Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
That one reminds me of something: [?="Why does a dog cross the road?"]Q: Why does a dog cross the road? A: Because it's too far to go around.[/?] [?="Why does a possum cross the road?"]Q: Why does a possum cross the road? A: To show you he's got guts.[/?]
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
I kike, a nigger, and a chink go into a bar; bartender looks up and says, "hey you, get the fuck out!" And yes, I just got done watching Gran Torino for the second time.
A preacher, a drunk, and an engineer are about to be executed via guillotine. First up is the preacher - the executioner asks him if he wants to die face up or down. The preacher tells him that he's been praying with his eyes toward heaven for many years, so he'll die face up looking toward God. The blade falls, but suddenly stops halfway. The executioner thinks it's a sign from God, and sets him free with a pardon. Now it's the drunk's time. He says he's spent his life in the gutter staring up at disgusted citizens, so he'll die that way too. Again, the blade stops short! The executioner thinks this is more than a coincidence, something Godly is happening, and the drunk is freed. Last up is the engineer, and while he's not religious, he knows a good thing when he sees it. So, he decides to die face up too - what's he got to lose? The blade again hangs up and the engineer points and shouts: "HEY! I see it! There's your problem right there!"
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. The one nun says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car!!!"
Two nuns are about to leave on a road-trip to Vatican City. Sister Maria is looking distressed, and says to Sister Clara "I really, really wish you would do all the driving!" Sister Clara replies "what's the problem? You don't trust my praying?"
A reporter once asked a Marine sniper, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The sniper shrugged and answered, "Recoil."
Q: What's the difference between Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston? A. One is the Queen of Soul and the other is a dead crackhead.
An elderly man has hearing problems so he goes to his doctor. The doctor gets him set up with a hearing aid. The man goes back to the doctor ,who asks if his family is pleased . The man says that has not told them, but he has changed his will three times.
Here's one the Canadians will appreciate: Alien spaceship lands on Newfoundland, spots a little Newfie fisherman on the strand at Torbay, mending his nets and singing: I's the b'y that builds the boat And I's the b'y that sails her I's the b'y that catches the fish And brings them home to Liza. Aliens beam him aboard to study him. Commander of the spaceship orders his surgeons to remove 25% of the Newfie's brain to see how it will alter his behavior. The little Newfie wakes up, smiles, and starts to sing: I's the b'y that builds the boat And I's the b'y that sails her... Alien commander orders his surgeons to remove another 25% of the man's brain. Newfie wakes up, smiles, and sings: I's the b'y that builds the boat And I's the b'y that sails her... Really annoyed now, the alien commander orders that another 25% of the man's brain be removed. Newfie wakes up, smiles, and - you guessed it: I's the b'y that builds the boat And I's the b'y that sails her... Alien commander is furious by now. Orders his surgeons to remove the rest of the man's brain. Newfie wakes up, smiles, and starts to sing: Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques...
A man helps a drunk up at a bar and offers to take him home. On the way to the car, the drunk falls down three times. As they walk up to his house, he falls down four more times. After ringing the bell, the man says, "Here's your husband!" The drunk's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A young man called the phone operator: "Hello, operator. I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated and then said, "Well, most people call me Iceman."
