Men who prefer bachelorhood: scared of the possibility of a failed relationship?

That was satire, right?!

We keep trying for disability. She has been denied 3 times, the state citing that my dad makes too much money all three times. Two of those three he was making $9 an hour, so I don't know where they got that idea.

As for him, the plant closed, and jobs in Middletown dried up. Ohio's economy, as I'm sure you've seen, is in a sorrowful state. With what I make and what dad's able to make, we can keep our necks above water and that's about it. I keep fishing his resume out to hundreds of companies with few bites, all of them guppy sized.

You see, he never had a high school diploma. It was only recently that I helped him get his G.E.D. I helped him study and he passed the test and we were happy he got it, but not much has resulted from it. His skill is in landscaping, and I wish a good company would hire him. I keep knocking on their doors to no avail. He's the best there is, hands down. He works hard, and he's never dishonest about his work. Someone like him should have a well paying job in that field, but again, I knock and no one answers. He doesn't have the credit for a small business loan, and not enough capital to get one going, otherwise he'd have done that.

Any trick, method, plan, idea, anything that I can use to help out I have. I've burned all of my financial bridges to keep them afloat, and so once I get out on my own, if I get into financial trouble, I may not have any recourse.

At any rate, it just seems every door closes before I can reach it.

J.

The problem is you keep knocking on doors.

Dude, I know you love your dad, but it sounds like you're enabling him to not work.

He's working, it's just in a job that doesn't pay a whole lot.


J.

However, Poodle's point still stands (and my keyboard shudders under that sentence): Your Dad should be the one to send out resumes and knock on doors. If he thinks he can't, you need to stop helping him do stuff he could be doing on his own. This is usually something that parents and not kids have to be told, but you need to give them the chance to deal with their own problems even if they'd much prefer you didn't.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Because you can sell that milk, buy more cows and then have steak and cheese too.

A hot bisexual wife is more valuable than any wingman. ^_~

The bad news is that Pagan chicks cheat.


The good news is that it's mostly with each other.

J. Allen -

What do you think would realistically happen if you were to move out, and (let's just take the extreme scenario), withdraw all of the financial support you're currently contributing? Exactly what do you think would happen in that scenario? And please be specific - let's nail down exactly what you're afraid will transpire.

Dang!! I wish I had a big son who would come and take care of me.

If I left, I would have no place to go, since all of my money is tied into their finances. It would take weeks to accrue enough to get a piece of crap apartment in a slum, and to have enough for food and transportation to work. Aside from that, I think my parents would divorce, as I have been the buffer between the two. My mom would probably break, if only because I've usually been there for her to lean on. My dad, I don't know what he would do. There are reasons that I won't go into here, but suffice to say they're drastic and they've been attempted before when one of my parents has been on the edge of a breakdown, and that's where I think they both are anyway.

So, to put it succinctly, my family would fall apart and shatter into little pieces, and I have enough personal experience to believe that is the likely scenario.

J.

This may sound flippant, but what if you tell people your parents live with you?

I mean, if you're paying most of the bills and acting as the de facto head of the household, it's pretty much true, regardless of whose name is on the deed.

Actually, *cough* my name is on the lease too. *cough*
It's there because I put a lot of money down and it was based on my job status (as in, I was employed), and there are no bankruptcies on my record.

J.

So basically, it's your household. When you put it that way, it doesn't sound anything like what most people probably think of when they hear a 28-year-old man say "I live with my parents."

Although having mom and dad living in the same house probably puts a damper on bringing a date home at the end of the night, regardless...

I have no freedom.
Anytime I leave the house, I need to be back as soon as possible.
Even if it's to see a movie (which averages out to about once a year), or just go out with friends (which averages out to about once a year). When I leave work, I'm expected home in approximately an hour. It takes me about an hour. Any time I go to the store to get supplies, I'm back by a certain time. Once in a great, great, great while I get a "just have fun", but I haven't heard that in almost a year. My mom needs my assistance most of the time during the day. It's why I'm always here, you see me on the net because I have to be nearby.

