Fleet Admiral Carson Tower

Perhaps this should be locked. Dayton3 is gone.

He's not as long as Carson Tower lives on.

oops.

I'm sure we can steal something from the least-loved TOS episode "Spock's Brain" to save Carson from this literary cul-de-sac.

Perhaps the brain of a chupacabra. Too soon?

With a cameo appearance by Marty Feldman as the brain-bank clerk.

I'm going to bring the episode count up to 100 in order to more easily facilitate syndication.

#97 - Gay's Anatomy Part II

Dr. Maison sat behind the desk in his office as Diagnosis Bot-2763, Diagnosis Bot-3318 and Diagnosis Bot-3694 sat before him.

"Human subject Carson Tower. Diagnosis: Anencephaly. DOES NOT COMPUTE", exclaimed Diagnosis Bot-3318.

"Don't let your logic circuits overload", Dr. Maison warned. "There's a logical, scientific explanation".

"DATUM: Anencephaly precludes the ability to speak and control motor functions. DATUM: Private Carson Tower is able to speak and move. CONCLUSION: Anencephaly diagnosis incorrect. EXCEPTION: Scans indicate Carson Tower has no brain. PROPOSAL: Fundascopic examination" said Diagnosis Bot-3694.

"Fundascopic examination would be unrevealing in this case", Dr. Maison opined.

"Requesting. Permission. To perform. Trepanning procedure." said Diagnosis Bot-2763.

"Drilling holes in his head isn't the answer", Dr. Maison replied. "But, I like your style. Let's do this".

The team opens a burr hole into Tower's skull to see what is going on in there and a puff of smoke comes out from the hole. It is revealed that alien mold had taken root on Tower's brain stem and had grown into a network of inter-connected cells that communicate through spore transmission. The condition is not totally unheard of and is known as Dayton-Kitchens Syndrome. Dr. Maison muses about writing a paper on Carson Tower and begins to drool. Then he starts feeling like he wants to destroy other cultures in the name of Jesus.

"What's happening to me?", Dr. Maison asks his diagnosis team. Before they can answer, a collision is heard outside. Dr. Maison runs to the spaceport window and sees a shuttlecraft that had rear-ended one piloted by an old lady. The other shuttlecraft quickly sped off. Elsewhere in the medical facility, doctors and patients alike begin acting irrationally and with a huge sense of entitlement and self-satisfaction.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Dr. Maison. "We've all become infected!"

As the crew continue to devolve to subhuman levels Dr Maison is bewildered to notice a plethora of chicken coops cropping up throughout the station. They are, almost without exception, devoid of occupants other than an ever growing army of gay porn magazines. The crew carry on undeterred making the school football team bend over to build more coops and supervising very closely from a sternwards vantage point.

Mystified he searches the federation database for any explanation for the explosion of magazines and quickly determines that they are multiplying at an exponential rate and seemingly not only have started to reproduce assexually but have their own own genetic make up containing elements of tree, human and tribble DNA.

"What have you done man?" He gasped in sheer horror as a group of crew members passed by behind him posing as police officers but looking suspiciously like members of the Village People, "Was it an experiment into the underlying nature of life with a view to establishing how we are all truly a galactic family or was it just your situational homosexuality again? How many times do you need to be told to kill the tribble before using it to wipe the stains off your spank mags?"

Picking up a copy from the nearest coop he found himself momentarily disorientated. In between a picture of some oiled up young men and an article on the latest research into donkey pheromones there was something unexpected. A series of dots representing integers from one to ten.

He picked up a newer, fresher, magazine and sure enough, there were the prime numbers in dot form. Curious now he waited for a brand new magazine to be born and checked, knowing what to expect. There it was, a full solution for the Reimann hypothesis.

"My God, they're developing intelligence" he realised in awe. "We're seeing the Creation of sentient life and Carson Tower is its' God......"

Indeed.

Yeah. I agree.