Keeping it together for the kids: Is it worth it?

In your opinion, is it in a child's best interest for their parents to be together no matter what the circumstances are between the parents?

No matter what? Of course not.

Yep, its beter that families stay together. The kids will turn out better, the precentages don't lie.

I didn't want to give any details because I don't want to color the poll responses, but I am earnestly seeking guidance from my elders on this matter.

I think it's important to ask yourself, "Would I want my child, when they grow up, to stay in a marriage like this?"

Children take cues from the their parents about what's normal in a relationship.

That's one of those questions that can't be answered 'in general'

It depends on what type of problems are in the marriage. If it's a bona fide abuse situation, that's one thing. Everything else, it's a matter of working your way through it.

Changes the situation entirely.

To which percentages are you referring?

Frontline really nailed it, although I'd propose one addendum: There are situations in which it's not a case of immaturity, nor of abuse, but simply a bad match. Just because there's civility in the home doesn't mean that there's any genuine love and affection, and that's necessary for a kid's emotional well-being.

If it's an "emotional stalemate", I think it's in the best interest of the kids that mismatched parents go their separate ways. At the very least, some distance is conducive to clearer heads, and removing that "familiarity breeds contempt" inevitability, in addition to going a long way to repair the friendship that predicated the marriage.

Much better that the parents separate than to expose their children to all of the possible unpleasantries which staying together "for the kids" might bring.

I think it happens a lot more than rarely (although we might just have different perceptions on the matter).

Seems that a lot of people are rushing into marriage/serious commitment. So many people are getting married/having kids after relatively short courtships. You know, they've got great physical chemistry, and they just assume that this will translate into a great relationship after the commitments have been made. This leaves them totally unprepared to have the emotional reserves to withstand idiosyncrasies like residual bachelor behavior (and you know of what I speak), or, for instance, having to endure the full fury of severe PMS. People who are really "in love", I believe, don't love each other in spite of their foibles, but because of them. Even in these little mundane adversities, there is something endearing about your beloved.

Those who've rushed to those commitments haven't really wrapped their brains around the challenges which aren't ever going to abate, and they can't handle it.

They were bad matches which had very intense and pleasurable preambles. Some manifest themselves in abuse, some in a very unremarkable "status quo", simply going through the motions while quietly resenting the situation in which they're stuck.

I would agree that some of those folks just need to butch-up and put some effort into the relationship. The rest just rushed in where angels fear to tread, learned all too late what that fear was all about, and no amount of work is going to remedy those ills.

Too bad that there's not a "cooling off" period for cohabitation decisions and marriage licenses.

Three examples:

My sister stayed with her husband, who she was going to divorce, because she got pregnant a third time. 15 years later they finally divorced. She'd been miserable the whole time. The husband skipped out on child support.

My sister's oldest son is trying to hold a brutally bad marriage together because he doesn't want his kids to go thru what he went thru. Meanwhile his wife is causing so much pain and misery that the oldest child (11) says they'd be better off without her, and misses the month she was in jail on drug and theft charges.

My best friend's marriage went sour after his wife's parents died and she had some kind of manic/depressive breakdown because of it. He's not miserable, but he's not happy, and he says he's holding it together only for the kids at this point. They're 5. He says when they're 18, if the wife hasn't gotten better (yes, they're trying) all bets are off.

FWIW

I wouldn't say I exactly rushed into the situation I'm in- been together nearly 5 years, living together for over a year and had a kid about 7 months ago- but it seems like all major changes in our lives (with the exception of Jacob's birth) were planned to try and make the relationship better, which they haven't.

I probably should've bailed two years ago, but then I was still hopeful about change and seeing it through. Now there just isn't anything left between us and the only time we can stand each other is when we are in the same room and ignoring each other.

I feel like I need to add that just because I'm considering tossing in the towel on the relationship in no way means I'm ditching my son. I'll do everything I can for the little drooly monster and being with his mother has just proven to be more difficult than originally planned. There is no physical abuse, but the constant yelling arguements and slamming doors it just... reminds me of my parents and I don't know why they stayed together as long as they did, in fact they were both better off and happier people (and more fun to be around) when they seperated.

Obviously that last bit colors my perspective on the matter, which is why I wanted opinions that didn't take into account my situation.

It's worth pointing out that waiting to divorce until the kids turn 18 (or leave for college) doesn't mean divorcing wont still effect them when it finally happens, especially if they find out you'd wanted to do it much earlier.

A couple can separate without one abandoning the kids. So what if you get divorced. You can still be there for your kids.

And for the men. Maybe they could consider custody of the child or half of the brood.

People have this picture in their head of men totally leaving after a divorce. The kids even think Daddy is going away forever.

Now that my kid is big, she fully understands why me and her mother broke up. But her mother and I stayed on point for the kid. Its done so well that my kid sometimes wishes it wasn't that way. We do everything together for the kid.

All the years she has been in school the teachers got the image of two parents that were together. Together for the kid.

My kid would have been all messed up if she had to witness our bullshit year after year.

Kids are resilient. They can take a lot. Just get ready for court ordered child support. Once you leave all her friends will tell her to go to court. Doesn't matter if you take good care of the kid and buy stuff. She's gonna want CASH on a regular basis.

