OK. This is the thread for things you'd love to do but will probably never happen. My first one is petty and venal, but it came up because I was listening to an oldies station in the car: I want to make sweet love to Nichole Richie while "Easy" by her dad plays in the background.
Let's see, nothing too fanciful... I want to have sex with Scarlett Johannsen while skydiving from a vintage B-29, shooting Osama bin Laden in the head with the solid gold .44 Magnum in my right hand, writing the Great American Novel with my left hand, reciting my Nobel speech after being awarded multiple prizes for inventing warp drive, mathematically proving the existence of God, and formulating an immortality elixir, looking down at the place I'm about to land: the Olympic-sized swimming pool full of $10,000 bills, surrounded by Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Rebecca Romijn, Monica Belucci and a chorus of supermodels ready to welcome me with their tongues, and next to all that, my home: the diamond-encrusted marble palace and adjoining supercar garage, personal spacecraft hangar, and world throne room. It could still happen.
I have a long list of things I'd like to do but may or may not ever do...likely not...more likely as time goes on... * Learn to play a musical instrument, the guitar at least...and maybe the piano, & cello... * Go to culinary school * learn to scuba dive * learn to fence * go back and take Aikido classes again, learn to use a sword and bo staff * take a real tai chi class * finish my astronomy or planetary sciences degree * fix my telescope * get in shape, learn to rock climb * get a tattoo * travel the world...and not the touristy places, the really down and dirty off the beaten path, seedy, likely to get you killed places * send an entire summer on a beach in Mexico * swim with a dolphin * actually met another species of Great Ape in person...maybe a chimp or orangutan...maybe even one who knows sign language * learn sign language * learn ANY other language...maybe Spanish, French and Mandarin...and Japanese or Russian.. * spend some time observing wolves in the wild, found a wolf rehabilitation and release center * build a tree house * build a log cabin * visit a rain forest * go on a walkabout * spend a year on some Polynesian island...visit a desert island * chop more wood * learn to sail a boat...a sail boat...with sails... * build a sailboat...by hand * go explore the world's caves * travel in a sub * go into space, experience zero gravity, walk on the moon * learn to actually fix a car * spend so time in a Zen monastery learning chado (the way of tea) and kyudo (calligraphy the way of the pen) * learn to juggle * read the 100 greatest classics of Western literature * go to Tibet, try that funky tea made with Yak butter * discover the Grand Unified Field Theory, win Nobel prize, build the first warp drive * learn to ride a horse...properly * take a wilderness survival class * find a decent treatment for my OCD and anxiety & * learn to skateboard...(yeah, I tried my son's the other day...I have all the grace and balance of a drunk elephant..) I'm sure there's more...
Meet my heroes. Be the most loved and respected member of Wordforge. Have a real girlfriend. Have untold amounts of ungodly money. Learn how to achieve immortality. Kill God. Turn apples into oranges. Merge apples with oranges. Find the Holy Grail. Become president of the United States, declare martial law and suspend all civil rights and liberties. Get rid of racism and bigotry and prejudism. Convert every single person into Satanists. Be worshipped by billions of people as Satan.
God-damn it. I tried to create something cheap and tawdry here and you fuckers are turning this into "The Bucket List". Christ, next thing you know Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freedman are going to be in here, hiding from that fucking walrus. Hmmm... This IS a good cocktail.
Bill Bailey had something to say about both of these in his standup show Part Troll. The first is alright, but the tea and coffee-making facilities leave a lot to be desired, and the second one ignores the ambition "become an astronaut". He feels people should have more challenging ambitions for lists like this: "Number 23: Lunge wildly at the Pope"
Strangely enough, most of my ambitions/dreams are already in the process of becoming/have become, reality. There are a few that I don't think will ever happen (discovering a lost continent for example )but the only couple that I'd be really sad to have not fulfilled when I shuffle off this mortal coil are: owning a TVR (preferably a Cerbera) and having extensively traveled (I have a weird thing for wanting to go to Siberia, check out Vladivostok and visiting Kamchatka National Park ) Oh, I'd also like to kill Robbie Williams
Wake up from the dream that is my life and find myself in my bedroom at the Kent farm in Kansas, home for a weekend with the folks.
I've always wanted to learn to fly. I've always wanted to travel the world. And finally go into outer space. Sadly I don't see any of those in my future.
Or you could make sweet love to Lionel Richie while Nicole's music plays in the background, according to Wikipedia. Let's find out just how "easy" he is! Nicole Richie's debut album, so far unnamed, is expected to be released in the Summer of 2008. [edit] Genral Album Info In 2005 Richie promised that her solo album would hit shelves before the end of the year. She said, "I've just been trying to put my whole heart in it because I have so many projects, so it's taking a little longer than I expected." But some say the album was finished and ready to hit stores it 06 but after her pal paris hilton released her album with low sales she went back to the studio to re work on it. As of August 2006, Richie had six out of ten tracks finished for her record. The songs reported to be done so far are a mixture of rock, soul and dance. According to TMZ Richie attended vocal lessons in August 2007, amid years of rumors that she has an album in the making. She has recently been spotted with a cd in her hands and some notebooks.
Always wanted to be a fighter pilot. Never even got as far as regular ol' civil pilot, when I saw how expensive and math-heavy it was. And my abyssmal eyesight pretty much kills any chance of being a military pilot. Wanted to be James Bond and screw a different hot foreign chick on each adventure. Discovered it was good enough to become a couch potato and settle down with a hot Italian babe.
Visit Greece. Get a novel published. At this point, I'm thinking both of those things are easily achievable in my lifetime.
To have penis reduction surgery so women wouldn't run screaming upon seeing its enormous size, resulting in my kidnapping of my lovers.
Corrinne in 9th grade Colleen in 10th Gayle in 11th Debbie in 12th Donna, Amy & Linda in art school Irene, Lupita & Sue in my first job Karen
Not to mention your driving skills. I'd love the see the stories of airplane incidents you are involved in. "I had the right away to land! "
I think most of us will never realize our dream of having a three-way with Tamar and Molly Ringwald. But I know we all share it.
I've got a few more... * learn to speak Klingon * learn calculus * hike more * have sex with Leelee Sobieski * drive the complete length of Route 66 Fuck. My life is just one big depressing disappointment. Where's the fucking whiskey and Vicodin?
I did actually have sex. When I was a teen, I figured I'd die a virgin. Like Dicky. And I have kids. I am not he great awesome father I wanted to be who reads his kids a story every single night and cooks dinner with them every evening, but still, they like me. But still, I want the Vicodin, fucking whiskey, and six bullets.
Leelee Sobieski might be a tall order, but those other things you could do THIS YEAR. Get the Okrand's Klingon Dictionary and start reading. Take a semester or two of Calculus at your local community college. Hike more on the weekends. Spend a vacation driving Route 66. Over. Done. You put it away and you forget about it.
Don't come in here and parade all over my rain! Actually, I am planning to move back to AZ this summer...I may drive with back there, up back up here when I pick up my kids, at least one time the whole way on 66... That will rock. But I don't have anyone else in this shithole I could practice Klingon with (when I get back to AZ, sure, lots) and I can't really focus on school until I get my OCD and anxiety under control, and that's a long process with my crappy health coverage... And the court says that I am not allowed to come within 300 feet of Leelee anymore.
Actually I think the reason he was contemplating suicide is that "learn Klingon" rated higher on his to-do list than Leelee Sobieski. Or that it was there at all.
