FUCK AIM!

I use AOL Instant Messenger. I have for about 10 years. Two days ago, my password stopped working. In an instant. I had to reboot my computer because of an installation problem (AIM wasn't even running at the time) and now I get 'Invalid Password'. No problemo, I'll just go in and change my password.

WRONG, YOU POOR BASTARD THAT IS MY PAST SELF!

Because now, somehow, there's a SECURITY question to get a new password sent to my account. Only problem is, I never ANSWERED such a question or activated the measure. But it's there, waiting for me:

"What is your favorite town?"

I smiled, unknowing what was to come. 'Why, surely it's Fresno, my hometown and place of my birth!'

NOT A CHANCE, LOSER!

Confused, I wonder when this question was answered. 'Perhaps Davis, where I went to college?'

YOU POOR SCHMUCK, NO!

Boston? my favorite 'big city' to visit?

YOUR FAILURE MAKES ME STRONGER!

Clovis? Where my Grandfather lives?

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T NOTICE YOUR FAILURE OVER MY DIGITAL DOUCHEBAGGERY

I tried a few more cities, unsuccessfully. Then it locked up, because I'd had so many failed attempts I couldn't try again for 24 hours. I figured I'd call AIM's customer support and they'd square it away for me.

Fun Fact: AIM doesn't have a customer support line. Seriously. You can call AOL, and they'll tell you with a straight face that AOL and AIM are two separate companies. When I pointed out to the woman on the other end that the 'A' in 'AIM' stands for 'AOL' which stands for 'America On Line' which is the name on the side of her building, she only sighed and repeated the party line. I'm not sure, but I think I heard the click of a Glock 9 mm next to her head, she must have been under duress.

AIM has a DELIGHTFULLY helpful website that will walk you through the 'change password' process. It's set up for people who apparently don't know how to use a computer and/or read at a 3rd grade level. I always find it hilarious when tech support companies refer you to their online guides. Sure, it might help SOME people, but chances are if I'm calling you it's because the computer side of things isn't panning out. At any rate, after two hours, eighty-five minutes of which I was on hold, I came to conclude my AIM account is lost.

I will never again log in as 'Chewbacca95', a screen name which seemed so witty in 1996. 'Haha! I like Star Wars, and cutting-edge computery is Window 95! I shall COMBINE THE TWO!' Such was my youthful genius and naivette, so confident that I was creating something of lasting permanence in the ephemeral and still-pristine landscape of cyberspace. The tiny sappling that was my screen-name grew great and strong, connected to social networks and nourished by the mighty rivers of discourse that were Myspace, Facebook, and LinkedIn (which I only used once, it really sucks too). And then, as suddenly as it manifested one day, so long ago, it was gone. To the hobgoblins of automated processes and data loss, Chewbacca95 will never again chime with glad tidings for me. Never again will a rarely-thought-of friend pop in just to say 'hi'.

Chewbacca95 told me when my older brother got engaged. It told me when one of my best friends died in an auto-accident. It told me that my cousin's twin girls were each healthy and 7 pounds at birth. It brought me so much, and carried me so well through the internet, I have but a single regret; Chewbacca95 never told me what it's favorite city was. I'll keep guessing, but there's a lot to choose from and I can only try 6 guesses a day.

If anyone needs me, the name is now CaptainChewie95

 

More AOL asshattery, what a surprise.

 

Glocks don't click. She must have had something with an external hammer.

 

Here I thought you had traded in your handguns for a 12 gauge.

 

That was my thought as well--this would be a gun porn thread about that full-auto 12 gauge.

 

Shoulda just PM'd me

 

It's not just AOL

I had a very similar experience with my g-mail account.

Eventually had to abaondon it because there was never any real person I could talk to.

1 minutewith an operator who could see the account and i could have listed off 10 or 12 emails there to prove it was mine....but dealing with a machine, I never had a chance.

Eventually had to just abandon it and start a new account.

 

AIM is like AT&T for pedophiles.

 

You do have to remember that you get what you pay for - there really isn't any support for free software outside of the online community and the goodness of people's hearts.

 

I thought this was a thread about peeing on the toilet seat.

 

AIM?