Dad's never home except for a few hours where he sleeps before going back to work. Mom needs assistance because of her difficulties walking and because of the diabetes/high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc. We don't have any neighbors who give a damn, and we can't get disability for her so we have some help. My boss actually told me I should put her in a nursing home, and I damn near walked off my job. If you know anything about me, you know my stance on nursing homes. If not, let's just say it's not nice and I have my reasons.

I swear, sometimes it's too much for me to bear, and I have to fight back extremely powerful emotions, rage and bitterness are some of them. I fight them back, because I know that if I let them go, they will bring nothing but more pain, more than what I already experience. My brother whom I love very much has taken a very hands off approach and while he comes over to visit with his baby (my parents adore the baby, she's their world), he doesn't stay for more than a half hour or so every few weeks. I swear, I feel trapped, and I tell you this but I won't tell my parents. The dynamic in this family is odd, and what has happened is that my family has come to depend upon me almost exclusively in times of need, and I am losing all of my resources that I have built up. I swear, I feel eighty years old and that my life is consigned to this, and even now as I type this I fight back very sharp regret and pain.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've always been an optimist, I've always been kind and caring, compassionate. Now I'm growing bitter, I'm jumping at people who are simply being themselves, and honestly, I see no happiness in my future. All I see is sadness, destruction and desolation ahead. Sometimes I think I'm on top of the world, but it's only for a heartbeat and then I'm down again. I don't see how any of this can be resolved to any level of satisfaction. I've even become angry at God because sometimes I feel He has placed me in this situation as some kind of lesson I need to understand. Well, I told him straight up I ain't Job, and no way in hell could I handle what Job did, and there's no way I'd want to. I know for some that's a little silly, and that God doesn't exist, but He does for me.

Anyway, I don't mean to lay troubles at people's feet, but if I didn't talk about it, I think I would finally reach my breaking point. I have long suffering patience, but I don't think I do anymore. And what's sad is I think my parents would get angry instead of understand, and I think they'd blame each other and themselves instead of helping me find a good solution for everyone.

J.

There's no way you can afford even some part time nursing care? It sounds as if you need a break, J. People have breaking points; you deserve a life, too. I'll bet your parents would be more understanding than you think. You must put your foot down, gently, for your own sake. Tell your dad you need some time for yourself--even one night a week--or you'll break. You're his son. I'm sure he loves you.

Barring that, there are organizations out there that can help, J. Look in the yellow pages or at a local community health clinic. Ask around. Sometimes there are support groups for caregivers and such. Please don't give up on life.

J., you need to leave your father and mother. They are abusing you.

What you need to do is get your brother to help out a bit, either financially or emotionally/supportively.

Sounds like he's getting over while you're stuck doing all the work.

I don't wanna rag J.Allen but something is missing from the story.

Dad???????

Does Mother have other family????

She sounds like she should be on disability. I think a lawyer who specializes in that area would be useful.

Medication???? What about Medicaid?? Various discount programs are out there.

Dad????? Whats the deal with that guy? He's not an old man.

Dad and the brother need an ass kicking. IMHO.

I'm not gonna dog the brother cuz he might be the smart one that got out to lead his life.

We're never gonna get the full deal on Mom or Dad. J.Allen says he's keeping them together. No. His Dad is hanging on to room and board. Dad should be taking care of his wife and son should help. Not son and no help from Dad.

I really think something was wrong with the initial claim for SS disibility claim or like I said, we only have but so much info.

Does Mom help or hinder her health?? We don't know.

Well I say the brother deserves it because he could help out in little ways. He could come over and "watch" mom so J.Allen could go out and have a good time. He could help with a bill or two. Small stuff.

Of course IMHO from what I've read if it's true that J.Allen is the only one holding mom and dad together then its time for J.Allen to step back and let them go their separate ways.

It all sounds kinda strange to me. His parents are close to my age group. I have friends with kids his age.

Dad should be busting his ass. The way Mom sounds I figure her and Dad should have been working out the financial end long before J.Allen could step in to help.

This really doesn't make sense. I know lots of people with diabetes and they don't need an extreme amount of assistance. So what she doesn't walk well. Just move slowly and carefully. Either you CAN walk or you can't. Millions of people have high blood pressure.

What kind of assistance does she need ALL DAY?

He has to be nearby for what????

