Many Americans too fat to commit suicide

This should be an issue of GREAT concern

Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide


LOS ANGELES—A report published Monday in The New England Journal of Medicine warns that the nation's obesity epidemic has reached a new level of crisis, with many overweight Americans' increased girth rendering them physically unable to end their own, fat lives.





Americans who have no choice but to keep on living.



"We've known for some time that obesity can cause heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and other potentially life-threatening illnesses," said report author Dr. Marjorie Reese, director of UCLA's Obesity Pathology Clinic. "But the fact that obesity impedes suicide is truly troubling. It appears that the more reason people have to die, the less capable they are of doing so. They are literally trapped in their grotesque, blubbery bodies."

Of the one-third of Americans classified as obese, the report estimated 29 percent are too heavy, immobile, or both for suicide to be a viable option. This figure is up from 18 percent in 1996.
A full 70 pages of the report focus on suicide methods that are taken for granted by persons of normal weight but often present insurmountable challenges to their corpulent counter- parts.


For example, hanging oneself is most often out of the question. The report notes that a disturbing percentage of the obese are too large to ascend a footstool, too inflexible to kick it out from under them, and even if they could, are too heavy to remain atop it long enough to put their giant, flabby necks through a noose before the footstool shatters into splinters under their massive girth. Plus, as Reese writes, "even if all other variables were eliminated, the weight of these enormous individuals would probably break any indoor light fixtures or attic roof supports to which they might tie a rope."

Overdosing on narcotics is also impossible, according to Reese.
"Body fat absorbs toxins, so fat people simply cannot ingest enough bottles of sleeping pills to have any effect, much less stop their hearts," Reese said. "And slitting one's wrists in the bathtub is not an option if you can't find a butcher knife thick enough to reach the arteries under your rolls of wrist flab, or can't fit into the bathtub in the first place. All the self-loathing in the world is not going to help the obese get their meaty index fingers through the trigger guard, nor give them the flexibility to raise the pistol to their head. It's heartbreaking."


The report included detailed illustrations of extremely overweight people unable to bend over far enough to fit their heads into ovens, bobbing like corks while attempting to drown themselves, and becoming too winded scaling stairs to reach heights from which they could hurl their enormous bulk with fatal results. Another researcher at the Obesity Pathology Clinic has developed a computer model which demonstrates that even if the obese were able to jump off a skyscraper, their bodies would be "more likely to bounce than splat."

Yet health experts say that there is hope for these hulking individuals.
"The fat need to improve their eating habits and commit to a modest exercise regimen, even if it starts with just walking from room to room inside their houses," said Dianne Evans, a specialist at the Johns Hopkins Center for Public Health. "If they keep that up for six to 12 months, most of these people could lose enough weight to be able to kill themselves with relative ease."
But Evans warned that losing too much weight too fast could have serious repercussions.

"What you want to avoid is a situation where someone comes down from 320 pounds to 240 in the span of a single year, and suddenly does not have the suicidal urges they once did," said Evans, who explained that the "sweet spot" of self-hatred and physical suicidal ability is extremely small. "If they mistake their all-but-meaningless improvement for a legitimate reason to live, their fat, revolting lives may be prolonged indefinitely."

*sniff* *sniff*

I smell onions...

I'm of the belief that obesity is a tragic and misunderstood disease.




That's why I stay as far away from those fat fucks as I can, so I don't catch it.

If I was so fat I couldn't even commit suicide, I think I'd just kill myself...

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What? Are they too fat to jump off of a building or bridge? You'd think that the added weight would help them on their way down. Can't find the vein in your wrist with a razor blade? Use a Ginsu knife. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

• Bridge: too fat to climb over the railing
• Building: too fat to fit through the rooftop door
• Ginsu knife: too week to saw through initial layer of fat to get to the veins bellow

Now we know why Jenna is so pissed at everything!

It's a Ginsu. It'll cut through a tin can & still be razor sharp enough to slice through cellulite.

Even a ginsu requires application of pressure. I admit, this is a bit of a conundrum, but I have to assume the exertion required to cut through the first layer of blubber uses up all the energy available for wielding the knife.

That.. didn't take long.

One thing caveman knows - the government should be paying for these unfortunates who don't have the resources to end their own miserable existences.

They can't kill themselves due to a lack of imagination. They should try harder.

This is the greatest evidence needed for merciful assisted suicide, IMHO!

This rapidly degenerated into a rather disgusting thread over a bullshit article.

No matter how much people strive, people will always have their prejudices and bigotries and will always use humor to mask them.

^ So you're a fatty, eh?

You're projecting.

But he nailed you, didn't he? What are you, 450?

Stop hating yourself. Just get in touch with your inner transvestite.

Already have, she only comes out on Halloween though.

Ah, the old "no I'm not grotesque, just look at that guy!" trick? My clothing preferences are unfortunately not able to impact your eating habits.

You're still projecting your hatred of yourself onto me. Stop hating yourself and seek professional help man.

I think its funny that Just is lashing out at both of us for what amounts to a minor jibe that really can't be proven through the auspices of the intraweb.

Unless he's really pushing 400 and can't fit into those pretty pink dresses his mom used to make him wear.

I'd bet you are quite sexy in a dress. Those hips of yours are just screaming to be wrapped in a floral pattern.

Indeed, and quite pathetically mustered at that. He's using "I know you are but what am I," the earliest playground retort.

I'm forced to conclude that he is.

If only your wife hadn't forced me to give her my license plate # you could have SO found out.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

!

I think it'sfunny that you're getting hot under the collar for my responses since it's clear thet you really need psychological help for your own self hatred.

I'm just saying that you need it before you commit suicide. Think of your friends and family, the ones you love and the impact your suicide will leave when you're gone.

Stop dude, just stop, before you embarass yourself even more.

No rage here, right now I'm just trying to figure out if Mrs A really wants pics or if she'll just let me wear one of her outfits.

Techman died a few days ago and you are doing death jokes already? Have you ever heard of 'respect' or even 'giving it a few more days' till our mourning is at least a bit diluted?

Pathetic.