Kommander's Check-in Thread

Seeing as how @His Grace Faceman the Duke of Wordforge isn't the boss of me, I'm going to check in periodically so you guys know I haven't been kidnapped by Trump's Stormtroopers.

I made it home safely today. I did encounter a police officer, but she was just picking up food from the restaurant I was waiting at and I didn't get tear gassed or anything. I'll probably be at home until tomorrow afternoon, and I should be safe unless they start raiding houses.

You can relax for now. Der Drumpfenfuhrer decided to infest Albuquerque instead. He's ascared of Detroit.

Rampant lawlessness! Never mind, Trump is absolutely right and he needs to send federal agents to Chicago immediately.

I managed to sleep and then wake up without being harassed by federal agents. Also, as near as I can tell, I was not abducted by aliens either.

Too late, Faceman complained, so I have to do this for at least a few days.

If he switched from Detroit to Albuquerque, Trump must have just started watching Breaking Bad and he thinks it'll improve his approval ratings if he catches this Heisenberg guy.

It better not be aliens! I'm not racist, but, fuck those gray-skinned bastards and their love of anal probes!

Hey! Your trophy distribution license was revoked! Giving them to me doesn't change anything. Don't make me give you and anti-trophy!

(Note: A trophy distribution license is not necessary to award anti-trophies, so, have at it.)

Did they promise not to subject you to any more anal probes if you posted that?

Nah, I've never been abducted by aliens and am not saying this under duress. *blinks twice, slowly*

Anyway, I've decided I don't feel like working today, but I'll probably get some take-out or do some light grocery shopping later. Hopefully law enforcement doesn't mistake me for an Antifa person doing Antifa things while I'm at it.

I'm sure they'll be spending a lot of time at Los Pollos Hermanos...

I’m hearing reports that @Kommander was gassed.

The aliens use a psionic emitter to incapacitate abductees and to erase their memory, so no gas is needed.

I mean, aliens aren't real, I know nothing about them, and I'm definitely not a clone taking Kommander's place so no one notices he's gone for the next week.

Next you’re going to tell us you don’t look 12 years old.

No, I act like I'm 12. As far as looking 12, well, I suppose there are 12-year-olds who are over six feet tall, balding, and can grow full beards...

My bad. Thought you were going for a Stargate Asgardian abduction.

I blame the bovine growth hormones in the hamburders.

Oh yeah, that did happen on Stargate. I last binged Stargate shortly after Universe ended, so, like, 8 years ago? I thought maybe you meant to quote Federal Farmer because everyone thinks he's a teenager or something.

Anyway, that doesn't happen with real abduction clones, we're perfect replicas of the originals except we know all about the Reticulans and what they're up to. Humans think the sexual experiments are all about creating hybrids but in reality they...

I mean, I'm the real Kommander and aliens don't exist.

That’s exactly what a clone @Kommander would say.

So, I woke up in the middle of a field an hour ago. I don't remember anything that happened today and I wasn't wearing pants. But apparently, I was posting here.

What the hell did these federal agents do to me? And why did they have grey skin and giant, black eyes?

Somebody check on @Soma, see what he's been up to.

I’ll catch you up to speed. Nobody has posted this yet, but the mayor of Portland was gassed yesterday.

It was his own fault for standing behind me in the line for seconds, after that first big bowl of chili I had.

He should have increased the social distance to at least 20 feet...

are you dead yet? @Kommander

My employees hated me on Wednesday. Not thinking, I made a huge pot of chili Tuesday night. The men's bathroom shares a thin wall with my book keeper's office and the other wall is the break room. I played the Trumpet for her and those eating lunch quite a few times. Quite a few of them walked into noxious clouds that day when they would come back to the shop to ask me a question while I was at my bench.

You are in violation of the Geneva Conventions ban on chemical weapons.

No. I was not harassed by federal agents last night either.

I was abducted by aliens though. They were going to probe me but I killed them all and stole their spaceship.

Does anyone know how to land one of these things? I found and understand the controls for the probulator, but that doesn't help me with controlling or landing the spacecraft.

Are you sure you are not presently being harassed by federal agents who have drugged you to the point that you are hallucinating all of this? Or perhaps the aliens are just messing with your head and inputting this scenario to see what you will do with the spacecraft. In which case you should probably immediately use the probulator on faceman as obviously he is the key to all of this. I am mentally transmitting his location to you. Good luck and godspeed.

I'm not really sure any more, it's been a long time since I had to do that.

One thing I do know, though: Do not, under any circumstances, press that purple button labeled "kraltiren'di-shon". Do not! Please, do not!