Wordforge VI: The Undiscovered Forum, New, part IV!

Wordforge: The Undiscovered Forum, part IV

(On the planet Slipstream)

Elwood: Damn, it’s cold here. (looks around at wasteland of ice and snow)
Albert: Meh. Typical summer for Nebraska if you ask me. Doesn’t look like it’s going to be so bad…
(Guards emerge from underground bunker, dragging half-naked prisoner)
Prisoner: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
(Guards sneer, take bag of marijuana away from prisoner)
Hambil: Ah, new prisoners! Welcome to the penal colony of Slipstream BBS! Work hard, and we’ll beat you and underfeed you. Work less – we take your marijuana away and make you do community service!
Albert: Oh, fuck.
(The prisoners are led into a cave. Elwood bumps into a huge troll-like alien)
Elwood: Uh…hi?
Stiffler: Neg! Nyuck nyuck!
(sexy girl comes up)
Girl: He’s asking you if you want to join the Brotherhood of Trolls.
Elwood: Sure, why not?
Stiffler: Cojones! Woo woo! Nyuck!
Girl: He wants to know if he can have your balls for supper.
Elwood: Uh…
Girl: Wise guy! Ruff! Ruff!
Stiffler: Nyuck?
Girl: Woo woo!
(Stiffler grunts, walks away)
Elwood: Uh, thanks, I guess.
Girl: That’s okay, Captain Elwood.
Elwood: How do you know who I am?
Girl: We don’t get many Wordforgers here, Captain. (French kisses Elwood, walks away)
Elwood:
Albert: Christ. You’re as bad as Scruff.
Elwood: I think you’re right. It won’t be so bad here after all.

(Aboard the Wordforge)
Diacanu: I don’t understand how we’re going to find a pair of Texas Cowboy Boots here in the galley.
Anna: We must search everywhere, Commander.
Diacanu: Yeah, but couldn’t the bad guys have just vaporized the boots with something?
Anna: You mean like this? (turns to cupboard, opens it, takes out minigun and opens up on a big bowl of pudding, splattering it all over the walls. Alarms go off)
TheLurker: Has someone been shooting a minigun in here???
Anna:
Cassandra: Obviously the boots could not have been destroyed by a minigun, or the alarms would have gone off.
Diacanu: I’m not following your logic…
Cassandra: Of course you aren’t.
TheLurker: Captain Cassandra, I came looking for you – HQ is demanding we return to Earth.
Nick: Who the hell has been shooting pudding in here? (glares at walls)
Cassandra: Ah. Nick. Have you completed repairs to the database?
Nick: There’s nothing wrong with the database –
Cassandra: Nick, if there is no problem with the database, then we’ll have to return to base, and abandon the Captain and Dr. Albert to their fate.
Nick: Uh…and?
Cassandra: And then I’ll be the Captain of the ship.
Nick: Okay. I have to go.
TheLurker: Where are you going?
Nick: I have a sudden urge to urinate on the database.

(Back on Planet Slipstream)
Girl: (lights cigarette) That was nice, Captain. Now I feel most relaxed.
Elwood: (lights up cigarette) Thank you. Would you like to go again?
Girl: Maybe later, Captain – there’s only so many games of checkers a girl has in her.
Elwood:
Girl: I do have another proposition for you – I know a way out. Would you like to help me escape?
Elwood: How can I trust you? I don’t even know your name.
Girl: Call me…Tee.
Elwood: Fair enough. How are we going to escape?
Girl: Report for mining duty in the morning. (Kisses Elwood) See you then.
Elwood: So Al, still think we’re fucked?
Albert: Given that you just had a hot chick in your bed and you only played checkers – one of us is REALLY fucked.

(Aboard the Wordforge)
Nick: I found the boots, Captain!
Cassandra: Excellent. Where were they?
Nick: In the Cowboy Boot Locker.
Cassandra: Just as I elucidated.
Nick: Elucidating? I didn’t even know you were nursing…
Cassandra: Who do the boots belong to?

(A few minutes later)
Diacanu: Are you crewman Tex?
Tex: Ah reckon I am crewman Tex.
Diacanu: We have old Maine saying – if boot fits, wear it, ayuh.
TheLurker: (cough, points)
(Diacanu looks down, sees Tex is wearing pink ballet slippers)
Diacanu: I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?

(On the planet Slipstream)
Elwood: Where’s my chick?
Big Burly Alien: Here.
Elwood:
Albert: I told you never to use those beer bottle goggles I bought you.
Big Burly Alien: Don’t worry, Captain, I won’t tell everyone how bad you are at checkers.
(They trudge through the mines, end up on the surface. They trudge on, through the cold, until they make camp at a sheltered valley)
Elwood: Isn’t it time to tell me who you are?
Alien (shifts back to hot sexy female alien): My name’s Trinity. I was sent here to help get you out of prison.
Albert: Oh, this story is NEVER gonna get old!
Elwood: Wait a second – if you could shapeshift….
Trinity: I don’t shapeshift. I’m bodily ambivalent.
Elwood: Ambi…ambi…hell, I can’t even say it.
Trinity: (turns and smacks Albert. Albert goes flying into nearby rock, knocked cold. From somewhere a Siberian snow chihuaha comes up and starts licking his face)
Elwood: So now I guess it’s time for your betrayal.
Trinity: Of course. It’s what I do. (changes shape to Elwood)
Elwood: I can’t believe I played checkers with you.
Elwood-Trinity: Oh believe me, when I’m done I’m going to give you a new definition of the word “go fuck yourself”.
Hambil: hahahahaha!
Elwood-Trinity: Shoot him, Hambil!
Elwood: No! Shoot him!
Elwood-Trinity: No, him!
Elwood: No, shoot him! He shapeshifts into females!
Elwood-Trinity: I told you, stupid human, I am bodily ambivalent! (looks at Hambil) Oh sh…(is vaporized.)
Hambil: Now it is time to shoot you. Attempted escape.
Elwood: (looks down as remains of Trinity) Ya know, I kinda wish you would…just tell me, who ordered my death?
Hambil: Since you are to die, and since Tamar Garish will find out anyway, I will tell you…it was…
(Elwood and Albert start dematerializing)

(TO BE CONTINUED)