How you can tell if YOU are gay.

If you're a man, and:

You spend as much or more time on your appearance than female acquaintances. Remember, testes begin to atrophe after 5 minutes in front of the mirror.

You spend more money on clothing and cosmetics than tools and car care products.

You've EVER bought an $80 pair of pants.

You polish your shoes and you're not in law enforcement or the military.

You have even one practiced dance routine.

You color your hair. Any part of your hair, on any part of your body.

Your toiletries consist of more than toothpaste, toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, soap, deodorant and maybe shampoo.

You worry about gray hair and/or wrinkles.

You've ever used a tanning bed or "simulated tan" products.

You hang curtains without being coerced by a woman.

You care if your furniture matches.

You've ever referred to your car as "cute," especially if that influenced your decision to purchase it.

Your car is cute.

You let other men stick their pee pee in your bumhole.

Considering that 95% of the equipment in my tool chest (mere boxes are not manly enough) has Snap-On written on it, I don't think that'll ever be a problem.

Oh shit!!!





Thank god its only in Bizzaro Uncle Albert World.

Oh, and I'd like to add that if you've ever, EVER had a manicure or a pedicure, you're gayer than when gay came to Gayville.

Mewa's cover is blown.

Shit, did I just say "blown"?

BACK! BACK!!

You don't just wear Star Trek shirts for halloween.

You care what Uncle Albert thinks of you.

Maybe if I go to the Salvation Army and try to get back the clothes I donated I could meet up to Uncle Alberts standards.

If you think for a second I'm not putting a protective layer of polish on these babies, you obviously don't know how much a good pair of boots cost!

Well obviously NOW I don't have to worry about product for my hair, but I used to keep some on me when I had long hair.

And I keep tweezers and fingernail clippers in my bag as well.

Ya damn right I have my gf pull out the occasional gray hair. I'm too young for that shit!

Guilty. As a redhead it is useful to have a good base tan before summer. Otherwise the first few weeks are spent looking like a lobster.
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Do you get a bye if you tell them not to shave off the callouses b/c you need them for rucking?

Nah. Those close were probably too expensive and pretty, too.

Did they cost more than your bikini wax?

What the fuck is "rucking"? Is that like prison rape for infantry grunts?

Yes, I've done a few of the things on Albertina's arbitrary list.

I'm sure he has as well, and is just too ashamed to admit it.

One time I caught this bum wearing my old trench coat. He was quite stylish that day.

That's the Seven Diamonds shirt ($100 a pop) my brother got me for Xmas last year from Good Will for $5.

And the NUMBER ONE way to tell if YOU are gay is...

If you've ever started an internet forum thread on how to tell if YOU are gay!

Since you asked, I don't wax down there. Just shave the balls and shaft and then trim the rest.

And you don't want to know how much the boots cost.

Actually, yes.

I will argue these points:

1) If you ever work outside the call center you may realize that a nice suit has pants that cost more than $80.

2) Apparently Mewa and other black people have learned some jig called the Cha Cha slide... I can't lump all black people who can dance into the gay catagory.

3) Cologne has helped me get a girl on more than one occasion. I also like mouthwash and floss, call me crazy but I think fresh breath is important to straight men.

4) Clearly you haven't had to sleep in a room with windows facing east. Try and waking up at 7AM with the sun in your eyes on weekends. Fuck that, I'll hang my curtains and feel good using my craftsman tools to do it.

5) Not all men carry on your fantasy of living in some sort of concrete dome/underground bunker. I like my matching furniture, it looks good and it's probably more comfortable than that cheap ikea couch you have at your place.

You listen to the Village People or Carlos Santana.

No, but could you love me if I did?

Oh, and UA, you forgot one big sign of being a gay man:

If your regular drink order in a bar ends in "tini." *

*this rule does not apply to drinks ordered as a joke to embarrass a fellow beer/whiskey drinking male.

I guess I've never had to get past the rope barrier at a gay bar.

How big was her adam's apple?

Plus, now your boyfriend won't be ashamed to invite his mother over.

And for the record, the couch I use most frequently is a 20 year old hand-me-down we got for free and smells like a scrotum soaked in bong water.

If you go to Mister Roger's Church.

Wait, aren't you the Appletini master? :tex:

Your wife must be far, far away from the board.

You've also never been invited to sit in on a board meeting.

Smelling good isn't a bad thing, try harder.

You'll have to ask Flow if it embarr... er... uh... you're gay!

Did you miss the *?

Ok, watching this has been entertaining so far but now I have a question:

The cologne thing is SOOOO true. I'm more apt to talk to, approach, or flirt with a man that smells good. Not a man that smells like an Abercrombie-Man-Whore, but one who has some nice smelling cologne LIGHTLY misted on him. Preferably the neck/chest area.

Do you seriously not wear cologne UA, or are you just stomping through this thread in your usual manner?

Uncle Albert is doing all the right things to keep gay men away from him.

And gay women.


And straight women.

And straight men.

Good job!!

He wears Pink Skin. Federation approved scent.