I'm going to write a more detailed response to this and your other post later this afternoon, but for now what I'll say is that it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling. I think you need to gain some perspective on this unhealthy, co-dependent relationship you currently have with your parents. There's nothing wrong with helping out family, but there *is* something wrong with thinking you have to sacrifice your life and happiness to stay home and make sure your parents don't divorce. It's *never* the responsibility of the child to maintain or save the relationship between the parents. The financial concerns you talk about are, IMO, somewhat overblown and exaggerated (as is usually the case with people who are depressed and stressed out, they catastrophize things), and I'm quite certain there are solutions to those problems.

More later....

Wow Flashlight, for once you sound reasonable.

Have a big ass soda on me, pal.

There's a similar situation in my family. My only remaining grandparent is my paternal grandfather, who is 87. He lives in a very nice nearby retirement center. My father has always been the son who stayed in this area, never really moved away except for a brief transfer to Chicago over 30 years ago. My uncle (dad's brother), OTOH, moved away many years ago and effectively cut himself off from my grandparents, leaving my father as the one who's still here having to deal with my grandfather. So my dad is the one my grandfather calls 20 times a day because he's lonely and bored. My dad is the one he calls to take him to his every doctor's appointment. It's driven my father crazy, but he indulges it out of a sense of obligation.

Can I throw peanut shells on the floor?

Well Flashlight I hope ya'll don't dog the uncle. He lives far away and that's that. Are you saying that he lives away so he doesn't have to help with grandpa??

I hope not.

Uncle is living his life. Did he purposely move to get away from ya'll??

Not all brothers and sisters are best friends ya know.

This one time only. But lemme ask you sumthin......why you got all those shelled peanuts in your pockets??

Lots of responses! I'll try to sort each one here and answer as best as I can:

Poodle: I understand your concern, but I don't think it's abuse.

Shooter: I remember he helped financially once or twice, where he loaned my dad $50 so we could have food (this was right before Dell picked me up). He's got a good heart, he just doesn't want to be around when they fight. He's also a lot like my mom: stubborn to a fault.

Lt. Mewa: We had a lawyer go over the documentation for disability, he said everything checked out, but every time they were turned down. I don't get it either. As for the financial end, dad has always been very poor with money. Hell, he never graduated (it's why I helped him get his GED). He was so poor as a child he only went to school so he could have something to eat. My mom was born to a family of 18 children, and my grandfather and grandmother somehow managed to feed them all. They never went without food, clothes or school lunch money. This of course was back in the 50's and 60's, but they still made it work. In regards to my mom's health, she's working to become independent and strong again. Her medications screw around with her (she's on several blood pressure meds, diabetes meds, and anti-depressants, including Paxil, which I despise). And of course insulin causes one to gain weight, so she has to work that much harder to lose weight. She'd been doing well with my coaching. She's gone from 268 at the height, down to 243, and I'm working with her to lose even more. She's stubborn, and when she applies that to losing weight, it works.

Zombie: Yeah, it would be nice but I don't blame that on him. His wife (who is a wonderful person) is still gun shy around us and so between work and taking care of his baby, he doesn't get to come over often. So it's a couple of things in his case. As for me holding mom and dad together, yeah, I've done it before, many times. Their relationship is a rather curious one. When they got married, my dad didn't love my mom but was very jealous of her if any guy looked at her. He also drank heavily, but before I was born he gave that up for me and has held to it. Before my brother was born, he cheated on my mom. Even though he says he regrets it every day (I've no doubt he does), understandably it is very hard for her to get over that. The thing is, these moments are interspersed with real love. My dad really loves my mom now, and she loves him. I just think their traits mix to cause them to fight more, even when they do love each other. Remember that Andy Griffith episode where Andy and Barney intervene with this fighting couple and teach them to be nicer to one another? So they do and end up hating everyone around them? Well, once they start fighting again everything goes back to normal. I think a writer on the Andy Griffith show was prescient about my parents.

