Wordforge: The Wrath Of T'Bonz, Part III

phantomofthenet · Jun 9, 2005

(Returning to the Bridge)
Elwood: So let me get this straight...they want US to surrender?
TheLurker: That's what the e-mail says.
Cassandra: They do seem to have us bent over and squealing like a pig as we grab our ankles, sir.
Elwood: In other words, I have to think of something clever?
Cassandra: I'm afraid so, sir.
Elwood: Damn! (straightens uniform) Okay, on screen.
(Screen flickers to life, shows T'Bonz, grinning evilly)
Elwood: (swallows gum) T...T'Bonz?
T'Bonz: Ah, Elwood, my old friend. You still find the wit to maintain the Andy Griffith accent. I cannot help but be touched.
Diacanu: I thought she was touched. (turns to Lanzman) Pay up, man. (Lanzman hands him a five)
Elwood: So what is the meaning of this attack?
T'Bonz: Well, I woke up in a bad mood this morning because you booted me off the Wordforge and left me on TBBS to rot. Also, I broke a nail. Therefore I'm going to bring this ship around, deprive you of your self-esteem, and then bring it around again and then deprive you of your life.
Elwood: Er...m'kay. I suppose it's pointless to offer up myself so you'll spare my crew?
T'Bonz: I scoff at that notion.
Elwood: How about I offer up my crew so you'll spare me.
Crew:
T'Bonz: I will make you a counteroffer. I will accept your suggestion if...if...you turn over to me all data and materials related to Project GeneBS.
Elwood: GeneBS? What's that?
T'Bonz: Don't insult my intelligence, Elwood.
Elwood: Er, was I insulting your intelligence?
T'Bonz: See? You're doing it again!
Elwood: Sorry! Uh...GeneBS, was it?
T'Bonz: STOP THAT!
Elwood: Okay! Okay! Just give us a few minutes to hold a seance so we can ask Borgs where he stashed the keys...
T'Bonz: I give you sixty seconds, Admiral.
Elwood: (To Lurker) Turn off the mike...(Walks over to Vandy's station, whispers) Vandy...access Reliant's help file.
Vandy: I'm sorry, could you speak louder?
Cassandra: The UBB codes?
Elwood: It's all we got.
T'Bonz: Hurry, Admiral. My coffee is getting cold.
Elwood: You have to give us time! The bridge is injured, and I'm a bit smashed...
Cassandra: (softly) Reliant's UBB help file coming up.
Vandy: I don't get it.
Elwood: You have to understand how things work on a BBS, Lieutenant, not just smile and make self-superior remarks. We're going to use Reliant's own UBB Code to overwhelm their database and disable her shields and weapons.
Cassandra: Which really doesn't have a prayer of working, but beats sitting under the console and whimpering (looks down at Diacanu, who's doing exactly that)
T'Bonz: ELWOOD!
Elwood: Okay, so which of my suggestions are you going to take once I've sent you the data?
T'Bonz: Oh, I'm just going to leave you guessing as to that one. (She and whole crew laugh evilly).
Elwood: Right. Okay, well, I'll just send you the data, I reckon, and one of Aunt Bee's apple pies. Now, Mr. Lanzman.
Lanzman: Aye sir. (presses button)

Cut To: Reliant Bridge:
Neroon: Uh, my screen just filled up with 's and 's and 's
T'Bonz: What?
Neroon: Also our shields and weapons just went offline.
T'Bonz: WHAT?
Neroon: And the coffeepot just stopped perking.
T'Bonz: FIND THE OVERRIDE!

Cut To: Wordforge Bridge
Elwood: Fuck 'em Over, ensign!
Order2Chaos: (looks at his screen, where Grand Theft Starship: Florida Nebula is starting up) Yes SIR! (hits buttons)

Cut To: Space shot, where Wordforge opens up on Reliant with a blaze of special effects, then:

Cut To: Reliant bridge. People go flying. T'Bonz drops her coffeemug and Neroon screams as he loses a pen
T'Bonz: RETURN FIRE!
Neroon: We can't! They've hit the weapons controls, the SQL database, and have flooded our network with every post Baba ever made. We must withdraw!
T'Bonz: What? NEVER!
Neroon: We must!
T'Bonz: NO! NEVER! NEVER, YOU HEAR???
Neroon: Would you do it for a Neroon snack? (reaches into pocket, takes out biscuit)
T'Bonz: Fine. Let's withdraw. Now gimme...

