Wordforge: The Wrath of T'Bonz, Part IV

phantomofthenet · Jun 10, 2005

Cut to: Deep Inside Florida (and it's not even a porn movie!)

Elwood: (sighs, dials new number of cell phone): Elwood to Wordforge.
Cassandra: Wordforge here .
Elwood: Damage report, please.
Cassandra: Admiral, if we were to discuss this like Mewa and Maud'Dib discuss the Civil War, hours would seem like days. Also, we would all volunteer to be beheaded by Al-Qaeda.
Elwood: Tell me about it. What about the damage to the ship?
Cassandra: (sighs) We won't be able to go to broadband speeds, ever again, so of course Nick says he'll have it fixed in a jiffy. Darwin has gotten a better job, and Summerteeth is still put out about the damage to her garden in the aft cargo bay.
Elwood: So you can't even beam us back?
Cassandra: Not really, sir, unless you want to be turned inside out and then explode.
Elwood: M'kay then. If you don't hear from us in a couple of hours, take Wordforge and run like y'all's britches are on fire.
TheLurker (eagerly): Are you saying we'll get to leave you behind?
Elwood: Lurker, if you don't hear from us, there won't be anybody behind, or in front, either. Elwood out. (looks around) So, who's hungry? Any Jello around here?
Rucker: How the hell can you think of Jello at a time like this?
Elwood: First rule of survival. There's always room for Jello.
PBM: There's food in the GeneBS Cave. Enough to make us all sick, if necessary.
Rucker: I thought this was GeneBS?
PBM: (gestures at hotel) That? It took Donald Trump's Apprentices six weeks of bitching and moaning just to get that place to stop smelling. What we did in the Cave we did in a day. Baba, why don't you show Mr. Rucker and Ms. Vandygoddess our idea of food.
Baba: Baba give food for rep. (stands) Follow Baba.
(Rucker and Vandy reluctantly start to follow Baba.)
Vandy: Admiral?
Elwood: As your tutor, Ms. Cassandra is fond of saying...there are always...stupid Americans.
Vandy: (walks off)
Elwood (to PBM): I did what you asked. I fucked off. Why didn't you tell me?
PBM: I tried to tell you. You put me on ignore.
Elwood: Oh, right.
PBM: Anyway...were we together? Were we ever going to get over that night on the beach and that damned mason jar of corn likker? No. You had your world and I had mine. I'd rather Baba would have been in yours, but the private detectives lost track of you. So, how you feeling?
Elwood: How am I feeling? I've got a crazed woman who thinks she's a Romulan out to kill me. You show me a son who makes me wish she'd succeed. How do I feel...like I've just awakened face down in the shower of a Turkish prison.
PBM: (smiles) Just checking. Now want to get something to eat?
Elwood: Why not.

CUT TO: BBS Reliant, as it pulls up to Space Station Florida One
T'Bonz: Neroon, I don't see Wordforge .
Neroon: I swear it was there just an hour ago.
T'Bonz: I don't care about an hour ago. I want to blow it up now! (stamps foot)

Cut To: Elwood and PBM walking down a tunnel. The light gets brighter and we hear insipid music playing. They reach the end of the tunnel and Elwood's mouth falls open as we see him staring at a huge cave, filled with....

Elwood: Disneyland?
PBM: Disneyworld, actually. (beams proudly)
Elwood: And you did all this in a day?
PBM: We built the rides in a day. The cotton candy and soda pools formed later, but at a substantially increased rate.
Rucker: (comes running up, mouth full of cotton candy) Ehwood! Thith ith incredible! Have you ether theen the like?
PBM: (beams even more proudly as Tinkerbell lands on her finger) Can I cook or can't I?
Baba: Give rep for fried twinkies.

Cut To: Later. Everyone's sitting around amidst litter of pizza boxes, Jello bowls, and deep fried twinkie wrappers. In the background the Seven Dwarves are barbecuing the Three Little Pigs for dinner.
Elwood: So, Vandy, I bet you're wondering how I beat the Three of One Test.
Vandy (looks up from book entitled How To Appease A Stupid Boss And Keep Your Job) ) Eh? (glances at book, sets it down and answers carefully) Yes, Bo...er, Captain. I would...really...like to know.
Elwood: I bribed Phantom so that I could pass the test without looking like an idiot.
Vandy: You cheated?
Elwood: No, I said I bribed Phantom so that I could pass the test. Got a bunch of pos reps for original thinking...
Rucker (mutters): even though Shepherd thought of it first...
Elwood: So I reckon you could say losin' and me avoid each other's acquaintance.
Vandy: (confused look)
Rucker: That's Southern for, 'I fuckin' hate to lose'.
Vandy: I understand sir.
Elwood (takes out communicator): Elwood to Wordforge , Cassie, are you ready?
Cassandra: Define ready.
Elwood: Can you beam us up?
Cassandra: Reluctantly, sir
Elwood: Then do so. (grins at Vandy) I fuckin' hate to lose.

Cut To: Wordforge Transporter Room, where the away team is in the process of materializing.
Vandy: I don't understand, sir...Cassandra made the situation look hopeless.
Elwood: Lieutenant, I'm surprised, you of all people should be aware of the rules...Cassandra, hi, you know PBM and Baba?
Cassandra: I'm afraid so.
PBM: Rowr. Hiss.
Vandy: The rules...oh yeah, when there's a chance of a TBBS Mod listening in....
Elwood: ...you have to be fucking nuts to speak plainly in front of them.
Vandy (turns to Cassandra): You lied!
Cassandra (raises eyebrow): No, I did a Rumsfeld. Orders, Captain?
Elwood: Now we go kick Bonzie's butt. That is, if the ship's ready for battle.
Cassandra: We're always ready for battle...the question is, are we ready for battling someone else other than ourselves?
Elwood: Stow the philosophy. Go to Red Alert.

to be continued