"You Can't Take This Guy From Me..." Mal Reynolds--Butt Pirate???

So the theme for the short-lived sci-fi show, "Firefly" has the enigmatic refrain of "You can't take this guy from me." And we have our Captain of the ship, Mal Reynolds. In spite of a long standing relationship with his hot female first mate, they never do it and said first mate eventually gives up and marries someone else. Then, in spite of having a hot hoor on the ship who carries a torch for him, nothing ever comes of that. Eventually they add a hunky, goateed crewmember with a penchant for phallic objects. Why? Does Mal secretly have the hots for Jayne? Is that what the whole "Please don't tell them" exchange was about in that one episode where Mal was going to kill him? Did Jayne not want to be outed--even posthumously? And what's the deal with the swishy doctor? Finally, we have "our Mrs. Reynolds". Another professional hoor who completely and utterly fails to get Mal to bone her.

I'm afraid, given the overwhelming evidence, there's only one conclusion we can come up with about the captain of the Firefly: He was gay. He was a poofda. A queer, a fag, an asshole bandit, a pillow-biter. He was, what members of TBBS would call, an arsebiscuit.

For a series that lasted 13 episodes and spawned one underperforming "movie," this failed show sure does generate a lot of material here. Space: Above and Beyond deserves more attention, IMHO.

Oh, and is it any wonder that at 2:43 a.m. Central Time, Volpone has gay sex and phallic objects on his mind?

Evidence against this thesis: there's any number of things I could name, but the most compelling is "Heart of Gold", in which he flat-out denies being gay, and does, in fact, have sex with a (female!) whore 15 minutes later.

Maybe the space whore only gave him a handjob while he fantasized about Jayne?

Perhaps, but Melinda Clark could turn even Anc straight

See Mewa?
See Faceman??

SEE??!!?

It can't be that difficult to do a GOOD Firefly troll if Volpone can manage it!

You two should hang your heads in utter shame. With one simple post this guy has humiliated you on your favorite shtick.



I think Jed Clampett described your collected attempts to troll Firefly best when he said

PIIIIIIITYFUL

Ah, it took homophobia for Shep to like it.
Nuff said.

You forgot that he wore womens clothes too.

Every man should have a pretty floral bonnet.

How is it a troll if it doesn't actually rile up the biggest Firefly fan here??

Rather a clever satirical story.

Mal couldn't get laid in a whorehorse.

So a bit like you then?

What is it with Volpone and his gay-content threads? Every thread of his these days is either talking about or in some way promoting man on man buttsecks.

Mighty suspicious if you ask me.

I think we've all noticed this. If you will remember, enlisted person went through the same phase.

Volpone, if you just come on out of the closet, you'll be much happier in the end.

Huh?! I think Shep has been hanging with his ghey Browncoats friends for too long.

Well it was only 10:43pm in Hawaii.*shrug* So what were YOU doing up at 2:43? Surfing for gay porn?

That can be explained as jealousy. Jayne was nailing whores at the cyclic rate. Clearly Mal was acting out as a result.

! I'd forgotten this point! He wears women's clothes in "Our 'Mrs.' Reynolds"(!) and again in the movie. In fact it looks like Mal has more dresses than the girl mechanic does. Or the girl first mate! I don't think we ever see Zoe in a dress, so it looks like Mal wears dresses more often than Zoe and Kaylee combined.

And judging from the complete lack of outrage, none of this seems to be a big surprise to the Brownshirts. Maybe they already knew Mal was a closeted homosexual.

Which makes it more of an FYI thread.

Maybe Kaylee wasn't the only one after Simon's heart.

I woulda boned Kaylee on a regular basis.

Mal was gay. Why ya think Wash didn't have a problem with Mal and Zoe's relationship.

I don't think Simon had to worry about his heart with Mal... :zan:

Those 9 eps could do good on the LOGO channel. Carson Kressly could do intros to the show.

Guess it takes one to know one huh?

Hey Nick, you forgot to add this to your post....

That would imply I'm joking.

Well that was a classic zinger. You sure told him.

Volp, you scare me man

I don't think it was a troll.

I think he was honestly curious...

Jeez, I can't believe it. It all makes sense if you take the series from the perspective of Mal being a closeted homosexual.

1) He hires the cocky, wisecracking male pilot. This backfires when the pilot marries Zoe.

2) So he hires the mechanic. He fires this guy after catching him having sex with a woman behind his back.

3) Next he hires big, dumb macho Jayne.

4) After Jayne rebuffs him, he brings the swishy doctor on board. Clearly all the friction between Mal and the Doctor is because the Doc is getting tired of Mal's continuous requests for hernia and prostate exams.

5) When Kaylee brings a religious on board, Mal feels threatened because Shepherd might find out and criticize his "lifestyle choice".

6) Finally, Mal is cranky all the time because he's in the closet and isn't getting any hot man-love.

Wow, I started this as a cheap troll and I think I had a major breakthrough about important Season 2 plot developments.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Season 2 plot developments???


Season 1 was cut off at the ankles. You fuggin' kiddin' me or what?!