I hope you and yours enjoy a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yuletide, Winter Solstice, New Year, Saturnalia, Sol Invictus, Hogmanay, Saint Steven's Day, Boxing Day, Saint John the Evangelist's Day, Holy Innocent's Day, Saint Sylvester's Day, Watch Night, Feast of Fools, Dong Zhi, Day of the Signature of the Constitution of the Republic of China, Festivus, and Christmahanakwanzika. Okay, gather 'round chil'ren. It's time for Unca Elwood to tell a Christmas story. Gather 'round and hush up. Clyde, I said hush up. evenflow, stop flirting with Tex and hush up. Okay... Back in the early 1980's we didn't work on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. The patrol deputies would just stay at home and if a call came in the dispatcher would call their house and they'd just put their gunbelts on over their blue jeans and go take care of it. But, if you've paid attention, you've heard me talk about a fella by the name of Buck before. Well, as usual Buck had been a naughty boy and the Sheriff made him work Christmas Eve night. Well, back in those days everyone had a scanner and could listen to our radio frequencies and it had become a small tradition for the dispatcher to call out Santa Claus sightings as he traveled through our county. At exactly 2200 on Christmas Eve the first call went out. The dispatcher radioed that the Birmingham Airport's Air Traffic Control Center had Santa Claus on their radar and that he was headed thisa'way. He ought to get to our little county at about 2330. Well, some time ticked on and at about 2310 Buck radioed this message to the dispatcher. "Headquarters, 638. I've got a visual on Santa Claus. He's flying parallel with highway 215 about five miles north of Lambert's mountain." The dispatcher acknowledged the call and little kiddies started calling the radio center asking if was real. We always got a kick out of this and everyone was playing along. Well, about five minutes later Buck called back. He said, "Headquarters, Santa is descending. I can see him clearly now. All eight deer are with him and he's singin'!" A few seconds pass. "Headquarters, Santa's getting awful low. I think he may be goin' to stop!" A few more seconds pass. "Headquarters, Santa's getting really low but he's not stopin'! He's stopped singin'!" A few more seconds pass. "Headquarters! Santa's gettin' low and he's really close to Lambert's mountain!" A few more seconds pass. "HEADQUARTERS! SANTA JUST 10-50'D INTO LAMBERT'S MOUNTAIN! MY GOD! THERE'S FLAMES AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE! I NEED AN AMBULANCE AND A FIRE UNIT NOW!" At this point the dispatcher's phone lines and the Sheriff's home phone melted because they both got about 10,000 calls from angy parents who had squalling kids. Ah, those were the days. Merry Christmas!
Then I shall not send your present. Your bottle of KY and a $50 gift certificate to Mons Venus will not be forthcoming.
As a matter of global goodwill and harmony, I shall temporarily put aside my quest for the destruction of Christmas and graciously accept your gift of sex lube and free "everywhere but the cooter" lap dances.
I was all day today... I hate shots. I think I'm actually going to drink only beer when I'm having alcohol. I'm too old for this shit.
Y'all watch your news outlets closely tomorrow. I'm doing it. I haven't bought the GF anything I can give her in front of family ( ), so I gotta brave the malls tomorrow. If it's as ugly as I'm fearing, I may just make headlines.
Bah. Seda is at this very moment braving dropping temperatures and 27 mph winds to stand in line outside of Best Buy to get our son one of the 72 Wii's they got in and are selling to the first ones in line at 6am.
So this is the merry christmas thread?!? Ok... I have a bit of a cold though... [YT="Happy Holidays"]1Zob9FgK_rU[/YT]
I thought about starting Marso Teh Fuckin' Eggnog Thread, but somehow it just didn't have the same ring to it. And I would projectile vomit if I drank eggnog. Just the thought of that drink makes me think of the green 'head stew' in Thulsa Doom's palace. But Merry Christmas to all you [-]hosers[/-] Forgers just the same.
I aired my Festivus grievances a couple nights ago. Dissapointed the cops never showed, but it's just as well.
Today ends the Solstice, and I'm happy to report that the sun is shining her face on us again for another year. Even though it's been raining here for about 7 hours now. Now let's get pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!
I find that, the older I get, the less severe my hangovers are. Last night we had friends over and I drank a lot of margaritas and Crown and Coke. Felt fine today. Merry Christmas, Wordforge. You sexy bitch.
Christmas can go to hell for all I care. Fuck Chrismas, that Satanic child sacrificing anal smashing orgiastic holiday.
Merry Christmas to all. Unlike Elwood, I regret to report that I did not buy the wife anything that can't be opened in front of family (for the first time in ages)...as I remain on the, uh, disabled list until mid-January. Still, I think we all have much to be joyful for and I'm thankful for each and everyone of you. Have a wondrous holiday.