Flashlight: I understand what you're saying. I do have a strong co-dependence on my parents. I've been in the middle holding everything together for so long (relationship, finances, mom's medical issues, dad's inability to handle money and the things it causes). I'll be completely honest here. Mom would have every reason to leave dad. He's cheated on her, he does these crazy things with money, like take the last thousand dollars we had in the bank (he was unemployed and he had gotten his 401k from his old job), and buy $1000 in hot wheels to sell for a profit. I'm not kidding. He bought a $1000 in hot wheels at 75 cents a piece, because he figured there would be a couple of really rare ones in the bunch to make all the money back. Yeah, that pearl of great price guy ain't got nothing on my dad. Now, my mom's good with money, but dad wouldn't let her organize it all. He's always had the mindset that money in his pocket meant he had money. In the bank meant it wasn't in his pocket. It has taken years for him to come around from that way of thinking. Aside from the financial things, he just likes to annoy her a lot. He'll say or do things she really doesn't like (like talk about their love life to company. Seriously.), and she gets angry at him. This has gone on since they were married. And she's stuck by him through it all. In truth, I've only held them together at key points. This latest time (which was less than a month ago on their anniversary), he had said some very embarrassing and personal things about her to my brother (my mom is very private and traditional and doesn't speak of things like that in public or to other people) she was ready to divorce him. I actually said that if she felt that way she should, which is a severe departure from what I used to do. She was definitely considering it, because we all know that women do not forget anything. anything. That is the truth. If you crossed your wife a decade ago, when you do something stupid again, she will add it to what you've already done. And dad has a list long enough to go in the national archive as things not to do when married.

Anyway, the next morning, he wakes her up and presents her with a diamond ring, with three very lovely diamonds in them, and he tells her "I want to renew our love for each other. This is a ring with three diamonds. This one represents the past, the bigger one in the middle represents the present, and this last smaller one represents the future. I want that future to be with you.", which shocked the hell out of me, because he's never been that damn eloquent. Hell, on one of their previous anniversaries, they were out at dinner with the family and he was asked by my uncle, "so, man do you still love her?" and he says, "yeah, I keep her around." He said it jokingly, but sweet Jesus he just doesn't really think before he speaks.

What we have is two traits that don't help: 1) My mom gets offended easily because she was raised in a very, very traditional home and was expected to act like a lady. She has a great sense of humor, but the rough parts of her life (and there are many) has toned that down somewhat. 2) My dad doesn't think before he speaks. He's always blurted things out, like calling my mom a "bitch", which he had never done in their 27 (at the time) years together. It absolutely floored her. She didn't even do anything to deserve it, he just called her that name. Personally I don't think any woman can do anything to deserve that name, but I'm a bit of a traditionalist myself.

My mother had a father who was a kind, gentle, compassionate man who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He was a hard working man who believed in God, and that if you really wanted to see heaven, you'd help your neighbor here on earth first, without expecting any reward in return. I look up to that man and miss him terribly, and so does my mom. She lost her mom and dad a few years ago to horrible causes, and it has affected her ever since. She won't see a psychiatrist because of one in particular. When she was in the hospital with the sarcoidosis, a psychiatrist (who only presented himself as a doctor and didn't say doctor of what) told her she had less than 5 years to live from this disease. This was the day after Christmas.

Her neurologist swore up and down the guy was no doctor and had no idea what he was talking about (he was rightfully upset), and the man even returned and apologized to her a couple of weeks later, but the damage was done. That hung over her head for well over 5 years, and now (after 12 years), she has no trust of any psychiatrist or psychologist. She says, "all they like to do is mess with your head".

Dad didn't help either. Back in 1998 while mom had been out of the hospital for about a year and a half and was still trying to recover, (taking 60mg of Prednisone a day and about 12 other medications), Dad started flirting with someone at work. I know about this because I had seen it happen. I don't mean harmless flirting, I mean he started buying her jewelry (toe rings, bracelets, etc). when mom found out (she found his pager with her number on it), He said it was innocent and that he was only being a good friend. Mom told him to break it off. He didn't. I got to meet this woman, and I found out she was a lesbian. Dad insisted she wasn't. I said he was barking up the wrong tree. To this day (he doesn't talk about it) he doesn't think she really was. You see, she told me, but she kept leading my dad on. I don't know if he ever actually did anything, but all I can hope is that he didn't.

I hope this helps fill in some of the holes, and let's you see a little bit into my family life.

J.