When and if you do break up. NEVER GIVE HER CASH. Either use your check book or buy money orders. Trust me. You are gonna need to show that you support your child. Cash can't be proven.

Dude, you better start thinking about YOU.

My last two years was hell. It affected my health. Then after the break-up...minor depression. But it was better than living with someone that is driving me crazy. But I had my kid every other weekend and summer vacation and alternate holidays. Plus volunteering at her school and meeting all her friends.

That is exaclty what I was worried about- you can't quantify what I do for my child, but courts will be more than happy to allow her to take my money.

A very good point, and I should probably mention it to him. On the other hand, he's determined that the kids should have a "normal childhood." It sounds like the household is not unpleasant and the adults are keeping their troubles from affecting the kids as best they can. Plus, he thinks he needs to keep an eye on the wife because she's already had an episode where she almost got violent with their daughter. I guess logistically the easiest thing is to stay married and stay living together. But one day he said to me "Ya know how they say some people just aren't supposed to be married? I think I'm one of them." To which I of course said "NOW you think of this?!"

I don't have any general rules here, because I'm frankly too emotional whenever I see the question. For my two cents, I just screamed "Yes! I wish they had divorced instead of putting me through that shit every day!" at the screen.

My mum wishes and wishes her parents had split up earlier. She has memories of my grandmother packing her suitcase time and time again, going to the door, saying she would leave, and my mum would be there crying, asking her not to leave forever, whilst my grandparents had a shouting match. My mum would either be involved in the arguments, being forced to take sides, or listening to them shouting and demeaning each other, watching both of them be desperately unhappy.

But my grandmother was Irish Catholic, it was probably bad enough that she married an Englishman, and it was really tough on her being told by her relatives in Ireland, and some friends, that she was a terrible wife for divorcing, she hadn't tried hard enough, etc etc. They broke up when my mum was in uni (about 18), and doing her best to spend all her time away from home, and her younger brother and sister would have been about 16 and 14 or something, I think.

Her only reaction when they got a divorce was "finally".

Statistics don't mean shit. (of course, I bet they don't assess each parent individually, to see if they would have messed them up whatever happened). What matters is that you're bringing your kids up in a healthy environment. And kids pick up on more than you realise, when you're at home, you can't keep up a rock solid happiness facade 24/7. Your son won't want to come home to arguments or "civil" conversations, and I imagine you don't want to create that as a standard.

If it's not working now, it won't work later. It's not like you haven't tried. So go through the ugly (if it will be) breakup now, and get to a better, mutual understanding relationship before your son develops a longterm memory.

Jesus Christ, Mewa, you're a banker and you've never heard of getting her to sign a reciept?!?

When I was younger and my parents were still together, hearing them fight almost on a daily basis did more harm than good. Having to deal with my father being mad because of my mom, having to deal with my mom being because of my dad. Eventually one or the other would somehow take it out on my brother or myself.

When I was in 8th grade, my younger brother asked my mom if she would divorce my dad. It was getting to the point where they were arguing every night, constantly not talking to each other, and somehow involving Drew and me. So he just randomly asked if she would divorce him.

And she did, she knew that she needed to. Because it was only hurting her and us. After the divorce, about a year later, she was much happier and you could tell.

I'm really thankful that my parents divorced, because I don't think that I could deal with it too much longer. I mean, when they would fight, I would go to my room and throw a pillow over my head. I remember my dad was talking about leaving once and he went out to his car and I came screaming after him begging him to stay.

So, do I think that's it's better to stay together for the kids? No. If there's no love in the house or there's constant fighting(and I mean fighting, not bickering)-the one of the two parents should get out.

Very situational, but I'd say in your case, it might make more sense to end it, while staying in the kids life. A divorce when the kid is that young won't have a direct negative impact on him unless it is coupled with abandonment. But if he grows up in an unhappy household, that probably will harm his social development.

When a parent doesn't want to be there, yet is forced to stay out of obligation only, there is not much good that can come of it.

My parents should have divorced and did not. My childhood and teenage years were hellish at times...and it isn't because they spent day and night fighting...they mostly avoided each other or treated each other like friends...but because my Dad took out his shit on me instead...in obvious and sometimes very subtle ways. I also had to deal with certain things I shouldn't have had to because of it.

I don't really want to go into great details of my situation, but the best advice I can give you is to try and imagine you are your child and take all that love you have for them and imagine the kind of life you want for them, because no matter how young they are, you would be surprised how much they understand about the emotions around them, even if they can't voice or interpret them in any adult manner. The choices you make not only dictate their immediate living environment, but will inform the choices they will make for themselves someday, for good and bad.

As a parent, you have to give them what they need and not necessarily what they may want. But if you do leave, you must not abandon them. You can be a good Dad and still very present, even if you don't live with them.

Kids crave stability from their parents.

In general they aren't particularly concerned if their parents are happy or not.

Really? And here I was thinking that kids loved their parents.

Also, isn't unhappy and arguing, okay one minute but seeing one parent storm out the next threatening to leave, LESS stable than "I get two lots of presents at christmas, and I have a routine when I get see both"?

Oh, and what's the chance that you could get custody? Would you WANT custody?