Wordforge VI: The Undiscovered Forum, Part I

(after repeated demands, threats, and the kidnapping of a stuffed otter...here it is...the newest parody! With a slight reimagining of the character formerly played by Storm)

FADE IN: A dark portion of space. Then...BOOM! A huge explosion!

CUT TO: The USS BlueRoom, sailing serenely through space.
Lanzman: Captain's Blog, 050206.11. Captain Lanzman recording. After six weeks of mapping gaseous anomalies, we have determined that none of them can be attributable to Diacanu. Now we are heading home for a well deserved rest and a few six packs of Miller Genuine Draft. (sips coffee with loud slurping noise) And that is one damn fine cup of coffee, Ensign Mrs. Albert.
Mrs. Albert: Thank you sir. I used to work at Starbuck's, sir.
Lanzman: Oh? What was that like?
Mrs. Albert: The broad was crazy but she had nice girly parts, sir.
Lanzman: (notices coffee cup trembling) Uh...
Mrs. Albert: I'm sorry, sir, did I make you tremble?
Lanzman: Uh...
Mrs. Albert: Sir, there's no need for worry, my Nebraskan Oath of Celibacy IS on record...
Lanzman: (as coffee cup falls off table) Uh, I think this is something else. Science Officer!
Lt. Herpetologist: Leaping Lizards! A massive shockwave is heading right for us!
Lanzman: On screen!
Screen: (shows hideously colored and massively threatening shock wave approaching)
Lanzman: Jeez...another trailer for Poseidon?
Herpetologist: Er...no, that's a real hideously colored and massively threatening shock wave approaching.
Lanzman: Shields! SHIELDS!!!!!
(shock wave hits. People are thrown about on the bridge. Coffee and donuts fly everywhere. Lanzman crawls to the helm, where Lt. Tex is struggling with the controls)
Lanzman: Turn her into the wave!
Tex: Helm's not answering, sir!
Lanzman: Engage the 4WD!
(Ship steadies)
Tex: Well fuck me with the Bush Twins...wtf was that?
Lanzman: Herptologist?
Herpetologist: Don't ask me. I'm a Herpetologist.
Lansman: Well do the scanning thing.
Herpetologist: Oh. Yeah. (looks into viewer) Oh! Sir, the explosion originated in the TBBS Enterprise Forum, sir.
Lanzman: That's their primary traffic generator...
Herpetologist: Yes sir...only it's not there anymore.
Lanzman: Huh?
Herpetologist: I cannot confirm the existence of that forum anymore...wait, I'm getting a signal...
Lanzman: On screen.
Screen: (Shows Tim of Nine, amidst burning wreckage) Warning for flaming! Warning for explosion! AHHHHHH!!!!!

(fades, is replaced by Spaceman Spiff)

Spiff: There has been...an incident, in the Enterprise Forum.
Lanzman: (under his breath) Again...
Spiff: Obey treaty boundaries. Stay in your own territory. Spiff, out.
Lanzman (turns): Lt. Avidan...
Avidan: Don't look at me, sir, I didn't have anything to do with it.
Lanzman: No, open hailing frequencies. I need to talk to Wordforge Command.
Avidan: Are you going to post in the Gray Room about this, sir?
Lanzman: Are you kidding?

CUT TO: A conference room at Wordforge HQ
Elwood: Anybody know what's going on?
TheLurker: Beats me. I got dragged out of the pub.
Nick: They pulled me out of an interesting seminar on Linux programming.
Uncle Albert: And I was doing research on medicinal herbs.
Elwood: Where the hell is Cass?
(Admiral Flashlight enters)
Flashlight: Be seated.
Uncle Albert: Don't tell me what to do!
Flashlight: (coughs) Right...ladies and gentleman, I'll make this brief. TBBS has only a few months to live.
Room: (gasps)
Flashlight: I'll turn over this briefing now to the Wordforge Special Envoy.
(Cassandra walks in)
Elwood:
Cassandra: As you all know, the TBBS Enterprise Forum exploded a month ago...possibly from overshipping. Since the Enterprise Forum was their prime traffic generating forum, it has become clear that TBBS will no longer be able to survive...so, at the behest of the Wordforge Council, I was sent to TBBS to open negotiations.
Elwood: Negotiations for what?
Cassandra: Pardons for all who have been banned on both sides and potential unification of our two worlds...an end to five years of unrelenting hostility which TBBS can no longer afford.
Elwood:
Flashlight: The head of the TBBS High Council, Chancellor Sparforth, is on his way here for a summit conference. You, Captain Elwood, will be escorting him here.
Elwood:
Cassandra: I volunteered us, Captain.
Elwood: But...
Flashlight: There are many who would be opposed to this action...but they'll think twice about messing with the USS Wordforge under your command.
Elwood: um...urgh...
Flashlight: That will be all. Dismissed.
(People start to leave)
Uncle Albert (To Elwood): You just got brokebacked big time there, Chief. (walks off, snickering)
Elwood: YOU volunteered us?
Cassandra: There's an old Austrian saying. Only Bush would invade Iraq.
Elwood: That's arrogant presumption!
Cassandra: Indeed, Captain...everyone knows that it was a fascist conspiracy...
Elwood: NOT that presumption. THIS presumption! You know how I feel about TBBS'ers!
Cassandra: They're losing traffic, Elwood.
Elwood: Let them lose traffic! (gets grip) Didn't it occur to you we were supposed to have a barbecue this Saturday?
Cassandra: Elwood...there are more important things than barbecue.
Elwood:

Cut To: Cassandra's quarters.
Cassandra: Lt. Yolei...your scores in the Trolling Academy were the highest ever recorded.
Lt. Yolei: Thank you, Ma'am.
Cassandra: (pours shots of Jagermeister) This will be my last voyage as a member of this crew. They will need a powerful instigating presence.
Lt. Yolei: Ma'am...this upcoming peace conference...this sounds like a pretty fucked up idea. In fanfic...
Cassandra: (shakes head) fanfic, fanfic, fanfic...Lieutenant, you are young, and must understand that some things are more important than fanfic, or shipping.
Lt. Yolei: Soap operas?
Cassandra: At any rate, I intend you to be my replacement. (hands over shot glass)
Lt. Yolei: I could only succeed you, ma'am. (drinks down shot)

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Please tell me have to look up the dialogue first

hey, what happened to board wars?

at least I finally had a part there... here, I've been dead since the first installment.

Critics. There are always critics...

!!!

Dang...so conflicted....

I WAS "General Chang" at TBBS but I haven't posted there in ages...I CAN'T be a member of THAT crew...

look for a pm from me when I sort all this out...

Yikes.. this is too lifelike.. can't keep reality and fiction apart.. Never been to TBBS and only heard bad things about it. I think we should defend our borders.. shoot if we must. Tell me this isn't real and the gates of Obliv..erhm.. TBBS will remain closed! The fires of wordforge are still burning, aren't they?

^ Take Martin to the temple door so he can light the Dragonfire.

*STOMP*

(translate this, please?)

Meh, the worst they can do right now is KIRK1ADM...
And he is getting owned on a very rugulair basis at the nw TNZ...
Even with the help of people like Tarantulas or gturner...
But you guys don't know them ofcourse...

Martin? Wasn't he the dude in a dress who wanted to tag along on my adventures? I told that bastard to fuck off when I met him...

On topic.. POTN, can you do auditions for the next series? I'd like a shot at the role of a coffee-machine when I reach 2k posts..

That...might be possible...I'm planning a couple of Doctor Who takeoffs and perhaps a possible return to "Battleboard Wordforgica"