Cut To: Wordforge Bridge:
Cassandra: Huh. You did it. They're running. (raises eyebrow)
Elwood: I didn't do nothin'. Got caught with my britches down like Ned Beatty in Deliverance...(whirls on Vandy) You...you just keep quotin' the rules, missy.
Vandy (grins, looks infernally smug)
Elwood: Now let's see how badly we've been hurt...
(door opens, Nick comes in, with Matthunter slung over shoulder. People take one look and everyone vomits)

Cut To: Sickbay. Garamet and Storm are working on Matthunter
Nick (sobs): He ran from his post, while the trainees stayed...my wife is REALLY going to be pissed...
Matthunter (grabs Elwood sleeve): Ad..mir...al...did you get the Serenity tickets?
Elwood: Yes, son, I did.
Matthunter: Cool. (dies)
Rucker: I hate losing a man like that. I prefer to shoot 'em and put 'em out of their misery.
Cassandra: Bridge to Captain
Elwood: Go ahead.
Cassandra: We've restored auxiliary power and there's a passing trucker who'll give us a lift to Florida 1. Shall we take him up on it?
Elwood: Fine. Tell him we'll pay him for gas.
Cassandra: He prefers ass, sir.
Elwood: Fine, then send Tasvir over, that's what he's there for...geez, do I have to make ALL the decisions...?

Cut To: Space Station Florida One. Elwood, Rucker, Vandy beam in, start looking around.

TheLurker (on screen): Yoohoo? Anyone over there? Hello?(The three look around. Everything's empty. No sign of a struggle)
Vandy: You know, if you tell me to go look behind the rock, sir, you're going to be SO playa hated...
Elwood: It's weird. It's quiet. Too quiet. Like the quiet of the grave...
Vandy: I'd appreciate a more optomistic outlook.
Rucker: (waving guns around, turns corner) Huh.
Elwood: What?
Rucker: I think there's somebody in the refrigerator.
Elwood: What makes you say that?
Rucker: (points at fridge, which is bouncing around. Faintly we can hear the words, ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS! coming from inside)
TheLurker (on screen): Yoohoo? Anyone over there? Hello? Is this bloody thing on?
Rucker (approaches fridge, levels guns at it, nods to Elwood) :Open it.
Elwood: (opens fridge. Kyle and Alphaman fall out) Damn.
Rucker: What?
Elwood: I was hoping for River Tam.

Cut to: Wordforge Bridge:
TheLurker: Look, some wanker better bloody well answer me, or I'm gonna...
Vandy: Vandy to Wordforge. We're all right. Stop fucking whinging. Out.
Cut to: Space Station
Kyle: Oh sir...it was Bonzie...we found ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS on the Enterprise Forum...
Elwood: There there. It's all right. No more ads.
Kyle: She did things...put ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS in our ears. We lied. Did things. Cuddled with Joisey...(breaks down into tears)
Elwood: What happened to the space station crew?
Alphaman: She went medieval on them. She wanted to know where GeneBS was. But they wouldn't tell her. So she made them watch Andromeda. They were MADE to watch. The only way to cope with that, I suspect, is to BECOME Andromeda...
Elwood: The fiend. (to himself) She said they would go underground...where's the transporter?

Cut to: Transporter room
Vandy: I don't understand. These coordinates are deep inside Florida, an area we know to be useless.
Elwood: Prepare to energize. Alpha, Kyle, you can stay here, or...
Alphaman: If it's all the same, we'd like to ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORM the risk.
Elwood: Right. Let's go then.
Rucker: Where we going?
Elwood: Where PBM went.
Rucker: PBM? You sure you'd want to go there?
Elwood: Beats Michigan.
Rucker: True. Let's go.

Cut To: Deep inside Florida. The party materializes in the parking lot of a cheap seaside motel. Elwood looks down at a half-open crate with GENEBS stamped all over it.
Elwood: Project GeneBS, I presume?
Baba: Chat.
(Everyone whirls, aims weapons at Baba)
Elwood: Where's Dr. BlueMoon?
Baba: Baba tell for rep.
PBM: Elwood!
Elwood: Pthalo?
Baba: Free chat for rep. Baba likes chat.
PBM: Stop, Baba, you're only making it worse.
Alphaman: It's worse than you think. (produces negrep gun) Please, ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORM don't move.
T'Bonz: Report
Alphaman (talks into wristwatch): All is well. You have GeneBS.
T'Bonz: One thing at a time. Kill Elwood.
Alphaman: But he's a nice guy...
T'Bonz: Don't argue with me or I'll turn up the volume on that ad!
Alphaman: Fuck that. (shoots self, vanishes)
Kyle: ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS! HELP ME ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS ELECTRICAL SUPERSTORMS (screams, collapses)
Rucker: Jesus tap-dancin' Christ! (watches as ad crawls out of Kyle's ear) Looks like the boy finally got penetrated. (stomps on ad)
T'Bonz: Did Elwood just die? WTF is going on?
Elwood (grabs communicator): Hah! Missed! What're you gonna do now, huh?
(GeneBS box is beamed away)
Elwood: (blinks) Okay, that was pretty good. But you still want to kill me. You're going to have to come down here. Come down here and face me like a man.
T'Bonz: I'm not a man. And I've done worse than kill you. I've made you look stupid. And I wish to go on making you look stupid. But I'm not. I'm going to leave you as you left me...as you left all of us...marooned for all eternity in the middle of a dead thread. And oh yeah, I'm going to tell the universe about that night you and the other members of the boys volleyball team got drunk and started experimenting in the locker room.
Elwood: (enraged) BONZ!!!!!!!!!!!! BONZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued