summerteeth: The new weather graphics?
Legion: Worse.
Summerteeth: Alright, let's play it safe. Tell Command we're going to make contact with it and attempt to make nice with it.
Legion: I thought you said we were going to play it safe.
Summerteeth: Well, if I wanted to play it dangerous, I'd go up to it with a cattle prod annnnndddd...(she stops, as the lights dim)...er, what was I saying?
Legion: It...he...sucking away our...ability...to think...power levels...dropping...can't...speak....
(everything goes dark)

Cut To: Area 51. Elwood is addressing a sweaty, dirty, weary-looking crew.
Elwood: Okay. Let it be known that the moderators and staff of the late USS Wordforge have decided to return to Cyber Central in order to face judgment and punishment -
Diacanu: I didn't...
Elwood: ...in the recent rescue of our comrade, Captain Cassandra...
Storm: ...she ain't my goddamn comrade...
Elwood (glares): Because we're responsible to our members and devoted to their happiness. Dismissed.
Storm: Like the paint job?
Elwood: It...displays a sense of history, all right. (Looks up at word TITANIC II painted on ship in blood red paint). Nick, you done anything about the snack machine?
Nick: I busted it open and kept all the money, and I filled it up with Krispy Kremes and Mt. Dew, just as you ordered, sir. (pauses dramatically) Many diabetics...died in stocking the machine.
Elwood: Sacrifices have to be made for the troops, Nick.
Nick: Just as well we're the troops, huh, Captain?
Elwood:

Cut to: BBS Federation Council chamber, where DVD of "Wordforge: The Search for Cass" is playing. Scene of TBBS'ers boarding Wordforge is playing. Audience gasps and cheers as Wordforge explodes, and we hear murmers of "Kewl explosion, dude" and "Whoa" are heard.
TimOfNine: Pause! I said PAUSE! (movie stops on a freeze frame of Elwood) Warning for not pausing fast enough! (slaps flunky) Now...behold the quintessential perpetrator in these matters, Elwood, renegade and terrorist!
Phantom (comes in): What you say could be true, from a certain point of view.
TimOfNine: And what point of view would that be?
Phantom: The point of view of a deranged lunatic?
TimOfNine: Warning for flaming!
Phantom: Do you deny that we are outside your jurisdiction? Do you deny that your people picked a fight with Elwood in an attempt to download the GeneBBS Device? Do you deny that you have a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth?
TimofNine: We deny nothing! (mouth works for a moment) We have the right to defend our board!
Phantom: Yes, but do you have the right to pick your nose?
Alphaman (bangs gavel): Gentlemen, there will be no further outbursts from the floor. Ambassador Phantom, Elwood has been charged with several parking tickets and a lot of violations of the Inter-BBS Council Code of Ethics.
TimofNine: That's outrageous! He said something bad about Enterprise in MY FORUM! He must be executed! (waves wildly) There will be no peace so long as Elwood lives! (glares as women in the audience sigh in relief)

Cut to: A big computer terminal. Cass is there, answering questions.
Computer: How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? (Cass types answer) Correct! Identify the object on this screen.
Cassandra: Soma smiley.
Computer: Correct! What is the average speed of a European swallow? (Cass types answer) Correct! What is the first law of Diacanudynamics?
Cassandra: "Nothing that nerdy exists"
Computer: Correct! Would you like a piece of apple pie?
Cassandra:
Computer: Would you like a piece of apple pie?
Cassandra:
Garamet (enters room): Trouble, Cassandra?
Cassandra: I do not understand the question.
Garamet: The retraining of your mind has been in the European school of values. However, I am concerned that it is leaving your knowledge base unbalanced. You mustn't ignore your American side.
Cassandra: I...try not to, because you deem it of some hopefully very minor importance.
Garamet: Would you say that one should go charging in recklessly to accomplish a good deed even though you lie to the public about the reason for it?
Cassandra: Er, no. That would be stupid.
Garamet: Then you stand here as part of a mistake, commited by your flawed, reckless, and rather heavily armed American friends.
Cassandra: Americans are often heavily armed and reckless and prone to mistakes.
Garamet: They are indeed. So you're still planning on going with them?
Cassandra: I go to bear testimony.
Garamet: You do this out of friendship?
Cassandra: Actually, I'm hoping to get Rucker in trouble.

Cut To: The Titanic
Vandy: Elwood, I wish to inform you of Baba's death.
Elwood: Uh, I already know he's dead...
Vandy: Admiral, Baba died most pitifully...
Elwood (looks at watch): Look, Lieutenant, we have a departure here...
Vandy: He was stabbed in the back, crying out for rep and whispering your name...
Elwood: Uh, gee, yeah, that does sound kinda bad...(looks at watch again)
Vandy: And there was blood all over the ground...the horror, the horror...
Elwood: O-kay, uh, Lieutenant, how about sending me an e-mail with the details.
Vandy: Of course. (turns to Cassandra, raises hand in European salute) Good day, Captain. May your journey be free of inconvenience, and may your socialist benefits always increase.
Cassandra: Peace and soccer victories unto you, Lieutenant.
Storm: Elwood...are we sure about taking her along? After all, she just got her mind where it belongs?
Cassandra: Storm has negrepped me 150 times in the last hour, at a rate of approximately 2.453 per minute.
Storm:
Elwood: Nothing wrong with your memory, Cass. (To Crew) let's go home!

Cut To: Server Station. Mysterious Space Thing Approaches, still going, "Wah. Grr. Wah. Grr." We see lights go dark and scenes of people in station going glassy eyed and sinking to their knees. Then Space Thing moves into orbit. Wah. Grr. Wah. Grr. Result of all this is ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS, tidal waves washing over mountains, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

Cut To: Server Headquarters, where President Alphaman and Ambassador Phantom are monitoring the situation.
NAHTMM: Mr. President! There's a report of a huge marshmellow man tearing up New York!
Flashlight (yelling at screen): I don't care if shipping has been totally disrupted...I need that blow up doll STAT!
Alphaman: I'm sorry you seem to be trapped here, Mr. Ambassador
Phantom: It was inevitable that I would be on the no-fly list. The matter has since been straightened out. (wipes blood off hands with handkerchief). The situation appears to be deteriorating. Perhaps you should start squealing and whining for help. While we still have time.

TO BE CONTINUED

Ooo, and I'm in this one! Got a line and stuff!

I finally get a line in one of these things, and it's predictably in relation to a blow-up doll

Yeah, what's more, it was JohnM's line.

Well, if I'm supposed to be Checkov, he gets some good scenes in this sequel.
And I get my revenge, I survive until the 7th movie.

Hey, wait... I'm the sweaty Ethiopian guy who gets on the TV and talks about that SolAR sail? :-?

COOL!